Dorian Hargrove 8:30 p.m., Dec. 12
A brief, material world reflection: Twigg's on Adams gets bonus points for serving a macaroni salad as the side dish to their sandwich. It's not as good as L&L mac salad, but it's much more interesting than chips or nothing.
I present today's Runner-Up, which is also something of a Barnacle, with great pleasure:
Creepy? I think so, as if somewhere, in a closet, there is a real boy aging... Maybe some day, Alan Moore will put this in a comic book, of which someone will then make a ruinous film adaptation.
Now, so as not to keep the eager public waiting, a daily Best-Of ad:
Oh, snap! Called the wedding off and stuck with the dress. Sort of a shame that this is probably a really good deal on a wedding dress but it's very unlikely to sell because, practically speaking, how many brides out there are really that eager to attire themselves in some other woman's dreams? Plus, as far as I can tell, the soon to be married can rival sailors in their superstitions. Wouldn't be wearing the dress from a failed wedding be sort of like naming a boat the Albatross?
Putting my personal preferences (i.e. marriage is foolish, buck heteronormativity, etc.) aside, I find it amazing that six-hundred-and-fifty (650) dollars is what counts as a great deal on a wedding dress! Totally and completely absurd. An unjustifiable expense. The (alleged) retail price of $1000 is even more ludicrous. In what other conceivable instance would it be even remotely acceptable for someone to pay that much money for something that will be used once and then hung in a closet forever? For $1000 I could buy a bike that will last me twenty (20) years, or, if it has to be spent on clothing, a suit that will last me until I get fat. I'd probably be able to do so, point of fact, and still have cash left over to take two friends out for drinks.
I just can't conceive a more staggering waste of money, and it's not for lack of effort or imagination, being overburdened with both as I am.
Flabbergasted as I am by the cost of just a dress, I wonder what happens if I google "average wedding cost." Why, I'll be someone out there has a website for that.
Oh, look at that, there it is....
[collects jaw from ground]
Twenty...Thousand...Dollars?! I can't even fathom having twenty-thousand dollars to burn through in a single day. I'm even willing to bet that no one in his or her right mind (no one of moderate means, anyways) would blow that kind of cash on anything else. Imagine spending twenty G's on a Fourth of July party. That's within the province of whole cities and towns, not individuals. It's a totally unreasonable level of expenditure for what amounts to a party after all the champagne is poured and the embarrassing photos are up on Facebook.
And since when does a good party cost so much money to throw? I'm pretty sure I can throw a totally rad party for, like, two c-notes. Just find a friend with a band that's willing to play for free, deep-fry a couple of turkeys, buy some liquor, and make half a dozen phone calls. Boom. Instant party. If people want to show up in formal wear, more power to them.
This is the part where all the happily married people out there are getting mad at me for demeaning their adherence to a social institution.
Stop! Check your rage! I don't want to prove to you that "weddings are stupid." There's honestly no point in debating something which comes down to personal preference. I might as well try and convince someone who loves ribs that eating BBQ is for chumps. Hardly my aim, I'm not stupid, after all. But I do think that the weddings are needlessly expensive because, in the long run, a)can you really not throw a decent party for less than twenty-grand? b)would you really not rather buy a house with that money? and c)where's the logical connect between spending beyond your means and living "happily ever after?" This kind of fiscal irrationality would be the subject of absolute derision in any other circumstances, but as soon as wedding bells start to peal, absurd behavior becomes suddenly justified and even expected. Take the old adage, "you should spend two months salary on an engagement ring." Two months, to whole months pay? I wonder, how is the rent getting paid during this two months of frivolous spending? What is being eaten during this time? And the worst part of it is that you "should" make these irresponsible types of commitments to buy things you can't afford. Don't want to? Doesn't matter, you really should. At least we have deBeers to educate us on proper social ethics.
I'll try to end this on a lighter note by elaborating a hilarious practical joke which my friend and I devised the other night. It goes a little something like this:
Guys, get a jewelry box, the kind of thing that people keep engagement rings in, and fill it with breathmints. Take a girl out to dinner and, after you've eaten, take the box out and hold it suspiciously in front of you. Say something along the lines of, "well, now that we've eaten..." Pause for dramatic effect. "Would you like a mint?" Then open the box and watch offer up a little mentholated candy. Should be hilarious. Delivery will be key to this one, but I'm willing to wager one could pull it off with the right sense of timing and savior fair.
Now that I think of it, this might actually be even funnier if it was the lady who offered the mint. Somebody try it, tell me how it works.