Shelli DeRobertis 2 p.m., July 30
- Community Blog
- Normal Heights Through the Blue and White
Guaranteed To Still Be Around In 100 Years
Today's Runner-Up provides heavy doses of unintentional hilarity:
"DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN ONE PILL! I made the mistake of doing this and was WIDE AWAKE for 41 Hours! I woke up at 6am on a Monday, took the pills and did not sleep until around 11pm on Tuesday! This is the honest to God's truth! But I can tell you, during that time, My house was sparkly clean! Like brand new! Everything scrubbed clean and sorted! Cabinets, Drawers, Closet's, Stove, Oven, Fridge Everything! LOL!"
Smokes! How exactly does this differ from tweaking out on crystal meth? Goodness. Does put me in mind of a kitchen I worked at some number of years ago, wherein myself and all the other cooks would wash down Stacker diet pills with Red Bull and work like maniacs until the crash set in. Yay for F.U.N.!
In other news, it is my extreme pleasure to bring you what must surely be among the most unique and interesting items heretofore displayed for your craigslist oggling pleasure:
List of Favorite Things about Post
(in no particular order...)
Use of leg sporting combat boots and cut-off jeans to model ball and chain. Clearly the photographer's leg, as indicated by stomach twisting camera angle. Eerie resemblance to my own leg makes me suspect involvement of evil twin.
Inclusion of "Om" symbol on sidewalk. If legitimately carved into said walkway, "Om" symbol is perhaps the most legible sidewalk graffito ever. If Photoshopped into image...why?
Use of hollow sphere. While ball and chain "keeps your captive from running away," use of a solid steel ball risks causing serious harm. Builder is conscious of this.
"Guaranteed to still be around in 100 years." Difficult bluff to call, considering human life expectancy. Well played.
Builder's personal assurance that any and all instruments of medieval imprisonment and torture can be faithfully and accurately replicated within the confines of personal costuming shop. Raises interest in acquiring quote to construct functional guillotine.
Interesting reference to "present dark ages." Perhaps poster has theories about social inequality brought about by global capitalism and corporate statehood, all of which being facilitated by the information control practiced by said corporate states through restricting media outlets, the information and knowledge "darkness" of our "present dark age?" Or perhaps poster seeks to conflate historicity as means of collapsing temporal thinking (which is more or less outdated post-Einstein) by pointing out that the degree of temporal separation between past and "present dark ages" is a some sort of mathematically relative quality? Alternatively, poster possesses wit.
Request to be paid in cash. Ironic, consider the state of "present dark ages" indicates transactions more likely to be made through peasantly barter or feudal coercion.
Inappropriateness of ball and chain for use by person with cankles.
Absence of misogynistic "wife as ball 'n' chain" joke.
Now, with so much to appreciate about "The Ole' Ball-n-Chain..... - $100 (Normal Hieghts)" (sic), I'm sure there are many notable talking points I have omitted for the sake of brevity. Ending at nine (9), as opposed to the "standard" ten (10) item list, lends a feeling of incompleteness to the List of Favorite Things about Post. This, I assure you, is by design segues nicely into a brief diversion:
I do think that the explicative1 potential of any classified ad is limitless, or damn close to it. I'm well aware that my "readings" of the ads are always going to be somewhat incomplete. This is part and parcel of the joy which is perusing craigslist, reading classified ads, and hoping to learn something about your neighbors by what they have for sale. The most trivial details might reveal whole worlds to the studious observer. In the end, there is something quasi-magical about peering into the abyss of anonymity that is the internet and finding something there that seems to be lying in wait for you; even if it's a wildly phantasmatic fictive non-sequitor, it just feels real and relevant in the way that only pointless things can.
With my first full month of blogging nearly passed, I'd like to take the time to thank everyone for joining me in peeking at the weirdness that is our world. Thank you, peeps, for reading--especially to any lurkers who might be hanging out and diving into the random craigslist adventures alongside me.
1. This word has nothing to do with cursing.
More like this:
- Friends of Eli make broad pitch to change paper owners — May 19, 2016
- Strange bedfellows seek U-T control — March 6, 2015
- The Slightly Hodge-Podge Composition — Nov. 23, 2009
- Fare Thee Well, Sweet October, With Your Pumpkins, Brisk Days, And Costumed Ne'erdowells! — Oct. 31, 2009
- A cause de SDaniels, I have finally Discovered the Object Cause of my Desire...And there It goes again. — Oct. 26, 2009