Matt Potter 6:32 p.m., March 28
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- MsGrant's Rants
The Doctor Is In
Listeners, today we have a big surprise for you!! We have a special guest, noted psychologist and columnist for Cat Prancy Magazine, Dr. Peanut.
Dr. Peanut has agreed to participate in a question and answer session with our listeners and we are pleased that her knowledge and deep understanding of the human/animal psyche has graced our show today. To have your questions answered, please call us at 1-800-ASK-ANUT. Okay, we have our first caller. Hello, you are on the air!!
Caller: Hi, Dr. Peanut. My cat puked in my brand new expensive shoes. My old sneakers were sitting right next to them and she could have puked in them!! Do you have any idea why she would do such a thing?
Dr. Peanut: She could not find your expensive purse.
Next Caller: Good morning Dr. Peanut. Can you please explain to me why no current bands in the last 25 years sound even close to as good as The Who?
Dr. Peanut: Well, you have to play together for at least 10 years to obtain the tightness that the old rock bands had. That, and a lot of mind-altering drugs. Heroin does not count.
Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, my husband takes my magazines into the bathroom with him. Do you think this is weird?
Dr. Peanut: The New Yorker, The Smithsonian and Cat Prancy are all fine for male perusing. Gossip magazines are okay as well. Do not allow your man to take ANY fashion magazines to the bathroom with him. He will start to think that that is what YOU are supposed to look like when you wake up in the morning. These magazines must be squirreled away and hidden from sight at all cost. IF one happens to get into his clutches before you can intervene, a copy of the current issue of Star “Celebrities Without Makeup and Their Fat Asses” must be left in its place.
Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, my co-worker has terrible breath. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?
Dr. Peanut: You’re asking me? Cats eat fish then lick their butts. I’m afraid breath is not an issue for us.
Next Caller: Thanks for taking my call, Dr. Peanut. I just graduated from college, and I am scared that I will not be able to find a job in this economy. Do you have any advice for me?
Dr. Peanut: Yes. Try looking.
Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, I like to open a bottle of wine with dinner but am not sure what to do with the leftover wine. Do you have any suggestions?
Dr. Peanut: I’m sorry, but I am not familiar with the term “leftover wine”.
Next Caller: Hey, Dr. Peanut. I am calling on behalf of my cat. He likes to kill birds, but he does not eat them. Rather, he brings them into the house and sets them on the floor and then looks at me. I can tell by his look that I am required to do something. What am I supposed to do?
Dr. Peanut: Please send the carcass along with $20.00 shipping and handling to: Dr. Peanut, P.O. Box 007, New York, NY 12002-0007. We will analyze it and return it along with our recommendations. Return is not guaranteed. Please visit our website for further details.
Next Caller: My husband just handed me a strange device he referred to as the “remote”. Could you elaborate on this?
Dr. Peanut: Only in the tense of a verb.
Next Caller: I’m a big fan, Dr. Peanut! I read your column every month in Cat Prancy!! I would like to become a writer and possibly have my own column. Could you tell me how you got your start?
Dr. Peanut: Well, caller, I have PhD from Walden Pond National University in animal behavior, along with a MS in psychology. I studied very hard for many years and wrote a dissertation on the animal-human bond. I had a very difficult time getting it published, but after many years of fine-tuning and feedback from some of the greatest minds with opposable thumbs to grace my particular field of study, it became eligible for publication in The American Medical Journal of Animals and Peoples. After that, it received national and international recognition for its astonishing insight into the bond between animals and their human companions. It touched a cord that crossed all barriers and demolished all distinctions between those who love animals. It is a slender tome that I take much pride in. Oh, and OPRAH loved it!
Well, listeners, that’s all we have time for today. Thanks for tuning in, and thank you, Dr. Peanut, for being our special guest today.
“It’s been my pleasure, Melissa.”
Please tune in tomorrow, when we interview Mick Jagger. Also joining us will be Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow, here to discuss the rumors that they hated each other on the set of “Iron Man 2” and how much it sucks to be them because every woman in America is jealous of them. Until then, make it a great day.
More like this:
- Cat Snip — Feb. 23, 2011
- Found a Peanut — March 4, 2010
- South Park Cat Tales: A Note To Mica About the Great Indoors (#9) — Feb. 28, 2010
- I Played God — May 29, 2009
- The Cats Meow — Dec. 4, 2008