End-of-year quiz: clove cigarettes and cancer, vegetarian vampire

’Tis the night before Christmas, and the elves are all hung by the chimney with care. Otherwise, they eat the tinsel. But at least they were easy to shop for—two dozen CDs, Hanson: The Early Years. I think they got me the bootleg director’s cut of Home Alone 3. Anyway, speaking of Yuletide customs, I’ve got to help Ma Alice pry open the pig’s mouth so she can jam in the apple. So until dinner’s ready, you all go into the front room and take our sporadically traditional year-end quiz to see if you’ve been paying attention. Hope you wore the shirt with the crib notes on the sleeve.

When Martin from La Jolla asked about his favorite clove cigarettes, we learned the biggest health risk is:

a. Cancer from nicotine

b. Emphysema from dove oils

c. Nosebleed from the reeking stench

d. Bites from swarming insects

e. Bruises from revolted bystanders

The Great Boston Molasses Flood of 1919 killed 21 people. We told Tim (on the Net) it was caused by a huge...: ''

a. Vat explosion c. Hurricane

b. Labor dispute d. Food fight

The molasses covered several city blocks, three feet deep. They cleaned it up with...:

a. Seawater c. Paper towels

b. Mr. Clean d. 750,000 waffles

If Andy (on the Net) finds a skull buried in his back yard, legally he can...:

a. Leave it there; consider it a lawn ornament , b. Paint it silver, use it as a hood ornament

c. Add a bulb; use it as a night light

d. Call the cops; hire Johnnie Cochran

Fun in Hollywood: All the following statements are true. Which is most likely to make you shake your head, slap your forehead with your palm, and never spend another dime at a movie theater?

a. Unless they heed our continual warnings, the Hollywood Walk of Fame will soon have two identical stars for actors named Harrison Ford.

b. You have to lie to 20th Century Fox to trick them into revealing that they throw away useless copies of old films.

c. Goofy is a dog; but you can pursue, corner, and threaten a Disney Answer Princess, and she still won’t admit it publicly.

“Is the lemon slice in my drink soaking up all the rum?” “I’ve been amusing my friends by singing ‘Jimmy crack com and I don’t care.’ What’s that mean?” And, “Is there a corporate conspiracy keeping me from owning my own freeze-dryer?” These questions could only have come from:

a. Michael Jackson c. Shemp

b. Burl Ives d. Pacific Beach

Cocker spaniel is to upas as beer-drinker is to:

a. Zima c. Cue balls

b. Bullfrogs d. Urinal ice

In California, dissing Rosie O’Donnell is:

a. Unimaginable b. A felony .

We told Teeseebee to stop kissing her cat because

a. Fleas can carry a rare, fatal virus

b. Tuna breath... Ugh!

c. Cats are fickle; she’ll just get her heart broken

Essay time: Net-surfing for answers to a question from Abduque (the Net), we found an interview with a vegetarian vampire. Discuss the practical and philosophical implications of this belief system.