Don Bauder 4:37 p.m., Dec. 27
- Community Blog
- Normal Heights Through the Blue and White
That Sweet There-After
So, my first impulse had been to exhibit the coolest craigslist post that I could find on the very day it came out, thus staying as immensely fresh and relevant as humanly possible. Of course there was a kink in my plan! A hitch, there from the start, rendering my great dream improbable! Namely, the fact that I work nights and cannot physically be here, browsing the craig, when all the best ads come out in the late afternoon. By one AM, when I get home, I am useless, drained, a mere shadow of my mid-day self, rendered inept by the long hours of the workaday wage slave. Insightful commentary refuses to come, beg as I may, when all the body wishes for is sleep.
A solution (!): I will blog about one cool ad from Normal Heights not necessarily on the day of its public debut. Problem solved.
That said, today's Runner-Up is not in Normal Heights (rule broken, Flagrantly, for the Sake of Art), but I feel obligated to raise awareness of suitable armaments for the (imminent) Zombie Apocalypse. Swords don't run out of ammo, people!
Is it best to have the Runner-Up precede the actual winner for the day? I have no idea, but it seems to make sense. I am always annoyed by Rolling Stone magazine's best of lists because of their tendency to print the #1 band/song/haircut at the beginning of the article. Do we no longer value suspense in the Modern World? Have we Advanced to such a degree? If so, why was I not told?
Anyways, here's today's most amazing post:
This is, perhaps, the most truthful post I have ever before seen on craigslist. These things are absolute death-traps. Anyone who tries to ride them risks, at the very least, losing the vast majority of his or her skin on one or both sides of the body, likely within the first or second run down the mountain, ravine, gulch, ditch, gorge, crevasse, or whatever unspeakably unsafe natural formation down which such a fool would willingly plummet. The Dirt Boards!! are far and away the most dangerous plaything I have ever seen. Much like Downhill Winter Mountainbiking, which was stricken from the X-Games roster after the fatality count grew too enormous, Dirt Boards!! are the kind of thing that someone thought would be a really great idea, yet proved to be a truly epic fail.
I know this, for I once tried to ride one. My brother and I, joined by an equally stupid friend, found out that our local ski mountain had invested in an arsenal of mountain boards which were guaranteed to be the next big thing. They even had three different models, some speedy, others more nimble for the freestyle-minded mountain boarder intent on performing tricks.
List of Tricks that can be Performed on a Dirt Board!!
"The Fall Down and Roll"--in which the rider falls down, and rolls to the bottom of the hill. Extra points for bouncing off of rocks during the descent.
"The Fall Down and Slide"--in which, much like the previous trick, the rider falls. Instead of rolling, however, rider performs a slide, often on the facial area. This Trick limits skin exposure to dirt rash, but maximizes the depth and severity of dirt rash inflicted.
"The Not Fall Down but Stay on the Board, Gather Hideous Momentum, and Run Into Something"--in which the rider, by some stroke of luck, manages to stay upright long enough for the heavy, brake-less Dirt Board!! (well equipped with smooth, well-oiled bearings packed into the over-sized wheels) to gather sufficient velocity that steering becomes impossible. Generally, the ride ends when the rider runs into something usually large and always immobile. However, this can lead to:
Sub Trick "The Bail": Self explanatory. Always painful
Finally, "The Grueling Walk up the Mountain"--in which, humiliated and bruised, the rider must walk up the mountain, gorge, ravine, ditch, crevasse, canyon, &c in order to earn the pleasure of performing one of the other tricks in this list. This trick only counts when the sun is at maximum overhead intensity, which it always is.