Chelsea's boyfriends don’t roar up to the White House and lean on the horn

Dear Matt: While my husband and I were watching the Democratic convention, I commented on how Chelsea Clinton had blossomed. I began wondering whether or not she's allowed to date. My husband says absolutely not. I think she might be able to date if she’s escorted by the CIA. What's the verdict? I’m dying to know the answer. — Sabrina Jaramillo, Clairemont

This is a subject on which the Alice clan has some firsthand experience. Before that unfortunate felony conviction, Ma Alice was up to her snoot in social connections. As a result, we once had a jolly outing at a private beach with First Toddlerette Caroline Kennedy and assorted aunties/nannies/hangers-on. Lurking at the edge of the crowd, sweating like pigs and dumping sand out of their wingtips, were two guys wearing suits and guns — Caroline’s personal Secret Service agents. They accompanied her everywhere while her father was in office and for some time afterward. All presidential kids get their own security entourage, and Chelsea’s no exception.

Our First Petunia turned 16 in February. She’s a high school senior (skipped third grade), and she has dated from time to time, including her junior prom and an evening at the D.C. satellite of Planet Hollywood. Her boyfriends don’t roar up to the White House and lean on the horn till Chelsea bounds down the steps. And knowing you’re being watched by a guy with a gun probably limits the make-out potential, though Chelsea might take a tip from Gerald Ford’s daughter. She eventually married her Secret Service shadow.