Pancho Villa’s head, toenail biters, Al Capone's anatomy, marijuana balloons, best roach killer

Here we are again, kiddies. You’ve screwed away another 12 months making lists of things that never got done, watching twisted talk shows, and reading “Straight from the Hip” hoping Rikki Lake and I can improve your sorry life. Well, next to Rikki’s guests, I suppose, anybody’s life looks good. And I do try to invigorate our community’s collective cerebrum. So here’s a little quiz on the topics we covered in ’94. See how much smarter you are now than you were in ’93?

1. What popular TV series ran an episode featuring Sterculius, the Roman god of excrement?

(a) Beavis and Butt-head (c) Matlock: The Lost Episodes

(b) Regis and Kathi Lee (d) Masterpiece Theater

1. From the Body Parts File:

A. Pancho Villa’s head was stolen from his grave in 1926. According to popular rumors, it is now: in a jar of formaldehyde in France, in a fraternity house at Yale, or...

(a) for sale in a smart boutique in the Zona Rio.

(b) reattached to the body of Newt Gingrich.

(c) in a small crystal box in Michael Jackson’s bathroom.

B. What part of Al Capone’s anatomy is incorrecdy believed to be on display in the Smithsonian?

(a) His penis

(b) His trigger finger .

(c) A large mole in the shape of Elliot Ness’s cat

1. The Math Question: One out of four adults bites his/her fingernails. Among fingernail biters, one out of three also bites his/her toenails. These toenail biters are:

(a) Extremely nervous.

(b) Unusually limber. ;

(c) Currently employed by Michael Huffington, going door-to-door in California asking people if they voted illegally and what they think this world is coming to when $29 million isn’t enough to buy a U.S. Senate seat.

1. In ’94 Ma Alice got stuck in the cellar. To help her lose enough weight to get back through the door, Matthew and Pa Alice threw down the stairs:

(a) A two-week supply of turnips

(b) A Thighmaster

(c) Richard Simmons

1. The Bar Review:

A. Based on M.A.’s research, you would be breaking no existing laws if you sold balloons full of marijuana smoke. Therefore, you should:

(a) probably ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.

(b) definitely ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.

B. Most San Diego judges never use their gavels like judges on TV. Instead, they use them:

(a) to impress their friends.

(b) to bean unruly defendants.

(c) to make minor structural repairs to the county courthouse.

1. Merv Griffin’s wife gave him the idea for Jeopardy! Who recommended Alex Trebek as its host?

(a) The producer

(b) The network

(c) The Society for the Advancement of Irritating, Smug Fatheads

1. The hottest new roach-killing technology sweeping the nation is:

(a) the house gecko, a small green lizard that hides under your refrigerator and lives on bugs.

(b) Black Flag Rat and Roach Killer, with improved, fast-acting plutonium.

1. M.A. has not answered the question I mailed in a year ago because:

(a) M.A. is a very busy professional who deals fairly with all correspondents but has simply not had time to get to my fascinating inquiry, though I know it will be attended to at M.A.’s earliest convenience.

(b) M.A. makes up all those questions, just as I’ve always suspected.

(c) I’m an idiot; my question was the office joke for weeks.

(d) I forgot to include a $50 bill.

(e) M.A. is an irritating, smug fathead.

1. The Essay Question: Please take a position on the following issue, citing examples from your own life to support your stand. Resolved: Making lists of things that will never get done is a valuable contribution to society, not unlike the Republicans’ “Contract with America.”

Okay, gang, get out those #2 Ticonderogas and go to work. Of course, you’ll stop halfway through to turn on Oprah and never actually finish it, but that’s all right. There’s always ’95. Plenty of time to make those major personal improvements.

Got a question you need answered? Get it straight from the hip. Write to Matthew Alice,

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