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One guy had a white mask over his entire head with big stitches all over it. I asked him if he was hot in there and he nodded. I said, "With all these doctors here, couldn't you just get some real stitches for the party?" I was surprised that the entire time I was at the party he never took it off.

I saw a guy in an Indian costume, and I thought he looked as if he should be in the Village People. I think that band has ruined many a Halloween costume. You can't be a police officer, construction worker, Indian, or sailor without people wondering where the rest of the band is.

There was a woman in a cat costume who looked sexy shaking her tail around. Another lady looked classy in a Victorian outfit.

I saw one guy wearing a baseball uniform. I saw the word "Sox" on the uniform, so I said, "I bet you wouldn't be wearing that outfit if the Red Sox hadn't won the World Series." He replied, "Yes, I would be. It's not a Red Sox uniform. It's the White Sox." D'oh!

There was a pirate and I asked where her eye patch was. She pulled it down from her head and said, "I walked into a wall earlier, so I took it off." I couldn't figure that out. Ray Charles never walked into walls. And this gal still had one good eye.

I talked to an interesting guy named Francisco Ramos. He is bilingual, which he said helps in the ER if he needs to translate things. He mentioned that 50 percent of the patients don't speak English, which surprised me.

He was telling me a story about his family not talking to him because he hangs around with a lot of white people and because of the profession he chose. I felt bad for him.

One gorgeous gal was the Queen of the Damned. Someone asked, "What happened to your teeth?" She replied, "I can't drink with them in" and held up her hand to show she was holding them. I thought of my late grandmother.

I saw one couple putting Capri Sun into their drinks. They said the drinks were too strong. Probably a good idea. After I had two cups of Dragon's Blood, I wondered about my blood and what alcohol level I'd have driving to my next party. I was getting buzzed. The two Ballistic Missiles probably didn't help things.

As I finished the last of my drink, still amazed by the smoke coming from the liquid in my glass, one gal said, "I was at a Halloween party in Nebraska. My costume that night was a punk rocker. I was drinking Everclear, and they lit the top of it on fire. When I was drinking it, I burned off my eyebrows and eyelashes." I guess dry ice is safer than fire.

I ate a few Rice Krispies treats and headed out. I asked a guy in an overcoat and a skull T-shirt who he was. He said, "I'm the Punisher." The woman with him said, "See. I told you nobody would know what that costume was."

The second party I went to was back in my neck of the woods in Mira Mesa. Chas and Mary Kloman, the couple who threw this party, were also involved in the Monster Manor haunted house in the Mira Mesa Mall.

They told me they throw a Halloween party every other year. This had to be the best-decorated house I'll ever see for a party. Their driveway is about 300 feet long. There was a fog machine and a graveyard built into the front lawn. The driveway had chairs, and a mock funeral was set up, including casket and corpse.

When I looked at the upstairs window, I saw a bride, her head spinning around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. In the back yard, the window had a neon sign that said "Bates Motel" with a silhouette of a man with a knife.

The bathroom downstairs had a severed head attached to the lights. But what was scarier was the gong they had outside the door. Just as I was getting my pants unbuckled, somebody decided to hit it. I almost didn't make it into the toilet!

The upstairs bathroom looked like a crime scene. It had a body in the bathtub with blood splattered on all the walls and a knife sticking out of the chest.

The rest of the house was equally well-decorated. A giant spider web, skulls, and candles everywhere. And even the table with all the food had some creepy things. A brain made out of a Jell-O mold. Other edible body parts. Chips, dip, cheese, and crackers had fake cockroaches near them.

I asked them how long it took to decorate. Chas said, "It takes us two months to get everything set up. We do a few hours each day."

The back yard was the best. The gazebo had an electric chair that he built himself. A skeleton stood behind it, waiting to strap the headgear on. A strobe light would periodically go off, which gave the illusion of electrocution.

The back yard overlooked a canyon with lots of trees. The hosts had utilized them as well. Some had bodies hanging from nooses. One tree had a witch with her broom crashed into it. A sign below said "Don't drink and fly." It was funny and a good reminder that I probably shouldn't drink at this party. I was still buzzed from the first one.

One guy was dressed like a woman. Everyone kept grabbing his chest. I said, "Why is it, when you are dressed like that, people think it gives them permission to just grab you? It's like people touching pregnant women's stomachs. I bet they hate that. How many times has someone grabbed you tonight?" He laughed and said, "A lot." His friend replied, "Oh, come on, he loves it. And this isn't the first time he's dressed up as a woman."

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