I know many people, men and women alike, love the fake ta tas. They are as reliable as Starbucks. They have that same familiar shape, feeling and symmetry that give Americans comfort in a neurosis driven society. They may have the occasional wavy stretched skin, or internal rupture, but mostly they have made fantasy a reality. These boobs defy gravity and always provide the perfect cleavage on which to rest a weary head or a sweaty beer depending on your preference.

Real boobs, on the other hand, are amorphous, unpredictable, spontaneous and free-spirited. They can take any shape one might desire. You can achieve the bounding cleavage with the quick purchase of a slightly ill-fitting, but mesmerizing miracle bra. If you want to look classy and turn down the sex-kitten, you can wear a full cup, minimizing bra, letting them fall into a more natural habitat.

When it is time for a mammogram, they can be flattened like uncomfortably soft, revealing plates and then bound back to their former shape. Doctors can poke and prod and check for more lumpiness than is usual with ease as the fat and skin provide little resistance for this medical fondling.

Real boobs are as beautifully asymmetrical as any organic sculpture. It may be slight or glaring. The right may hang left while the left remains in place. A video entitled “Breasts” featured a lefty that was long and straight while the other was short and round, a backward ten. For most of us the difference is imperceptible and at times convenient. A comedian noted that as a right-handed man, he was happy to note that his girlfriend’s left breast was just a hair more than a handful, while the other was a full hand.

Each pair is unique in size and shape. From childhood to womanhood to motherhood to death, they tell the story of life and age and change. These supple ever-changing masses of fat belie our matriarchal histories. They hint at the shapes of our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers and sisters. They also resemble a cultural history. Different women, from different countries have different circumferences and colors common to their soil.

I love that as I move in activities, they move. I must wear a sports bra to pin them as flat as I can when I run, but I can spill them into a lacy holster when the job is done. They easily go from day to night. I can morph my breasts to fit various outfits. In pajamas, I laugh as they disappear and spread out imitating the same form as my sleeping body. As I wake up, I awe as they have bigger days and smaller. I enjoy meeting these creatures anew in their various daily manifestations. What will they be today? Perky, hidden, small, cold, relaxed, swollen, heaving, sexy?

As I get older, I shed a slight tear when I reminisce about my breasts at 16 and then at 20. I get lost in the memory of their heyday when a bra was unnecessary and they most closely resembled the fantasy breast of the plastic modern age. But generally, I feel joy and curiosity as they evolve.

Please don’t consider this ode an indictment or a judgment of the fake. I have real ones, so of course my affection lies on their side. Perhaps, however, as the years pass and my life changes and my titties sag, I will dive into the plastic surgeons office, bare it all and bid farewell to my 100% real, fantastic, beautiful breasts.

Comments

Russ Lewis Aug. 7, 2009 @ 5:48 a.m.

Damn, Tiki. You are one smooth operator.

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Duhbya Aug. 7, 2009 @ 7:53 a.m.

In addition to their ostentatiousness, bolt-ons are downright dangerous!

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David Dodd Aug. 7, 2009 @ 1:06 a.m.

Okay, I'm totally down with this but wow are strippers going to hate on you...

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RRwriter Aug. 7, 2009 @ 9:35 a.m.

Hey refried, I'm not hating. Let strippers have their fake ones. There is room for all of us : )

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kriste Aug. 7, 2009 @ 10:58 a.m.

can't blame women for wanting bigger ones. after all, mine work as a neat little shelf and have added bonus of keeping napkin in my lap spotless!

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 8, 2009 @ 12:04 a.m.

Bolt ons are very dangerous-for all parties.

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SDaniels Aug. 6, 2009 @ 3:07 p.m.

Single, you rock! Keep the blogs coming :)

"Doctors can poke and prod and check for more lumpiness than is usual with ease as the fat and skin provide little resistance for this medical fondling."

Interesting fact, and good to know. When the 'time' comes, you know you can always consider a slight reduction or lift, in lieu of implants.

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Joe Poutous Aug. 7, 2009 @ 5:14 a.m.

I was in a bar a while ago, standing with a group of girls while they talked about all wanting boob jobs. They kept going on about size and cost...

After a while I reached over, took the right breast of the nearest in my hand, looked her in the eyes and said "There is something about THIS". I gave her a little squeeze and let go.

The conversation ended, I went to the bar got another Jack on the rocks.

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antigeekess Aug. 7, 2009 @ 11:38 p.m.

Uh, Tiki, it's a good thing that mammary you provoked wasn't one of mine. The rocks you'd have been washing down with that Jack would have been your own teeth.

Single, you may not be so enamoured of your realies in another 10 or 15. Singleandawesome, perhaps. Double and awesome, not for long.

People sometimes insinuate that mine are fake. I have to laugh -- if they only knew. These 2 girls resemble a couple of comfortable, flabby old lesbian snowbirds from Minnesota, heading south for the winter sans RV as soon as the sport bra comes off. My nipples appear to be trying to get into some kind of weird 3-way with my navel.

Someday really soon, they just might make it.

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RRwriter Aug. 8, 2009 @ 9:11 a.m.

Antigeekness, I'm sure I won't be so enamoured with them in the future, but in a day and age where so much visual celbration goes to fake ones, I wanted to honor the women who still have the real ones. Also, even if I don't like things about my body, I try not to hate it, I try to embrace it. I also know my feelings will change. I look great now, but what will I feel when I begin to age? Truth be told, ever since I read A Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)in high school I have been a little afraid of the fake replacing the real as we more and more define beauty and people by capitalism (i.e., poeple are beautiful if they have this thing they purchased or paid for this service). But hey, like I said, when my tits start to sag, maybe I'll get a pair.

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Josh Board Aug. 10, 2009 @ 2:54 p.m.

Great read.

I always think...before a woman pays to have a boob job, she should think about spending a little money on a shrink first. I know that sounds horrible, but unless you lost a one of them to cancer and want a replacement, men really don't mind if you're an A or B cup. What we like most, are attractive faces on thin bodies. If a thin body has big boobs, nice. But we realize this is extremely rare.

Here's a boob joke. And it's nice and clean (although it doesn't really work in the written form, you need to tell it).

Why do mermaids wear seashells over their breasts?

Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big.

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SDaniels Aug. 10, 2009 @ 3:37 p.m.

  1. Single, I am glad your fan club found you, and I got to be first!

  2. Am I naive, people? What exactly is a bolt-on?

3."Double and awesome, not for long." --And for too 'long.' That's why I did the reduction and lift; they are restored to natural splendor by the best insurance-covered operation I ever got :)

  1. Another total zinger from AG! If we ever roast you dear, you've beat us to all the best material!

  2. And I might not have minded Tiki's move, which is not about copping a feel. There is something curiously, morally 'right' about such a gesture, as an affirmation of natural womanhood. Plus, he's a cutie.

"What we like most, are attractive faces on thin bodies." Attractive faces, clinically proven. But the zoftig woman, of abundant curves, gets more attention overall. I know, as I've been multiple sizes.

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antigeekess Aug. 10, 2009 @ 8:21 p.m.

"Count your blessings...both of them."

Mindy, that was freakin' funny.

"--And for too 'long.' That's why I did the reduction and lift; they are restored to natural splendor by the best insurance-covered operation I ever got :)"

Yeah, "long" is not really the adjective men use when describing the ideal set now, is it? More importantly, how the H-E double hockeysticks did you get insurance to pay for that, Daniels?

As for Tiki -- Well, your comment reminds me of an old SNL sketch. Office environment. Homely guy vs. Handsome guy. Homely guy is the most well-mannered, gentlemanly dude you've ever seen outside of the 1800s. The women in the office are all APPALLED that he dares to speak to them, and he undergoes much abuse. Like,

Homely guy: "How are you today? I'm on my way to the cooler, do you need any water?"

Office female: "RAAAAAAAAAAPE!!!!!!"

Attractive guy: "Hey b*tch, how bout we get in dat closet over dere and..." (You can fill in the blank with what you think Attractive guy would like.)

Office female: Oooooooohhhh!!!

(Cut to polite Homely guy with shocked look of utter disbelief.)

:/

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RRwriter Aug. 11, 2009 @ 12:42 p.m.

Ha, ha, joshb. The joke totally translated into print. I rolled my eyes and smiled the same way I would have if you told that joke in person. I'm glad you enjoyed reading.

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SDaniels Aug. 25, 2009 @ 12:26 a.m.

Oops. Missed these posts. How you get insurance to pay: Tell your primary care doc (truthfully, in my case) that you have back and neck pain and trouble running. S/he will refer you to a cosmetic surgeon. It's a very common procedure, and almost always covered, if you have decent insurance.

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