Liz Swain 4:24 p.m., May 24
Today I bring you a profoundly expensive item for the Runner-Up:
At first, I was a little skeptical. Six (6) grand for an ickle-bitty tea cozy box without a key? Sure, it's made out of (probably) endangered animals, which definitely gives it a little of the X-factor to the discerning collector. Turns out that it contains ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD, hence the expense. Who knew? Anybody feeling curious?
Speaking of tortoises--here's the day's Best of the Best1.
Posing as a charitable soul willing to take in "deformed" birds and tortoises "not in the best of shape" is all well and good, but I see your secret plans, Mister.
It is clear that you are building a secret army....
Oh, I hope we never again see the day when an army of laser-cannon equipped, bio-mechanically enhanced Turtle Birds stalks the lands, incinerating whole villages with their laser vision, stomping on the huts of innocent peasants with their terrible, robotic legs. The women and children lie huddled in silent terror beneath the floor joists as the men go bravely out to die at the hands of the indestructible army. The bravest try to sneak out under cover of darkness to procure food and water for the starving refugees, but they are swiftly gunned down by the terrible Turtle Bird soldiers, for whom darkness is no hindrance.
How could we not have seen this coming? We ignored all the signs; the maniacal stockpiling of turtles and birds with nothing left to lose, the all-caps posting of the mad scientist who kickstarted the apocalypse with his dabblings in the darkest of the dark sciences. We ignored the rising of the tide, and thus were swept away.
But, from the darkness, a hero was born. She is the only one who can stand against the Turtle Birds. She is our Joan of Arc, our Charles de Gaulle, our Neo, our John Connor. Her name is Murgatroid and she will free us from the horror of life in 2010.
Yes, that's right, the near future--2010! The Year the Earth Went Kablooey. Before 2010, things were so peachy keen, frosted with the deliciousness of a life before the onslaught of the demented army of Turtle Birds with their laser cannons, razor-sharp wings, and impenetrable shells. The numerologists, astrologers, and other pseudo-scientists were two years too late in their prediction of the 2012 Armageddon.
Our fight continues--Murgatroid will deliver us!
1. No, not that Best of the Best, obvi.