I have ants in my pants. Real ants. Really.

It's about the ants, Matt:

They're everywhere inside my house. Looking for water, I hear. I understood when they hung out in the kitchen. I bought one of those ultrasonic pest repellers and that seemed to do the trick. But now the ants are in my bedroom, and nothing will convince them to leave. Not Raid, not ultrasonic scary ant songs, nothing. They really like my bed, my laundry, and (gross) my undies. I'm a live-and-let-live kinda girl, up to a point, and I'm approaching that point. How do I get rid of them, and why, for godsake, do they like my undies so much?

-- Panty Protector, the net

Ewwww, Panty. We handled your email with rubber gloves and tongs. Well, actually, you're not alone. Protein is one of the things ants scavenge for. Skin flakes, dead bugs, stuff like that. Dirt and oil of whatever impolite kind and moisture in your laundry bag are fair game. They might have preferred the sweet or starchy stuff in the kitchen, but now they've established a new food source. Grandma Alice sez boric acid around the baseboards should do the trick. Or find the crack in the wall where the ants come in and plug it. That at least will slow them down and force them to regroup. Ants store protein for the winter; when the cold weather comes they'll leave you alone.