Jeff Smith 2 p.m., Dec. 18
- Community Blog
- Normal Heights Through the Blue and White
Robin Leach, You've Sunk So Low...
WooHoo! First NHTBW post of November! Such thrills, chills, and craigslisting skills as the eleventh month of the Julian calendar has never before seen. For the benefit of, let's just call him "Mister K," I present the first of the Runners-Up:
The Story So Far: Mister K has been selling this cookie jar since before I started blogging. That is weeks of listing and re-listing the same item. If none of you, Dear Readers (if I may wax 18th-century), will buy it and get it off of my website, at least contribute to answering the question of whether it is an ice cream cone or a cupcake. If sufficient input generates, I will send Mister K a link to our consensus, thereby answering his query and hopefully helping him decide on a more specific listing title which may or may not contribute to the eventual sale of this barnacle.1
I wanted to start the month of with...
...but 'twern't in my 'hood! It's huuuuuuuuuuge, though. Sheesh.
And it was, of course, remarkably tempting to write about...
...and vent my frustration at businesses using my beloved personal ads for advertising purposes. Would that I could but make the word "advertising" appear in a more sinister font!
But, in the end, it's going to be...
...The One & Only 11/1/09 Best Of Normal Heights Craigslist Post:
Glad to see it's never been used. The ad claims that it's a "great deal" at $45. Easily discoverable references seem to prove the poster isn't bluffing. Obviously, this ad is aimed at small businesses, but it really begs the question, "how sweet would it be to have a urinal in your house?
Yes, I know that none of you ladies can use it, not would you want to, which is why I am hardly proposing having only a urinal in one's home. The Urinal Scheme involves having a urinal installed as an addition to the mundane, conventional toilet. The truly discerning gentleman should have both fixtures in his WC for a number of reasons.
Reason the First
Urinals consumer approximately 30% of the water per flush that conventional toilets require. As environmentalism (or something which passes for such) is highly fashionable in 2009, the urbane consumer always tinkles Green!
Reason the Two-st
Conventional toilets make a practice of concealing their waterworks. Urinals, on the other hand, feature magnificent chrome pipes and finely burnished pull-handles. The superior aesthetics of this design are obvious to the student of lavatory culture.
Reason the Two-st, part A
(Bonus Advantage) As cars no longer contain chromed parts, and since not everyone can afford a Harley, a properly appointed urinal may be the next best thing to a classic car in terms of glorious, mid-century American design.
Reason the Three-th
Presenting guests with the opportunity to pee standing up is perhaps the ultimate gesture of good hospitality.
A more long-winded advantage to having a home urinal is that the home urinal necessitates the home urinal cake. Is there any sanitary device subject to more pop cultural jests? I think not.
Consider this recent episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, in which Charlie eats a urinal cake, despite his friends' injunctions against doing so. Itself a fairly common gag found in such films as Just Visiting, which may be the most bizarre remake of an already bizarre French movie ever. There's also that time on The Simpsons when Homer puts on the virtual reality device so his movements are mirrored by an animated dog, then walks to the bathroom and relieves himself saying, "urinal cake eroding, eroding, GONE!" Clearly, urinal cakes are the source of most humour aimed to towards adolescent boys and immature men who act like adolescent boys.
I say this to you, discerning gentlemen of the 21st-century:
"Equip your bathroom with a urinal, if not for the feng shui, for the etiquette, if not for the etiquette, then do it for the laffs!
1. Barnacle (n): any item perpetually and over-zealously listed as "for sale" in classified ads for any protracted length of time. New Slang Alert!
More like this:
- A Relentless Tide of Nausea — Nov. 30, 2009
- The Slightly Hodge-Podge Composition — Nov. 23, 2009
- Basically Little Dinosaurs — Nov. 15, 2009
- Now I'm wicked hungry and it's 2:30 in the morning. Sweet! — Oct. 4, 2009
- Golden Stalwart aka Shameless "Us" Promotion — Oct. 2, 2009