Susan Luzzaro 5:30 p.m., Dec. 7
It has come to my attn.that everyone has their head up their arse. This is what I think as I sit outside Starbucks reading the Reader. They pontificate, fornicate, try to communicate:but "SOMETHING" 's missing:where is the direction in our Life? We all just have a hole where our soul should be.
I started Bing hated in da Womb. Wrong sex. There were 3 boys/3 girls. "I" broke the tie. How dare I?
How dare I presume to bring another female into this almost-male-dominated family? I was gonna have 2 pay. We ordered a boy, & we got a girl so we're just going 2 have 2 make her into a boy. That ol' Thayer creativeness. You see, my gr. grandfather is a famous artist who discovered camouflage. There's a lot of chauvinism in our family. I mean, Abbott Thayer was a great man, but it was a strange paradigm:on the 1 hand, he worshipped women:has a painting of a woman;says if U study it, meditate on it:you will find Truth. But on the other hand, my bro. used 2 say Thayers put women on pedestals but if they ever fell off, they were in trouble.
I used to worry about that as a kid. I mean, after all, I "was" a female. I knew I had a vagina. That was about the only difference I could see btw. myself/my bros. I was a pretty precocious kid. I knew the human anatomy real well. You see, my gr. "gr." grandfather was a surgeon in the Civil War. Abbott's father. Actually, he wanted 2 be an artist but having been adopted he opted 2 B a dr. cuz that's what his adoptive parents wanted him 2 B. William Henry Thayer. So maybe that's where the medical influence came from. I just remember having a firm grasp of anatomy @ a very young age.
But I used to worry: what's gonna happen if i fall off the Pedestal? Is it because I have a vagina? Why do only girls fall? Is it because if boys fell, they would hurt their penis? Is it going to hurt my vagina?
How would I fall? What would happen 2 make me fall? What if I've already fallen? And don't know it? This pedestal I pictured it white in my mind, about 4' tall. But it seemed far away 2 me, because even 'though I was a female, I'd always been treated like a boy. Because my bros. vowed 2 "make me into a boy". What were they going 2 do? Stretch my vagina into a penis? How was this going 2 happen? I was confused, because on the one hand, I was being treated like a boy(they wished I was a boy) but on the other hand, there was this pedestal that I could climb onto ifI was a girl. What was it like on this pedestal? i didn't think I wanted 2 climb on, if I was just going to FALL OFF!!! That sounded like a drag.
Kinda like when my big bros. piled the folding chairs on the bed when I was 2, put me on top/& then knocked them down. This was supposed 2 "make me into a boy". But it still didn't give me a penis. I could still climb up on the pedestal. Maybe that's why they hated me. I could do all the things a boy could do, but I could still climb up on the pedestal.
Maybe that's why they thought it was so funny 2 shove me out on a raft into the middle of Dublin Lake in N.H....big lake...& say,"Bye-bye". I was two. I was terrified...it looked like the Lake fell off the End of the World...slowly rolling off...And here I came. I can still remember it. The sky was dark, covered by one big cloud, hanging down its tentracles like a tattered Army blanket. I could see corrugated rivulets of water rolling off into the End of the World...it was getting dark...where would I be? When the night fell?
And then All of a Sudden my bros. rescued me. Wasn't that funny? They thawt it was hilarious. i think this is the treatment I needed after my mom's sister had just hung herself(that's what we were doing in N.H.) I had just flown from Hou. w/my sis/bro. SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER the whole way IN SPITE OF MY BRAND-NEW DRESS. "What was the matter w/her? Not 2 mention that my mother had just lost a baby AND her uterus(unbeknownst 2 her at first: w/out her perMISSION) Robert, he was 2 be my new baby bro.,:he would've evened up the score. It was bad enuf she lost a baby, but then they had to go/take out ALL of her female parts w/OUT her permission because, in Texas then, a husband "owned" his wife like a piece of cattle. There were some real doozy Texas laws on the books. Back then. My father SIGNED for her to have a hysterectomy. HE signed for HER body. She was from Greenwich Village.Very educated. Very intelligent. Very cultured. Unlike the Country Doctor who decided that since the baby had been born dead or died shortly after birth(we never knew because they REFUSED 2 talk about it), her uterus was all worn out...so let's just take it out...& not bother to give her hormones because we don't know know "back then" that a woman needs hormones if a hysterectomy is performed on her. He meant well, I'm sure: I don't fault the Dr. I fault my father. Back then they didn't use birth control. If there was any fear of my mother,Janny,getting pregnant again,, my father, Bern, probably wanted 2 eliminate it in order 2 have sex. He was very over-sexed, acc'ding 2 my Mother.
Now here comes the funny part. At least I find it amusing. My mother had a sense of humor, Bless Her Heart; although it was poorly appreciated, as was she in my chauvinistic Family. She spent two years on the phone,relentlessly, I remember, every morning, calling a Dr. BEGGING him 2 lobotomize my Dad. Just a little snip. She finally gave up, she'd already been lost in a bottle, anyway, for 2 yrs. When I was 2, when all this happened, she started drinking. And she never stopped. The Irish took over. Alcoholism ran in her family. She took refuge in a bottle of wine...which led 2 other things...bourbon,gin,vodka...anything she could get her hands on. She bloated up to 300 lbs., no hormones, all the sugar in the alcohol just being turned into fat. I saw a picture of her after she'd had me, on a horse:she still looked trim.
But as long as I can remember she was always "fat": 5'2"" & a little Butterball. So fat, in fact, that in later Life my pervert bro. started calling her 'Tater because she was shaped like a potato. She didn't like it, & the psychiatrist(when she almost died/went 2 the hosp.) said we shouldn't call her that.
But that didn't stop my bro. from calling her that anyway. He didn't give a shit. No respect. No respect 4 women. Poor thing.
She'd been cut off from everything she loved. Talk about a culture shock. She had grown up in Maryland, w/horse/governesses. Bern/her had been living in Greenwich Village since the beginning of their marriage, ever since she got pregnant accidentally. She had actually been signed w/Benny Goodman, as a singer. Peggy Lee took her place. She got drunk one night/got pregnant by the wrong guy. She was actually in love w/David, Bern's bro.
So they had been living in Greenwich Village for about 4 yrs., she had another son after the first one, but the daughter-the daughter who came along after the boys-BAM! Bern knew it wasn't his. It was a Bloede, a beautiful branch of the family. Too beautiful 4 him. He knew it was his bro.'s, David, the alcoholic. He was a decorated War Veteran, Purple Heart. But he couldn't keep a job. Ladies man. Bern decided 2 move 2 Texas "to get rich";and 4 obvious reasons:it was way,way far away from David...his wife's lover.
Poor Mama. He moved her 2 Spalding St.: outhouse,I'm not sure if it had running plumbing. He announced that "this next baby" that he had impregnated her w/was "going to be his". And I'll be damned if she didn't come out looking just like him. Skinny, ugly:she almost died of heat rash:Mexana powder saved her. That's when Mama said,"We gotta move."
And so they moved to Ley Road:2 tall pine trees in front of a modest 1 B.R. house on an acre of land. The house looked so small compared to the woods & the huge pine trees out front. There were crazy people living behind us,who thought they owned our land, because @ one time they had. If we went out into the woods, they used 2 shoot @ us. The mom/son used to take turns w/stints in the mental hosp./prison, respectively. So there was always someone @ home. Thank God. My dad refused 2 buy a gun because he didn't believe in them...It was fun living there:one day a bullet just grazed over the top of my bro.'s head. Lucky. One day we found our dog tied up to a tree,splayed out, full of bullet holes. They used 2 shoot our dogs all the time. It was scary. I was scared of the woods. One time I rode my tricycle down the sandy lane that led into the woods...just inside the woods my bro., who'd accompanied me, abandoned me...I jumped off my trike/left it. Ran. Ran so fast. It was almost dark. I told my Mommy what he'd done & she made him go get my trike. It was the one time that I had been protected from "him'. After that, Mom just kept slipping away. Bern had built her an art studio out back/she was always in it.
Then she told Bern that we had 2 move. To a better neighborhood:4 her Trishy. She wanted Trishy 2 be the singer that she hadn't been able 2 be. She used 2 give me voice lessons/she played the piano so nice. So we moved 2 Southside Place:boy was that a breath of fresh air. She did not want me 2 go 2 Smiley. I'm the only one who never had 2 attend Smiley. Smiley School. But I brought the problems w/me: the bro. who molested me, who learned it from the hick across the street. They say abusing is a learned behaviour. He had 2 have learned it from somewhere. I figured he learned it from the hick across the street because I figured out in therapy that he molested me. At about the same time as my sis went under hypnosis/discovered that he had molested her, too. As a matter of fact, when I called her up 2 tell her what I'd discovered in therapy, that's when she told me about herself. Weird. But God-ordained, I guess.
I honestly believe the emotional abuse was the most damaging. That's what I remember. Every day I hear a tape in my head saying, "You're stupid". I know I'm not. I know i'm a genius if girls are allowed to be geniuses, but I keep hearing it. It's INGRAINED into me, just like those in-breds' genes were ingrained into them:the Burdells & the Morells, who used 2 shoot @ us. Cousins marrying cousins Yippee!!!
Lazy. There's another term I hate.. "Him" used 2 call me that because @ the ripe old age of 5, after having just moved 2 a strange neighborhood, I was "late" 2 my swimming class. F him. What the F was it 2 him if I was "late" 2 my swimming class? It was supposed 2 B 4 fun, or @ least I assume so @ the age of FIVE. Isn't childhood supposed 2 B fun? Get up! Get 2 your swim lessons! You're 5 yrs. old!!! Come 2 think of it, who the F was he 2 tell me what 2 do anyway? He was only 3-4 yrs.older than me. I have a theory.
My theory is that when my Mom checked out into a bottle,obviously my siblings didn't like it. They were angry.at her. I look like her. Va-voom! There's the culprit. There's the scape-goat. I think I know now how I would or did fall off the pedestal. I don't think I would actually "FALL" at all: I think I would be pushed...