Not only did I catch my significant other with a Match.com account, he used MY computer (the one I bought with earnings from writing Stringer Stories) to look up nudie photos of young women about my daughter's age. You know what they say about stepfathers--it all seems to be true. If I'd ever caught him touching my baby inappropriately, I would have made "Scarface" look like a fairy tale! But she insists that all those years he offered to drive her to school were completely innocent. Good thing for him!

The first time I filed for divorce, the economy crashed. Experts were predicting bread lines and other conditions reminiscent of the Great Depression. I dismissed the filing thinking I might need him for something down the line, like stealing food so that I could eat. He didn't care one way or another. Maybe he already had someone lined up to provide for him on Match.com. In that case, watch out ladies, he's a live one!

Last year, I decided to file again. After typing up all of the paperwork, I drove to Vista to find that the courthouse was closed. I couldn't figure out why it would be closed on a weekday until a DJ on the radio announced that it was none other than Cesar Chavez Day. I thought Chavez was all about peace, but he didn't give me any that day.

Being the calm, submissive soul that I am, I've made Mr. Mindy's life a living hell ever since I discovered his secrets. And you know what? He seems to love it. I truly hope he leaves his brain to science so that someone can figure him out.