Ian Pike noon, Dec. 8
First off, a few unorthodox props to this guy for putting "hip, happening, cool, PBR, boobs" in his irritating little keyword section. Seriously, dude. C'mon now... Puts me in mind of this dude from the Official Best Of Craigslist section.
Anyways, legitimate Runner-Up from actually within the bounds of my neighborhood: chainsaw and/or shotgun (Normal Heights). Hellyer, somebody's dressing up like Ash! Bring on them Deadites, baby! Load up the boomstick!
But the real, honest to goodness honors go to:
"Tell me of your dreams" the doctor said.
"I can't," the patient replied, "for they are far too horrible."
"Do" the doctor said. "You must do so if we are to make any progress."
"Very well then, doctor; they always begin with being chased by swans."
"Yes, swans, enormous white birds with slashing claws and fierce, coal-black eyes. Murderous, savage raptors, hell-bent on my destruction."
"So, these were swans?"
"Yes, cruel, malicious birds of prey."
"Exactly, like Prometheus. With the liver, and whatnot."
"But, by 'swans' do you really mean the waterfowl?"
"Snow-white, aquatic terrors. What else?"
"Normally, we think of swans as noble..."
"Clearly you've never been pursued by thirty pounds of feathered nightmare, razor-sharp beak aimed at your heart, merciless talons grasping at your soul."
"Well, there are usually some swans in the park. Sometimes I feed them bread. The old ladies seem to like them too."
"That's what they want you to think."
"The old ladies?"
"The swans. They want you to see them as docile, sensitive "noble" (scoffs), majestic birds. In reality, they're mindless killers, pitiless scourges of bird, beast, and man alike. A single swan wields the destructive power of an entire army of trained ninja assassins."
"You don't say?"
"It's true. When in the midst of one of its bloodthirsty rampages, a swan is among the fiercest forces of nature."
"So, I'm just going to recommend a good, strong dose of Thorazine for you, maybe a regimen of..."
"You laugh, doctor, laugh and scoff at my tales of woe, but just wait! Just you wait until the swans are howling at your door!"