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Bourne tells me that the California fashion is to be a blonde. “With most of my clients, I’m either highlighting them or making their hair lighter in some way. But I don’t think that men are more attracted to blondes. I think people have gotten sick of seeing blondes. I think men like someone a little more natural looking. Some women might feel that darker hair makes them look older or more wrinkled, but that’s not true unless you put the wrong color on them. The wrong color can change your skin tone. It’s just like wearing clothing. We can change our hair color nowadays just as easily as we change our wardrobes. But you have to put the right hair tone on the right skin tone.”

That’s what I always say! (Sort of.) What I do say is I think the whole package has got to match. But I also go one step further…I think we should all remain just as nature intended us. Nature doesn’t generally wrap unmatched packages.

So what about the people whom nature intended as brunettes? What about those “opposite-blondes”? What about Brunetteness?

There are no books about brunettes, few pedigrees, zero myths, not a single famous actress who draws special attention for her darker locks, no websites, no magazines, no organizations dedicated to the darker side of the hair. Poor, poor brunettes. (And they receive only a couple of little paragraphs in this article as well…)

And redheads?

But back to blondes! Blondes have all the pedigrees and stars and websites. In fact, they’ve always been kind of famous, right down through the ages.

In Roman times, women used to dye their hair blonde with quicklime, wood ash, and old wine. Supposedly they did this because they were jealous of the fair-haired German women brought back as captives by their husbands.

In September 1875, in Springfield, Illinois, the “Blondes” and “Brunettes” played their first match. Newspapers heralded the event as the “first game of baseball ever played in public for gate money between feminine ball-tossers.”

Once there was Marilyn Monroe, Mae West, and Grace Kelly, and now we have Britney Spears, Sharon Stone, and Pamela Anderson.

Many of the most famous fairy tales center on a blonde character. Goldilocks, Rapunzel, Cinderella.

In such a climate, it’s not difficult to understand how little blonde girls can grow into their roles. They’re supposed to exhibit these traits that are associated with them.

A silly story often circulates that intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Brown and red are coppery colors, so this is supposed to explain why blondes are dumb. Apparently, there is no scientific basis to this story whatsoever.

Among the fallacies and fables related to Blondeness, there are, of course, a few solid facts: (1) Blond beards grow faster than darker beards. (2) In Finland in 1998, a group of blondes became so fed up and disillusioned with the treatment of blondes that they formed the International Blondes Association. At their first meeting, Pamela Anderson Lee was the keynote speaker. (3) Many people believe all Swedish women are blonde, that Sweden is populated by blonde bombshells more than any other country. However, true blondes make up only approximately 50 percent of Sweden’s 9 million people. (4) Mummified blondes 4000 years old were discovered in China’s northwestern province of Xinjiang. (5) A blonde head of hair has usually many more strands than red- or dark-haired heads. (6) Artists frequently portrayed their subjects as blonde, even when history belied the point. The artist Tiepolo, for example, depicted Cleopatra with strawberry blonde curls. (7) The most popular doll in the history of the world, Barbie, is a blonde. (8) Supermarket shoppers prefer blondes as cashiers. A UK-based Somerfield Shoppers Survey stated that blondes appeared much calmer and busier than their darker-haired coworkers.

Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love and fertility, set the blonde standard. Eve covered herself with her golden locks in paradise. Queen Elizabeth I ruled with it. Many early-19th-century women achieved Blondeness by applying saffron, white wine, olive oil, hay seeds, ivy bark, soap flakes, ammonia, pigeon dung, or horse urine. Later, in the late 1800s, ding! Hydrogen peroxide! And nowadays, there are more effective, more natural, and much gentler herbal rinses that are used to achieve the elusive state of total Blondeness.

But all those half-breed wannabes will never be able to match the natural blonde for her irreplaceable overtones and connotations, for her “highlights.”

The natural blonde thinks that a quarterback is a refund; she puts lipstick on her forehead when she wants to make up her mind; and she tells me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk.” The natural blonde takes a ruler to bed to see how long she sleeps. If she spoke her mind, the natural blonde would be speechless. And when she heard that 90 percent of all crimes happened around the home, the natural blonde picked up and moved.

The thing about blonde jokes is, they’re funny. They just are. Whether there’s a grain of truth to them or not. Blondes often make good fodder for humor.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

She Was So Blonde That She…(1) Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. (2) Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope. (3) Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter. (4) Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said 2 to 4 years. (5) Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. (6) Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on the phone. (7) Thought the capital of California was C.

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