Going out on a limb and saying that the following thingy is definitely among the Top 5 Most Useless Things on Craigslist:

"Just the Right Shoe" Afternoon Tea - $10 (Normal Heights)

Seriously, who needs a four-inch-long ceramic shoe? What are the potential uses for such an ersatz antique? I can think of none. Though, it puts me in mind of shoes and how badly I would like to own the following:

Men's Frye boots 12D - $140 (Normal Heights)

Got to love the color, "Brown Rage." You won't like me when I'm angry and wearing my boots! In my motorcycling days (which, hopefully, will come again) I would have killed for a nice pair of harness boots--perfect for kicking shifters and protecting your ankles in the event of a wipeout. Speaking of motorcycles:

1957 Triumph Tiger Cub - $800 (Normal Heights)

Totally rad bike. Look at those knobby tires and rubber-booted fork stanchions. Illest of the ill, in terms of vintage, Brit motorcycles. I could so bomb around on that, in style and with pride. It'd be cool as a nicely restored vintage machine or as an old-school bobber. Damn, sometimes I miss having a moto to tear up the highways and byways with--such an epic way to get around. I live without motor these days for numerous reasons (not burning gas, not having money, staying fit, not sitting in traffic, etc.) but I can't deny my deep love of motorcycles. They're just so fun.

You'll notice that I've been trying to segue from ad-to-ad, summoning some sort of theme from the ether. Until this point, I was doing fairly well, but the connection seems to be evaporating as I try to work the next (and my pick for the day's best) ad into the mix. It just doesn't seem to follow, so I'll throw it out there and abandon the theme:

10 Nice Red Chairs - $100 (Normal Heights)

It's like a Build Your Own Waiting Room Kit. You could set the Nice Red Chairs up in your living room, put on a little Muzak, stock up on back issues of "Better Homes and Gardens," "Parenting", and "Bon Appetit," maybe a little "Newsweek" if it feels right and the opportunity presents itself. Then tell all your friends to make appointments so they can come by and sit around while your hired receptionist takes calls in hushed tones and repeats the phrase, "just take a seat, the doctor will be with you in a few minutes" over and over and over and over again until it takes on the properties of a mantra, as if the phrase began to vibrate in harmony with the primal thrum and buzz of the universe, synchronized with the the whirr, click, hum, and clack of Everything and Anything. The sitting parties begin to move in stereo, pushing and pulling the very air around themselves until things settle into the groove and rhythm of eternity, playing the neverending symphony of silent concordance.

More like this:

Comments

SDaniels Nov. 28, 2009 @ 5:19 p.m.

My question is, what if it is just NOT the right shoe? What if you need Just the Left Shoe? Guess you get left in the cold.

I think you should go for those Frye boots if you can, Pike. Very handsome. And "Rage Brown" reminds me of some of the gendered color names in my recent Land's End catalog.

They have a:

"Squire Brown" for men,

but a "Spice Brown" for women.

A "Dark Balsam Heather" for women,

which becomes "Expedition Green" for men.

"Rage Brown" for a women's Frye boot would be what, then, for women?

"Doe's Eye Brown?" :)

Anyway, I am excited about the "Build Your Own Waiting Room Kit." Maybe I'll buy the Nice Red Chairs to start, and when I've got just the right blend of Muzak, receptionist chant, and waiting room vibe, I'll have my doctors make appointments to see me, for the low copay of $15 per house call. After all, I am providing the electricity and interior space for these visits.

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antigeekess Nov. 28, 2009 @ 5:32 p.m.

Re #2: "What if you need Just the Left Shoe? Guess you get left in the cold."

Your left foot does. :)

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antigeekess Nov. 28, 2009 @ 5:37 p.m.

Pikey, all the cool little boys wore those harness boots when I was in elementary school. I nagged for some and to my great surprise, I actually got a pair. I guess my parents figured they'd be fairly indestructible.

I've been wanting some again, too. I've got some super-cute Harley boots that I never have occasion to wear, being without a hog. I agree with you on the Tiger Cub! That is a GREAT old bike!

Too bad you can't actually learn much about motorcycle maintenance from reading "Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." Disappointing, that.

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MsGrant Nov. 28, 2009 @ 6:50 p.m.

What?! Anti, as we speak I am wearing a pair of harness/motorcycle boots in black, which I wore today to my Humane Society visit to an old folks home. They were well received by all. You know what's funny about industrial clothing like this on women? We always think "I could never wear that". We buy it, pine over it, and it a fit of fashion courage, wear it. Guess what? Every woman within fifty feet comes up to you and says "I LOVE those boots". I walked through Ireland and Scotland recently in these boots, and I never got less than ten compliments a day. And this is the boot capital of the world. One other thing. I agonized over buying these boots. My husband was like, eh, maybe something more feminine? Not that he has any choice in my fashion decisions, but he has really good taste. He was pleasantly surprised when said boots tucked into jeans elicited "great boots" from the boys and girls alike. BUST OUT THOSE BIKER BOOTS and get thee to anywhere you like to go. Barnes and Noble is fertile ground for breaking out the cool duds. When you are surrounded by khaki and Izod all day, a cool set of boots will inspire those poor souls to go out and explore their inner biker-BUTCHBITCH!!

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antigeekess Nov. 28, 2009 @ 7:25 p.m.

Heehee. I'll have to set them out so I remember to wear them. They're kinda HEAVY, ya know?

You wore yours to take little critters to an old folks home? Is that what you do? I've always thought that's a great program. In fact, I kid you not, I was just thinking a few hours ago about how similar that is to the fact that I occasionally tote my kitteh over to see her 73-year-old "uncle" next door. He's my cat sitter, and he loves her. Calls her "my little girl," (not knowing that I do, too). Cute.

Come to think of it, she HATES those kind of boots -- at least, last time I had them on. It's been a while. She's very skittish around my little hiking boots, too. A mellow lap cat now, she came from FOCAS, and was "too wild to be handled," or words to that effect. Some a-hole kicked her or stepped on her while wearing boots like that. I just know it.

:(

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MsGrant Nov. 28, 2009 @ 7:36 p.m.

Yep, it was raining and I thought, what the heck? I'll wear the lug-soles to keep from slipping while towing the cages up or down the slopes we have to navigate to get to some our visits. And yes, what I do is Pet Assisted Therapy, or P-AT. It is so amazing to see the tranformation of our older, lonely citizens from one of desolation to one of pure joy when they hold and pet an animal. Breaks my heart and builds it right back up. And some of these folks are down-right funny and I laugh and play with them and it gives me alot, too. We go all over. Kids, psych wards, you name it.

You are probably right about your baby being abused by the boot. They have remarkable memories. But I hope that whoever may have done that to a defenseless animal finds themself in the same position someday. Assume the position!!!

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FullFlavorPike Nov. 28, 2009 @ 11:36 p.m.

I had a teacher in college whose Great Pyrenees dogs performed therapy for sick kids. Cra-cra in the extreme, these gigundous dogs doing their thing with little crumb snatchers. Makes sense though, to anyone who has every received any sort of fuzz therapy from a loved pet.

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