Why isn't your column titled "Go Ask Alice?"

Dear Matthew Alice:

Why isn't your column titled "Go Ask Alice"? You've never been ten feet tall?

-- Chuck W, Oceanside

If you pile the elves on top of each other, they'd be about five feet tall. At Alice's Restaurant, they had to sit on phone books. We thought about going for the youth vote and calling it "Go Ax Alice," but then we figured somebody might take us literally.