Listeners, today we have a big surprise for you!! We have a special guest, noted psychologist and columnist for Cat Prancy Magazine, Dr. Peanut.

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Dr. Peanut has agreed to participate in a question and answer session with our listeners and we are pleased that her knowledge and deep understanding of the human/animal psyche has graced our show today. To have your questions answered, please call us at 1-800-ASK-ANUT. Okay, we have our first caller. Hello, you are on the air!!

Caller: Hi, Dr. Peanut. My cat puked in my brand new expensive shoes. My old sneakers were sitting right next to them and she could have puked in them!! Do you have any idea why she would do such a thing?

Dr. Peanut: She could not find your expensive purse.

Next Caller: Good morning Dr. Peanut. Can you please explain to me why no current bands in the last 25 years sound even close to as good as The Who?

Dr. Peanut: Well, you have to play together for at least 10 years to obtain the tightness that the old rock bands had. That, and a lot of mind-altering drugs. Heroin does not count.

Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, my husband takes my magazines into the bathroom with him. Do you think this is weird?

Dr. Peanut: The New Yorker, The Smithsonian and Cat Prancy are all fine for male perusing. Gossip magazines are okay as well. Do not allow your man to take ANY fashion magazines to the bathroom with him. He will start to think that that is what YOU are supposed to look like when you wake up in the morning. These magazines must be squirreled away and hidden from sight at all cost. IF one happens to get into his clutches before you can intervene, a copy of the current issue of Star “Celebrities Without Makeup and Their Fat Asses” must be left in its place.

Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, my co-worker has terrible breath. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

Dr. Peanut: You’re asking me? Cats eat fish then lick their butts. I’m afraid breath is not an issue for us.

Next Caller: Thanks for taking my call, Dr. Peanut. I just graduated from college, and I am scared that I will not be able to find a job in this economy. Do you have any advice for me?

Dr. Peanut: Yes. Try looking.

Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, I like to open a bottle of wine with dinner but am not sure what to do with the leftover wine. Do you have any suggestions?

Dr. Peanut: I’m sorry, but I am not familiar with the term “leftover wine”.

Next Caller: Hey, Dr. Peanut. I am calling on behalf of my cat. He likes to kill birds, but he does not eat them. Rather, he brings them into the house and sets them on the floor and then looks at me. I can tell by his look that I am required to do something. What am I supposed to do?

Dr. Peanut: Please send the carcass along with $20.00 shipping and handling to: Dr. Peanut, P.O. Box 007, New York, NY 12002-0007. We will analyze it and return it along with our recommendations. Return is not guaranteed. Please visit our website for further details.

Next Caller: My husband just handed me a strange device he referred to as the “remote”. Could you elaborate on this?

Dr. Peanut: Only in the tense of a verb.

Next Caller: I’m a big fan, Dr. Peanut! I read your column every month in Cat Prancy!! I would like to become a writer and possibly have my own column. Could you tell me how you got your start?

Dr. Peanut: Well, caller, I have PhD from Walden Pond National University in animal behavior, along with a MS in psychology. I studied very hard for many years and wrote a dissertation on the animal-human bond. I had a very difficult time getting it published, but after many years of fine-tuning and feedback from some of the greatest minds with opposable thumbs to grace my particular field of study, it became eligible for publication in The American Medical Journal of Animals and Peoples. After that, it received national and international recognition for its astonishing insight into the bond between animals and their human companions. It touched a cord that crossed all barriers and demolished all distinctions between those who love animals. It is a slender tome that I take much pride in. Oh, and OPRAH loved it!

Well, listeners, that’s all we have time for today. Thanks for tuning in, and thank you, Dr. Peanut, for being our special guest today.

“It’s been my pleasure, Melissa.”

Please tune in tomorrow, when we interview Mick Jagger. Also joining us will be Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow, here to discuss the rumors that they hated each other on the set of “Iron Man 2” and how much it sucks to be them because every woman in America is jealous of them. Until then, make it a great day.

Comments

CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 1:37 p.m.

LOLOLOLOL!!!! OMG, am laughing so hard here!!!

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CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 1:51 p.m.

It's too bad Dr. Peanut was on while I was doing email and playing Scrabble, otherwise I would have asked him the following question:

Dr. Peanut, where do all the missing socks go?

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MsGrant May 23, 2010 @ 2:56 p.m.

Dr. Peanut is still available to answer questions on-line!!

Dear Cuddlefish: What some believe are far away galaxies are actually swirling vortexes of socks, millions and millions of light years away. The exceptions are the ones my esteemed colleagues steal from the laundry basket, whose whereabouts shall remain secret.

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CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 5:23 p.m.

Okay I have another question for Dr. Peanut:

When is the Big One coming that's going to split California off and drop us into the ocean?

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MsGrant May 23, 2010 @ 5:33 p.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: Fred Sanford knew when the Big One was coming. If and when that really happens, I hope we all have an Elizabeth to come up and join.

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CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 6:18 p.m.

Dang, Mr. Peanut, you're good.

Okay, here's another one:

If you were a bride, would you wear stilettos or bridal flip-flops?

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MsGrant May 23, 2010 @ 6:43 p.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: Stilettos are the footwear of choice for cats of style. This flip-flop you speak of - does it involve food or something? I cannot imagine anyone wearing such a device if it did not involve food or some sort of form of style sacrifice.

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CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 7:01 p.m.

Dr. Peanut, you being a guy and all:

Boxers or briefs?

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MsGrant May 23, 2010 @ 7:36 p.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: Higher learning requires the use of underwear obsolete.

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CuddleFish May 23, 2010 @ 7:41 p.m.

Ah, I see.

Mr. Peanut, can you tell me why my cats speak Chinese and have saggy butts?

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Grasca May 23, 2010 @ 9:56 p.m.

Has Mr. Peanut read the Widow Clicquot: the Story of a Champagne Empire while sipping a glass of this particular bubbly ? My cat wants to know. She is the animal version of the Widow who is described as a tycoon and somewhat of a tyrant. In fact my cat might be a widow but she won't tell me. Some personal information is better not shared - especially on blogs.

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quillpena May 23, 2010 @ 10:38 p.m.

Dr. Peanut, you are insane, a real nut ... but insightful and funny.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 8:11 a.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: Cats live many lives, some as Chinese people. As for the saggy butts, this can be corrected by scratching the area adjacent to the tail, resulting in a lifting of the butt. As a doctor, I suggest you apply this exercise to your cats several times a day.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 8:21 a.m.

Dear Grasca: That's "Dr." Peanut. Now that we have that straightened out, the story of Barbe-Nicole has been savored along with several glasses of Veuve. Of course she is described as a tycoon and somewhat of a tyrant - most successful females and felines are. Your cat is a wise one indeed, as she sees no need to divulge certain personal information that may be used against her. Your cat sounds like someone whose company I would enjoy.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 8:24 a.m.

Dear Quillpena: I will take that as a compliment and also add that the feeling is quite mutual.

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 9:47 a.m.

Pardon, Doctor Peanut, I meant no insult by failing to address you by your correct title. My wise feline immediately noticed the error after I posted and gave a small hiss to warn me. She remains mum on her marital status but has revealed a taste for white anchovies. This could be a breathe issue in our humble chateau. Is there a feline breath freshener which the Doctor recommends ?

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 10:23 a.m.

Dear Grasca: Apology graciously accepted. Your feline appears to be a charming lady well-versed in social graces. With regard to breath, I must re-post a previous caller's request pertaining to same and my response:

"Next Caller: Dr. Peanut, my co-worker has terrible breath. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

Dr. Peanut: You’re asking me? Cats eat fish then lick their butts. I’m afraid breath is not an issue for us."

There is a tuna-flavored feline toothpaste that you can purchase, but I am afraid this defeats your purpose, which is to eradicate feline breath issues, but I can assure you, none exists, as felines are stellar examples of fasitidiously clean habits. To even mention the potential for such to your feline may make you a second candidate for afore mentioned widowhood.

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 10:54 a.m.

Perchance does Dr. Peanut have the acquaintance of one Dr. Jennifer Melfi who advised the Big Cat, Tony Soprano ? I would not want any breach of patient privacy so I will understand if you cannot divulge the information. My cat advises that in matters of breath and morals, she prefers to dark chocolate mint filled candy to alleviate any objectionable air quality issues. Ever the lady as one might expect from a feline with a mysterious past. Ah but that story must wait.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 11:30 a.m.

Dear Grasca: Dr. Melfi is an esteemed colleague and close confidant. It is no breach to say that she of the great legs confessed to me as her friend the reciprocal nature of Mr. Soprano's interest in her, but that her ethics ran too deep to act upon it.

Should your feline ever divulge her mysterious past, I would be interested in interviewing her, but I can say with utmost certainty that confessions of a feline nature are typically taken to the grave.

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CuddleFish May 24, 2010 @ 12:21 p.m.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Dr. Peanut, I think the Reader should hire you as their Advice Columnist.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 12:42 p.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: I appreciate your confidence in my abilities to perform such a task, but The Reader dumped their advice columnist several years back. I have always thought it to be a bad move on their part.

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 2:08 p.m.

My dear feline's mysterious past includes living in a foreign country. Suffice to say she would not be welcome in Arizona if her activities and true citizenship were known. I must be very discreet as she has 2 offspring who reside at another chateau. Some of her past does involve, shall we say most delicately, relationships with an emphasis on plural. However, all of this exists in a murky bygone time before she adjusted to her newly acquired status on a sunny deck contemplating hummingbirds, crows, and hawks while displaying a perfect feline yawn upon occasion.

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SurfPuppy619 May 24, 2010 @ 2:15 p.m.

Dr. Peanut, I think the Reader should hire you as their Advice Columnist.

That would be my dream job.

Giving out MY advice on behalf of the Reader!

Would we survive it though!

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SurfPuppy619 May 24, 2010 @ 2:17 p.m.

My dear feline's mysterious past includes living in a foreign country. Suffice to say she would not be welcome in Arizona if her activities and true citizenship were known.

Simple fix, just get kitty some forged papers, problem solved!

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 3:06 p.m.

Did I say anything about papers ? Or gasp the F (fix) word ? Canine hostility is not attractive. My other nickname is Claws.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 3:24 p.m.

Dear Grasca: It is not unusual for felines to go into a human-funded witness protection program to shield themselves and their children from past "indescretions". It sounds as if she has made the adjustment with better-than-average results. The need for papers of a dubious nature should be unnecessary, as long as no travels to Arizona are impending.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 3:29 p.m.

Dear Surfpuppy: I believe you would make a splendid advice columnist for The Reader, given your propensity for bluntness. Survival of said advice would be the responsibility of ones on the receiving end, eliminating those of thin skin and weak nature.

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 4:07 p.m.

My feline friend shows no inclination to travel at this time except from chair to bed to sunny deck. Many cats of a different stripe would not be welcomed by Zonies. Dr. Melfi has spoken with the Minor Cat (not be confused with the Big Cat, Tony Soprano) recently. I was not privy to the conversation even though I represent the Minor Cat (aka feline friend) in a legal sense. I got the impression that some anxiety has been created by the appearance of a dog on this blog. I may need to visit the dispensing pharmacy soon on behalf of my feline friend. Cativan or something stronger to soothe the savage beast could be in order. I await my orders.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 4:49 p.m.

Dear Grasca: Your feline is already well-traveled, what with daily changes of locale from chair to bed to sunny deck.

The doctor/patient relationship, as you have mentioned, is confidential, and although you are the legal representative of your feline, you cannot be privy to the content of her therapy sessions. I applaud her for seeking the services of a professional, as puppies do indeed induce anxiety with their appearance (something about all that tail-wagging and relieving of oneself on carpets). But mine is an equal-opportunity advice column, and I invite all who have seemingly unresolvable complications in their lives to reap the benefit of my experience.

That said, I have contacted Jennifer (Dr. Melfi) on your feline's behalf, and she has called in a prescription for Cativan to the Rite-Aid on Sunset Cliffs Blvd., this indeed being the proper drug to treat puppy-induced anxiety.

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Grasca May 24, 2010 @ 6:21 p.m.

I am heading out to pick up the Cativan and check on feline/human companion yoga classes in Ocean Beach. Even though the feline friend knows more stretches (and can do them) than most advanced practitioners of this discipline, Jennifer (Dr. Melfi) just consulted with me and suggested feline friend and I investigate yoga for my tight muscles and my cat's stress level. Dog on the blog does not bring out the best in everyone but we applaud your non discriminatory policy.

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MsGrant May 24, 2010 @ 6:54 p.m.

Dear Grasca: Felines are far superior in the practice of yoga than their human companions. Their non-competitive nature make them ideal practitioners. Jennifer was astute in her suggestion of companion yoga. The combination of Cativan and yoga will hopefully bring the puppy-induced stress to a more managable level for you both.

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Grasca May 25, 2010 @ 8:25 a.m.

Feline territorial issues have arisen at my humble chateau. An unauthorized large white cat invaded my favorite feline's deck last night. While no morsels of dry cat food are available for strays, this particular blanco gato keeps looking. The ensuing noises generated between the favorite feline and blanco gato were quite disturbing. I immediately inspected the deck for any fur as evidence of a serious cat rumble. None was found. I think the episode was sound and fury signifying something. Dr. Peanut - how do I prevent these encounters between the feline interloper and resident cat ?

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MsGrant May 25, 2010 @ 9:22 a.m.

Dear Grasca: The presence of an unauthorized feline is indeed disturbing and the ensuing fury you refer to was the result of your feline's territory being encroached upon by an aggressive gato who displayed no signs of being run off in its quest for kibble. I am happy to hear that no evidence of a ruckus was found, but one is most likely inevitable if blanco gato is allowed access to your property without fear of repercussion. While it may just be curiosity on the part of blanco and upon the discovery of the lack of morsels he may just lose interest, there is still the possibility of his trying to establish dominance over your feline. Therefore, I suggest the following: Check with your neighbors to see if someone claims ownership of said blanco gato. If no one steps forward, you must stand vigil for the next few evenings to see if the presence of blanco is to become a regular occurrence. In the event blanco makes his presence known, you must keep a spray bottle of water handy and be sure to use it, at the same time encouraging the interloper to scat in a manner slightly more amplified than normal speech (we do not want to appear undignified and resort to "yelling"). I would employ this method only after establishing that blanco is unapproachable and non-responsive to the prospect of being petted. After a few days of this, he should feel threatened enough by your presence to have the good sense to choose another deck upon which to trespass. That said, being partial to all felines, indigent or otherwise, I feel for the poor fellow if indeed he is a stray. You could take it upon yourself to establish his residency or lack thereof and retain the services of a humane trap at the local animal control. They will make sure he is disease free and up to date on his shots, and you can request that if no one claim him you will be responsible for his relinquishment, although I would hope this drastic measure not be necessary, as someone from the neighborhood will claim ownership. We here at Cat Prancy would be very anxious to know the outcome, so please keep us informed of your progress with blanco gato. There are no bad gatos, only bad owners.

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Grasca May 25, 2010 @ 9:34 a.m.

Blanco was observed to be hunting successfully while I sat on the deck one day. He caught a field mouse. I cannot ascertain Blanco's owner status or lack thereof. Blanco appears muscular and healthy. My feline friend takes any and all territorial issues very seriously. Since we have Jennifer (Dr. Melfi) on speed dial, I may need to consult with her about increasing the Cativan dose and investigate cat self defense classes at our local Y. Dog on the blog will probably recommend adding a canine to the mix at my humble chateau. Never.

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CuddleFish May 25, 2010 @ 9:44 a.m.

eating every delectable bite of this blog with a spoon

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MsGrant May 25, 2010 @ 10:14 a.m.

Dear Grasco: The addition of a canine would elevate the need for anti-anxiety medicating to code red. I do not recommend this under any circumstances in an established feline-only domain. It appears that blanco may be one of those felines that is predominantly of the outdoor variety, and probably has a home base somewhere in the neighborhood. There are some humans who believe their felines are better left to follow their natural instincts. While self-defense courses and anti-anxiety medication are always a welcome addition to any arsenal, and I highly endorse they be on hand in the event of an emergency, I will adhere to my original suggestion that blanco gato be encouraged to keep his distance from your feline's deck, most effectively achieved by your vigilance over the course of a week or two. I applaud your feline's defense of her turf, but do not wish to see it become of a physical nature, as the sound alone is enough to make one dip into our feline's medication for our own personal use.

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MsGrant May 25, 2010 @ 10:16 a.m.

Dear Cuddlefish: Your endorsement is most graciously appreciated, as coming from you that is quite a compliment indeed.

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CuddleFish May 25, 2010 @ 10:38 a.m.

Beyond amazing. You have found your true talent, MsG.

standing O

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nan shartel May 25, 2010 @ 11:55 a.m.

Dr Peanut is better then "The Pairie Dog Home Companion" on NPR

Garrison Keillor is tearing his hair out about the competition

Dr Peanut do u think u could make this a regular column to brighten up each and everyones week???

hope so

and to Grantie

i had a regular monthly piece in two magazines for 3 years in 2 dog fanciers magazine called Patagonia Parti..much in this vein...but not an advise column...it was in TNT (Top Notch Toys) and The Pom Review AND i made money at it

forget about that Realtors thing and have fun doing this instead

this is saleable hun bun...talented stuff...check it out

lovin' me some wisdom from the Peanut gallery!!!

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MsGrant May 25, 2010 @ 12:31 p.m.

Dear Nan: I for once am rendered speechless with gratitude at your kindness, but the comparison to Garrison Keillor has rendered my usual confidence in my ability to advise and entertain my audience somewhat shaken, as listening to His Drollness is perhaps one of my most favorite pastimes, and I can only aspire to reach the lofty pinnacles of his high-holiness's dry wit. I shall give it my most valiant effort to make this a regular feature.

I passed along your words of wisdom to MsGrant (she was busy with a bowl of southern greens and loathes speaking with her mouth full). She wants you to know that her two decade plus relationship with the real estate industry has been cleanly severed (although she still grapples with self-doubt about removing a significant portion of household income to pursue her true passion, which I have been assisting with through therapy sessions, as none in the household wish to see her lose her resolve and return to the source of her misery) and that your faith in her abilities is held so dear to her that it has reinforced her decision to continue seeking higher learning and the power of the written word as her future goals, rather than the pursuit of the almighty dollar.

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nan shartel May 26, 2010 @ 11:10 a.m.

good on ya Peanut and Grantie...and Roscoe say's "hell Grantie..ur natural talent needs very little higher education...u has a stand on ur own style thx mighty pleasin!!!

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nan shartel July 5, 2010 @ 12:17 p.m.

once again i come to the well of REAL and complete KITTY talent

i know Grantie dear...with this perfect little catologist's office in ur home all will be well...

so catnap with ur catnip kitty and have a feline influenced week

signed :Rdog...a terrieroricffic hound in Lakeside

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bohemianopus April 1, 2011 @ 3:57 p.m.

O. M. G. !!! This should be a regular column! I have SO many questions for the good doctor. I am thankful that we FINALLY have a REAL doctor to help us all with our neurosis.

Dr. Peanut for President!!

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