Don Bauder 5:30 p.m., Jan. 29
- Community Blog
- Mt. Hawker
'And yet, when I look up at the sky,'
'... I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.' --Anne Frank
My situation is absolutely incomparable to what Anne Frank went through during the Nazi time in Germany. I do not mean to diminish the immense danger and hardship that she and others went through that time. I remembered the quote though, while sitting at my favorite gazebo in Mt. Hawk this morning. I looked up and out and searched for something, anything that will give me a hint. I need a hint, today, that everything will be alright. I will find a job, a source of income, something that will help me continually support my kids as a single mom, something that will help me keep my home. Something to end this cruelty, the cruelty called "the unknown."
Uncertainty is a human limitation that spins my head, tears at my very being. I am a planner, a scheduler, a lister. I have a lot of things to do as a function of being a single working mom and I've learned to conquer the chaos by trying to be organized. I have electronic alerts of kids appointments- medical, school, volunteer work; my group meetings, my work projects, even bill payment used to be all scheduled.
Now, I have to cancel the automatic payment schedule. I am running out of savings, after three months of joblessness. I do not know how I will pay my bills next month if I still don't get a job. My mortgage is the one bill I ensured not to miss all these years but I'm going to have to call my lender and beg for forbearance. I have medical appointments to make but I do not have health insurance, unable to afford the useless COBRA program that supposedly will assists you during unemployment. I get help from families and friends sometimes, but I do not expect them to continually do so in these difficult economic times.
Some friends wonder why I am not freaking out yet. Oh but I do. Briefly. I would be gripped by a momentary fear of the unknown and just break down and cry... for one second. It's as if my soul needs to release the cruelty and find relief. Always Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind, as if an angel whispers: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Always, this verse makes me feel instantaneously better. My limited mind pains because it cannot see clearly past the here and now. God and the possibilities borne only by faith sees the future plans.
(Photo by CFernando. From Mt. Hawk Park, 01/2009)
I stared at the clear waters of the lake below, reflecting the mountains and the sky. I didn't have any grand revelation. Just an unknown sense of peace and tranquility. The fresh air, the vastness of the sky above me, brought me a feeling somehow like what Anne Frank was probably referring to. A feeling that things will change for the better.
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- Mysterious & Magical Mt. Livermore — April 7, 2011
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- Tijuana/San Diego buses #2 — March 6, 2009