Susan Luzzaro 5:30 p.m., Dec. 7
I Actually Wanted To Have The Runner-Up Be The Winner And Vice-Versa, But There Was So Very Little To Say About The Runner-Up (Beyond It's Obvious Awesomeness) That I Have Reversed Their Roles. Everybody Will Deal Just Fine, Thank You Very Much!
Turns out the Flagger Brigade got to my Runner-Up before I could get my blog post posted. Whatever shall we do? Good thing I saved the HTML file and can reproduce the ad here in a totally unprecedented display of blogenuity!
TotallySICK THE RHINO MTN EDGE - $2012 (GET SICKER)
"What if our government was giving this vehicle to our troops to defend our freedom and protect your family from certain death. The truth is sicker. http://www.warningfromgod.com"
Are you amazed? Mind boggled? Too bad the Flagger Brigade confused "Spam" with "Best of Craigslist?" Moving on:
Ladies, have you ever wanted to know what kielbasa feels like? Well, now all your anthropomorphic, Polish lunch meat dreams can come true for the low, low price of $120! That's just $1 for every paragraph in our ridiculously long craigslist post! For a limited time only you can share in the experience of ground pork, spices, and other assorted, sculpted meats. Be the envy of your friends--understand the trials and tribulations of sausage!
"WHAT YOU SEE, IS WHAT YOU GET!!!"
More bangs (!) for your buck, people!!! Additionally, we are the first and only company to offer the WYSIWYG Chemise Saucisson1 in the continental US. Other companies force you to deal in theories, patterns, codes, and formulae in the creation of your Chemise Saucisson, but we offer a simpler, more direct route.
And worry not, "CARE INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED WITH GARMENT"
It's very important for you, if you really want the salami experience that you maintain proper safety protocols at all times. Never store yourself or your Chemise Saucisson between 41 and 130 degrees Fahrenheit for extended periods of time. Also, be warned that dressing as undercooked meats puts you at risk of foodborne illness. If this Chemise Saucisson has been tampered with in any way, you can exchange it for a new one; which is the only situation in which we will rescind our assertion that:
"RETURNS,REFUNDS AND/OR EXCHANGES ARE NOT ACCEPTED."
In all other scenarios, you are not getting your money back or a new sausage shirt just because you don't like what you ordered. If we went out and gave everyone who didn't like her encasement a full refund, we wouldn't get anywhere now, would we?
"DO NOT ACCEPT IMITATIONS!!!"
Many people will try to tell you that you can get the same experience by pretending to be sausage made of soy or gluten. This is a lie! Only the original, Chemise Saucisson can give you the true experience of being pressed into shape and then hung out to dry like so many bits of meat.
Try it! You will love it and never want to live the life of any other foodstuff again!
1. "Sausage Shirt"