Goofy is definitely a dog

Mr. M. Alice: What kind of animal is Goofy? My ex-girlfriend (this dispute isn’t the whole reason for our breakup, but a good part of it) maintains that he is a dog, but “Tut-tut,” I say, “why then does he have a pet dog [Pluto]? And why does his girlfriend [the bovine beauty] sport an udder?” Bottom line, says I: Goofy is a cow. I’ve since heard several other people proclaim their support for this preposterous K-9 theory, even when faced with the evidence. I need the undeniable backup of a Straight from the Hip answer to triumph over intellectual ineptitude. — John,@gcwf.com

Another infernal Disney question... You’ve done this just to get my increasingly aggravated goat, right, John? (No, Goofy’s not a goat. No, I don’t own a goat, but if I did, you’d definitely get it.) Disney. The anti-Matt. A threat to all that’s good: truth, beauty, cheap entertainment. A pox, chicken or otherwise, on the whole devious, bloated juggernaut. As we saw recently, it’s easier to get Disney to part with $90 million than the truth. (Remember, that 90 mil was originally in our pockets until Walt conned it out of us.) But anyway, once more I presented myself, humble supplicant, at the feet of a Disney Answer Princess with what seemed a modest question — benign, even adorable. Right up Walt’s freshly scrubbed, electric-lighted, high-priced alley.

Well, hell. Nothing. We get nothing — “Goofy’s just Goofy.” Huh? He’s not a dog? “Well, some people think he’s a dog. Disney once drew a character called Dippy Dawg. But now he’s just Goofy.” Is there a chance he’s a cow? “I haven’t heard that one before.” So how’s he listed in the personnel files? “I beg your pardon?” His HMO — large-animal vets or just standard domestic house pet doctors? “Goofy’s just a popular Disney character, and people can call him whatever they like.” Goofy’s getting on in years. Does he have a golden parachute in his contract too? The only satisfaction I get in this whole exchange is the vague whiff of irritation that creeps into the voice of the Disneyette.

So, John, here’s the truth. First, if this Goofy situation is typical of your daily life, no wonder your girlfriend split. Second, Pluto is Mickey’s dog, not Goofy’s. Third, Goofy is a dog. He always was a dog. He always will be a dog. He’s a 65-year-old dog whose girlfriend is a cow. Interspecies dating is apparently more acceptable in Disneyville than growing a moustache. Worse yet, Goofy has a teenage son, Max, a fact revealed in the 1995 kid vid A Goofy Movie. So much for family values. Six decades ago, Goofy’s name was Dippy Dawg. Then Dippy the Goof. Then Goofy, as the Disneyette said. But try as they will, they can’t sugarcoat it. He’s still a dog. A dog who has hands and wears pants and shoes and a tie.