Today's Runner-Up provides heavy doses of unintentional hilarity:

2 Bottles of Slim Xtreme, By Anabolic Xtreme - $40 (Lemon Grove)

"DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN ONE PILL! I made the mistake of doing this and was WIDE AWAKE for 41 Hours! I woke up at 6am on a Monday, took the pills and did not sleep until around 11pm on Tuesday! This is the honest to God's truth! But I can tell you, during that time, My house was sparkly clean! Like brand new! Everything scrubbed clean and sorted! Cabinets, Drawers, Closet's, Stove, Oven, Fridge Everything! LOL!"

Smokes! How exactly does this differ from tweaking out on crystal meth? Goodness. Does put me in mind of a kitchen I worked at some number of years ago, wherein myself and all the other cooks would wash down Stacker diet pills with Red Bull and work like maniacs until the crash set in. Yay for F.U.N.!

In other news, it is my extreme pleasure to bring you what must surely be among the most unique and interesting items heretofore displayed for your craigslist oggling pleasure:

The Ole' Ball-n-Chain..... - $100 (Normal Hieghts) (sic)

Respect for Social D and Sublime aside, how much cooler of a hobby/job can you get--makin....ball and chains? Balls and chains? Balls and chain? How exactly does one pluralize "ball and chain?"

List of Favorite Things about Post
(in no particular order...)

  1. Use of leg sporting combat boots and cut-off jeans to model ball and chain. Clearly the photographer's leg, as indicated by stomach twisting camera angle. Eerie resemblance to my own leg makes me suspect involvement of evil twin.

  2. Inclusion of "Om" symbol on sidewalk. If legitimately carved into said walkway, "Om" symbol is perhaps the most legible sidewalk graffito ever. If Photoshopped into image...why?

  3. Use of hollow sphere. While ball and chain "keeps your captive from running away," use of a solid steel ball risks causing serious harm. Builder is conscious of this.

  4. "Guaranteed to still be around in 100 years." Difficult bluff to call, considering human life expectancy. Well played.

  5. Builder's personal assurance that any and all instruments of medieval imprisonment and torture can be faithfully and accurately replicated within the confines of personal costuming shop. Raises interest in acquiring quote to construct functional guillotine.

  6. Interesting reference to "present dark ages." Perhaps poster has theories about social inequality brought about by global capitalism and corporate statehood, all of which being facilitated by the information control practiced by said corporate states through restricting media outlets, the information and knowledge "darkness" of our "present dark age?" Or perhaps poster seeks to conflate historicity as means of collapsing temporal thinking (which is more or less outdated post-Einstein) by pointing out that the degree of temporal separation between past and "present dark ages" is a some sort of mathematically relative quality? Alternatively, poster possesses wit.

  7. Request to be paid in cash. Ironic, consider the state of "present dark ages" indicates transactions more likely to be made through peasantly barter or feudal coercion.

  8. Inappropriateness of ball and chain for use by person with cankles.

  9. Absence of misogynistic "wife as ball 'n' chain" joke.

Now, with so much to appreciate about "The Ole' Ball-n-Chain..... - $100 (Normal Hieghts)" (sic), I'm sure there are many notable talking points I have omitted for the sake of brevity. Ending at nine (9), as opposed to the "standard" ten (10) item list, lends a feeling of incompleteness to the List of Favorite Things about Post. This, I assure you, is by design segues nicely into a brief diversion:

I do think that the explicative1 potential of any classified ad is limitless, or damn close to it. I'm well aware that my "readings" of the ads are always going to be somewhat incomplete. This is part and parcel of the joy which is perusing craigslist, reading classified ads, and hoping to learn something about your neighbors by what they have for sale. The most trivial details might reveal whole worlds to the studious observer. In the end, there is something quasi-magical about peering into the abyss of anonymity that is the internet and finding something there that seems to be lying in wait for you; even if it's a wildly phantasmatic fictive non-sequitor, it just feels real and relevant in the way that only pointless things can.

With my first full month of blogging nearly passed, I'd like to take the time to thank everyone for joining me in peeking at the weirdness that is our world. Thank you, peeps, for reading--especially to any lurkers who might be hanging out and diving into the random craigslist adventures alongside me.

1. This word has nothing to do with cursing.

Comments

David Dodd Oct. 29, 2009 @ 3:56 p.m.

Does the Anabolic Xtreme have side effects? Like, the unreasonable use of the exclamation point? Ha!

0

Adam92102 Oct. 29, 2009 @ 6:10 p.m.

Honestly, I have to admit that I thought the guy was selling his wife. I don't consider myself to be a misogynist but, well, nobody expects an actual ball and chain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gldlyTjXk9A

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hambrosia Oct. 29, 2009 @ 6:49 p.m.

Doesn't look like a very heavy cross to bear. He would prolly sell more if he had bigger balls. I'd love to contract for the fabrication of a fully functional iron maiden. Do you think he would be willing to model it and post pix?

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PistolPete Oct. 29, 2009 @ 8:20 p.m.

LMAO@hambrosia! Oh the sex goodies he could create.....

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antigeekess Oct. 29, 2009 @ 11:14 p.m.

"He would prolly sell more if he had bigger balls."

Prerequisite for salesmen in general.

:)

As to the Om in the sidewalk, maybe the ole B&C is really for the antsy meditator with ADD.

"Can't sit still? Does your concentration always seem to lapse, juuust before you reach enlightenment?"

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 30, 2009 @ 12:31 a.m.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!


"I'd love to contract for the fabrication of a fully functional iron maiden"

Do I sense an epic prank in the works??

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SDaniels Oct. 30, 2009 @ 4:25 a.m.

"It seems almost unfair to put so many big things into one little pill."

Worlds!

You could have stayed on the Ohm a while yet, even. Especially with the angle of that foot in its direction :)

PS: For that footnote, you're gonna write a five-paragraph explication de texte, Mister Smartypants!

But first, let's have a little pillsy willsy.

OH! Forgot: We have Anna Nicole Smith pills (TrimSpa, BABY!) My cousin was just going to keep them in their little box set from Costco, but like bad mice we ate through the cardboard and opened them.

Took two. Felt...slightly ill?

Certainly not up for an explication--maybe for some Twix and a Love American Style rerun, a la Anna Nicole?

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FullFlavorPike Oct. 30, 2009 @ 11:24 a.m.

Daniels! So good to see your words. Stick around, chant "om" until the difference between "explicative" and "expletive" dissolves in your mind and you become one with the thread. Cities, worlds, eternity will be revealed!

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