Today I bring you a profoundly expensive item for the Runner-Up:

19th Century Tortoiseshell Tea Caddy - $6000 (Normal Heights)

At first, I was a little skeptical. Six (6) grand for an ickle-bitty tea cozy box without a key? Sure, it's made out of (probably) endangered animals, which definitely gives it a little of the X-factor to the discerning collector. Turns out that it contains ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD, hence the expense. Who knew? Anybody feeling curious?

Speaking of tortoises--here's the day's Best of the Best1.

BIRDS AND TORTOISES

Posing as a charitable soul willing to take in "deformed" birds and tortoises "not in the best of shape" is all well and good, but I see your secret plans, Mister.

It is clear that you are building a secret army....

Oh, I hope we never again see the day when an army of laser-cannon equipped, bio-mechanically enhanced Turtle Birds stalks the lands, incinerating whole villages with their laser vision, stomping on the huts of innocent peasants with their terrible, robotic legs. The women and children lie huddled in silent terror beneath the floor joists as the men go bravely out to die at the hands of the indestructible army. The bravest try to sneak out under cover of darkness to procure food and water for the starving refugees, but they are swiftly gunned down by the terrible Turtle Bird soldiers, for whom darkness is no hindrance.

How could we not have seen this coming? We ignored all the signs; the maniacal stockpiling of turtles and birds with nothing left to lose, the all-caps posting of the mad scientist who kickstarted the apocalypse with his dabblings in the darkest of the dark sciences. We ignored the rising of the tide, and thus were swept away.

But, from the darkness, a hero was born. She is the only one who can stand against the Turtle Birds. She is our Joan of Arc, our Charles de Gaulle, our Neo, our John Connor. Her name is Murgatroid and she will free us from the horror of life in 2010.

Yes, that's right, the near future--2010! The Year the Earth Went Kablooey. Before 2010, things were so peachy keen, frosted with the deliciousness of a life before the onslaught of the demented army of Turtle Birds with their laser cannons, razor-sharp wings, and impenetrable shells. The numerologists, astrologers, and other pseudo-scientists were two years too late in their prediction of the 2012 Armageddon.

Our fight continues--Murgatroid will deliver us!

1. No, not that Best of the Best, obvi.

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Comments

MsGrant Dec. 9, 2009 @ 12:04 p.m.

Unfortunately, Murgatroid is in the mystery box tea caddy. Crap, where did I put that damn key?

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SDaniels Dec. 9, 2009 @ 3:07 p.m.

You left it in the "Heavens to," perhaps?

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Adam92102 Dec. 9, 2009 @ 4:48 p.m.

Great. Now I'm going to have black and white Hitchcock-esque nightmares about being attacked by Turtle Birds as I'm strolling down the street on a sunny day on my way to pick up the one thing I've been searching for my entire life... a 19th century tortoiseshell tea caddy, which I found out was only $6 and not $6000 due to the seller mistyping the price. Thanks, Pike.

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Josh Board Dec. 9, 2009 @ 4:53 p.m.

Great blog, as usual.

Only thing that would scare me more than Turtle Birds -- Snapping Turtle Birds.

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MsGrant Dec. 9, 2009 @ 6:09 p.m.

GAhhhh!! I just got that, SD!! I LOVED that cartoon!!!! Snagglepuss was the cartoon bomb. Hanna-Barbera's were some of the best.

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/heavens-to-murgatroyd.html

Style points to Pike for making her a superhero (troid).

Exit, stage left!!

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antigeekess Dec. 9, 2009 @ 6:23 p.m.

"...as the men go bravely out to die at the hands of the indestructible army."

Wouldn't that be the "beaks" of the indestructible army? Or "leathery reptilian talons," or something?

And Adam, if you think you're going to have nightmares already, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! Bwaaahahahaha!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6x8Vx3wfPw

Bet ya didn't see that coming. Neither did the bird, apparently. Smartypants bird, with its flying and whatnot, brought down by a crafty Ninja Turtle. (Now we know where THAT expression came from.)

I thought the birds were going to get even in this next one, but alas, it was only a false hope, based on a missing hyphen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6SpH3...

What with "deformed" birds hobbling cluelessly around together with gimpy and not-so gimpy tortoises, one has to wonder if this guy's yard isn't going to resemble an ongoing episode of Wild Kingdom.

Birdthought: "Hey, that ugly rock I perched and s*** on a minute ago is coming over here..."

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Adam92102 Dec. 9, 2009 @ 7:53 p.m.

Actually, I have no problem with turtles by themselves. In fact, my favorite college's mascot is a Terrapin so I rather dig turtles. It's birds I don't like and my point about how stupid birds are was just proven by getting ridiculously easily snapped up by a turtle in that video. In fact, I found myself icily cheering for that very thing to happen once the video started. It was like playing a game, trying to find which bird was gonna get it.

Man, I'm feeling kinda evil tonight. I'm not a fan of this lack of sunlight thing. Yeah, that's it. Lack of sunshine.

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FullFlavorPike Dec. 10, 2009 @ 9:39 a.m.

How epic is it that the second video was to the GREATEST MOVIE THEME SONG OF ALL TIME? And, yeah, AG, you got me on the anatomical inaccuracy point :)

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