First off, a few unorthodox props to this guy for putting "hip, happening, cool, PBR, boobs" in his irritating little keyword section. Seriously, dude. C'mon now... Puts me in mind of this dude from the Official Best Of Craigslist section.

Anyways, legitimate Runner-Up from actually within the bounds of my neighborhood: chainsaw and/or shotgun (Normal Heights). Hellyer, somebody's dressing up like Ash! Bring on them Deadites, baby! Load up the boomstick!

But the real, honest to goodness honors go to:

Red Velvet Chaise Lounge - $250 (Normal Heights)

"Tell me of your dreams" the doctor said.

"I can't," the patient replied, "for they are far too horrible."

"Do" the doctor said. "You must do so if we are to make any progress."

"Very well then, doctor; they always begin with being chased by swans."

"Swans?"

"Yes, swans, enormous white birds with slashing claws and fierce, coal-black eyes. Murderous, savage raptors, hell-bent on my destruction."

"So, these were swans?"

"Yes, cruel, malicious birds of prey."

"But, swans?"

"Exactly, like Prometheus. With the liver, and whatnot."

"But, by 'swans' do you really mean the waterfowl?"

"Snow-white, aquatic terrors. What else?"

"Normally, we think of swans as noble..."

"Clearly you've never been pursued by thirty pounds of feathered nightmare, razor-sharp beak aimed at your heart, merciless talons grasping at your soul."

"Well, there are usually some swans in the park. Sometimes I feed them bread. The old ladies seem to like them too."

"That's what they want you to think."

"The old ladies?"

"The swans. They want you to see them as docile, sensitive "noble" (scoffs), majestic birds. In reality, they're mindless killers, pitiless scourges of bird, beast, and man alike. A single swan wields the destructive power of an entire army of trained ninja assassins."

"You don't say?"

"It's true. When in the midst of one of its bloodthirsty rampages, a swan is among the fiercest forces of nature."

"So, I'm just going to recommend a good, strong dose of Thorazine for you, maybe a regimen of..."

"You laugh, doctor, laugh and scoff at my tales of woe, but just wait! Just you wait until the swans are howling at your door!"

Comments

Adam92102 Oct. 20, 2009 @ 12:25 a.m.

Now I want to go as an evil swan for Halloween.

I think those couch thingies are a little silly, if not only half useful. I mean, what if you're the guy that has to sit on the end with no back? Might as well pop a squat on the floor, if that's the case. But I dig your storyline. I'm thinking you should write a story with every ad you deem worthy of a blog. Hell, just make up your own history for the item.

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 20, 2009 @ 12:43 a.m.

Are you suggesting I INVENT things??

And there's no way you're getting out of that Ninja Jesus costume...

0

antigeekess Oct. 20, 2009 @ 1:03 a.m.

I LOVE that! I shall lounge on the chaise while Adam pops his squat (which I hope doesn't hurt too much).

Evil swans abound on YouTube. Here's one of the most infamous.

That's a great idea, honey. Biiiiiig white floaty dress, flirting with a swan.

Oy.

0

antigeekess Oct. 20, 2009 @ 1:29 a.m.

"Leda's wedding footage"

Precisely.

:)

0

FullFlavorPike Oct. 20, 2009 @ 1:30 a.m.

Got to love the oh-so-rare opportunity for mythological humour.

Aaaaaaaand, bed!

0

SDaniels Oct. 20, 2009 @ 1:48 a.m.

This is one of your more refined, lovely pieces. The dialogue between analyst and analysand is contemplative, touching, and real. I was going to go as a raver chick, but now think I might go as that chaise for Halloween.

0

Adam92102 Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:01 a.m.

Yes, Pete. It's breaking down the beach into more understandable reasons for itself. Or something.

0

SDaniels Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:04 a.m.

analysand

[uh-nal-uh-sand, -zand]

–noun Psychiatry. a person undergoing psychoanalysis.

0

PistolPete Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:09 a.m.

LOL! Thanks SD. I'm too tired(lazy)to look it up. Wasn't sure if it wasn't a typo either. Makes sense to me. Kind of.

0

SDaniels Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:12 a.m.

If it soothes one's mind, 'analysee,' whether right or wrong, might be substituted ;)

0

Adam92102 Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:13 a.m.

That, too.

So... maybe it's just that it's late but... would an ampersand be a symbol going under amper? Just curious.

And not to pick on the only language I know the most but the English language seems to get more and more ridiculous as I get older. Why does there have to be a word for everything?! Analysand? Really? Is saying "a person undergoing analysis" really too much that it warrants just one word? Have we become too lazy to say three extra words? Not to go even more off tangent but I blame cell phones and texting 4 y i feel this wa- dammit!

0

SDaniels Oct. 20, 2009 @ 2:19 a.m.

New-speak, Adam. You should be a proponent of it too, you lazy yet progressive, non-commonsensical commie cat lover! Shhh. Wait for the secret light flash, and then you'd better be ready with the secret handshakeysand.

0

headcomic Oct. 20, 2009 @ 5:40 a.m.

...And it isn't just swans. The whole feathered genus is evil. Chickens, Ducks, Ostrich. AMAZINGLY Evil...

Check it out:

http://roybatty.newsvine.com/_news/2009/04/30/2753974-giant-bird-terrorizes-big-town

0

headcomic Oct. 20, 2009 @ 4:01 p.m.

Birds are basically little dinosaurs.

0

Sign in to comment

Join our
newsletter list

Enter to win $25 at Broken Yolk Cafe

Each newsletter subscription
means another chance to win!

Close