'... I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.' --Anne Frank

My situation is absolutely incomparable to what Anne Frank went through during the Nazi time in Germany. I do not mean to diminish the immense danger and hardship that she and others went through that time. I remembered the quote though, while sitting at my favorite gazebo in Mt. Hawk this morning. I looked up and out and searched for something, anything that will give me a hint. I need a hint, today, that everything will be alright. I will find a job, a source of income, something that will help me continually support my kids as a single mom, something that will help me keep my home. Something to end this cruelty, the cruelty called "the unknown."

Uncertainty is a human limitation that spins my head, tears at my very being. I am a planner, a scheduler, a lister. I have a lot of things to do as a function of being a single working mom and I've learned to conquer the chaos by trying to be organized. I have electronic alerts of kids appointments- medical, school, volunteer work; my group meetings, my work projects, even bill payment used to be all scheduled.

Now, I have to cancel the automatic payment schedule. I am running out of savings, after three months of joblessness. I do not know how I will pay my bills next month if I still don't get a job. My mortgage is the one bill I ensured not to miss all these years but I'm going to have to call my lender and beg for forbearance. I have medical appointments to make but I do not have health insurance, unable to afford the useless COBRA program that supposedly will assists you during unemployment. I get help from families and friends sometimes, but I do not expect them to continually do so in these difficult economic times.

Some friends wonder why I am not freaking out yet. Oh but I do. Briefly. I would be gripped by a momentary fear of the unknown and just break down and cry... for one second. It's as if my soul needs to release the cruelty and find relief. Always Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind, as if an angel whispers: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Always, this verse makes me feel instantaneously better. My limited mind pains because it cannot see clearly past the here and now. God and the possibilities borne only by faith sees the future plans.

Image (Photo by CFernando. From Mt. Hawk Park, 01/2009)

I stared at the clear waters of the lake below, reflecting the mountains and the sky. I didn't have any grand revelation. Just an unknown sense of peace and tranquility. The fresh air, the vastness of the sky above me, brought me a feeling somehow like what Anne Frank was probably referring to. A feeling that things will change for the better.

Comments

CristinaFernando Jan. 14, 2009 @ 12:25 p.m.

Thanks Mindy. Here's wishing you the same.

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vcardinalis Jan. 25, 2009 @ 12:23 a.m.

I have no idea if this will help you or not, but have you considered temping in the short term? Run a search in Google for "staffing agencies San Diego" and you'll get a list and a map. Worth a shot, especially if you're flexible with your days and hours.

-Val

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CristinaFernando Jan. 25, 2009 @ 7:35 p.m.

Thanks Val! Im signed up with two temp agencies which also can't find anything. But thank you for your suggestion. I wll probably have to sign up with more.

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vcardinalis Jan. 25, 2009 @ 11:33 p.m.

I was with a couple of them and also didn't find work, but I think it was because I generally only wanted -really- short term assignments. Have you told them you're willing to do contract temp work (like in little short spurts) and not just temp-to-hire?

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CristinaFernando May 27, 2009 @ 8:18 p.m.

Hi Mindy: That was so sweet of you. I just felt a quiet desperation again today as I received a letter from the property tax collector. I still can't pay for the full property tax. But I got an email with your message and somehow it reminded me of this post, and somehow it reminded me of God's promise. My children are looking for jobs too and I feel sorry for their frustration. I hope I, our children and your husband will soon find the light at the end of this dim economic tunnel. Thanks for keeping in touch.

The user Mindy1114 sent the following message to you via San Diego Reader:============================== I'm hoping things worked out for you, but since you haven't posted in awhile, and because my own husband and daughter can't get arrested as far as a job goes, I'm fering they did not. I liked your postings, they were quite spiritually connected. Hope you're all right and that you come back soon.

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