Matthew Lickona 11:49 p.m., Dec. 10
The Swift Justice Of Cosmetology
Irrelevant Personal Update: Moving out of the Lightless Torture Dungeon this weekend. Just down the block and around the corner, but still, I'll be in a house, with floors made of wood and windows that permit light into the home. In light of this, please be understanding of periodically interrupted blogging the past couple of days and the next week or so. Otay? Thanks.
Quickee Barnacle Alert to get things rolling:
Posted, and reposted, and reposted every day in the hopes of selling used flip-flops for thirty dollars. Not what I call having one's finger on the pulse of the marketplace!
Mild Titular Lewdness aside, I like sometimes to provide an example of a truly well-written ad. I consider this a public service, educating the masses on the right way to use my most favorite of favorite websites. In this ad, we have an exhaustive description of the item and all is features; a brief history and philosophical statement of the item's manufacturer; a recapitulation on certain key aspects of the Swollen Pickle; and, finally, the all-important picture, without which many sales are completely hopeless. Regardez et repetez.
But the Best-Of nod must go out to:
Midnight in Gotham City. Thugs and hooligans rule the streets, gambling in the alleyways and guarding the doors to seedy speakeasies and other such dens of iniquity. Every now and then, a gunshot rings out or the muffled sounds of a fight trickle out of dark corners and into the streets where only the bravest citizens tread after nightfall. In a world where fear is the currency of record, who will frighten the frighteners?
This is the world of Batmakeup Man.
A shadow darker than the darkness that soaks like ink into a crime-plagued world. A force more powerful than the powerful syndicates that rule the night. Batmakeup Man is always there, watching from the rain-spattered rooftops and blood-stained corners of the underworld, the last line of defense against the rotten underbelly of Gotham City.
Trained in the ancient ways of half a dozen martial arts, armed with the best weapons and armor that modern technology can devise, and possessed by a sense of discipline and duty the world has never before seen, Batmakeupman is the ultimate crime fighter. But, as everyone knows, Batmakeupman is best known for his utility belt. The adjustable clip-belt allows him total freedom of mobility, even in the heat of close-quarters makeup combat. The belt is known for its many pockets; pockets which hold brushes, sponges, q-tips, and whatnot (viz. explosives, batmakeupgrappling hook, batmakeupshuriken, lockpicks, handcuffs, laser eyeliner, mascara cannon, etc.). The faux leather construction of the famous utility belt makes for easy cleaning, a necessity in light of the nightly descent into the grimy Gotham underworld. It folds inward to protect his batmakeup brush tips, so that Batmakeupman is ready for a surprise attack from the Joker (who hates Batmakeupman for his superior cosmetics) or Bane (who wears only masks and hates Batmakeupman) at any point, never worrying that his brushes will be damaged or inoperable in the heat of battle. As perhaps the most serious makeup artist in recorded history, Batmakeupman literally hangs his life on the integrity of his makeup utility belt whenever he descends into the scum-ridden cesspool of Gotham's black-hearted criminal world.
Second only to the utility belt, is Batmakeupman's very large makeup kit on wheels. A vehicle like no other, the very large makeup kit on wheels is stackable, locks together, and rolls. The sound of the fast approaching very large makeup kit on wheels is one of the most feared noises in the history of Gotham City's blood-stained alleyways. At the first sign of the squeak squak squeak of the very large makeup kit on wheels, criminals of all stripes run for cover. That sound can mean only one thing: Batmakeupman is coming!
Hide yourselves away, gangsters, hoods, goons, thugs, thieves, murderers, and rogues of Gotham City. Batmakeupman owns the night in this town. He could be there, in any shadow, any corner, ready to spring out, Batmakeupman utility belt at the ready, to deliver the swift justice of cosmetology with an unwavering (and surprisingly well-manicured) hand.