When I die, I want to stuff myself

Dear Matthew Alice: We’re writing a paper on the origin of human mortuary practices, and we were wondering if there are laws that govern what you can do with your body after you've become metabolically challenged. For instance, can you have your body stuffed and mounted, like a game animal? We just want to know our options. — Kim and Kris, UCSD

It might be enticing, that plan to have Uncle Ed crammed full of excelsior and mounted, to remember him “as he was,” propped in his Barcalounger in front of the TV. Or a bust of Aunt Lil, like a moose head over the mantlepiece. Not in the cards. I’m afraid. You can burn ’em or bury ’em, perhaps freeze ’em for later resuscitation — though neither the public health and safety codes nor the fish and game codes specifically prohibit taxidermy as an option. The law says the deceased must be interred, defining interment as cremation or burial. Except in cases where a person has died under unknown or criminal circumstances, the law gives responsibility for the body (and legal responsibility for arranging interment) to the surviving spouse or a list of other relatives in descending order of priority. The responsible party, I suppose, could have a death mask or plaster body cast made of the late loved one, then convert it into a lifelike statue, just as most mounted game fish are just cleverly airbrushed plaster molds because fish skin is difficult to handle. Without going into indelicate detail, stuffing and mounting a realistic looking human * being would be extremely difficult, too, and the results most unsatisfactory — unless your Aunt Lil is very, very furry.