There are a few signs found around my condo complex, Village Woods, and what I think of them:

The first sign you see says "Village Woods" not Welcome to Village Woods as you will note when you read the second sign you see

From Village Woods Fun Party
and I quote directly: "NOTICE TO VISITORS ALL PERSONS ENTERING THIS PROPERTY SHOULD PROCEED DIRECTLY TO RESIDENT'S UNIT. NO LOITERING, TRESPASSING, GAMBLING OR ILLEGAL ACTIVITY IS PERMITTED IN THE COMMON AREAS. VIOLATORS WILL BE SUBJECT TO ARREST"

This sign could re-establish the Third Reich and get it to last for a thousand years. Yes, by all means proceed directly to the resident's unit. But what if you are a real estate agent and/or a potential buyer? This isn't going to make you feel warm and fuzzy about Village Woods - and it's the second sign you see! Not a good, property-value-increasing thing! What if you want to take a walk around the complex? If you do you run the risk of arrest? On my (illegal?) walk I met a number of nice people and a few cute, friendly dogs, a good, property-value-increasing thing.

From Village Woods Fun Party

Speaking of dogs, it seems that some people with access to desktop publishing, time on their hands and, sadly, not a full command of proper English, don't want dogs to poop on the property. Here is the sign I saw in on of the laundry rooms: "Please clean up after your dog. You can be fined $100 by the association if your caught." To these people, I say: "your" means belonging to you as in: "signs like this show your ignorance". The word you're looking for is the contraction of you + are. Thankfully, this sign is hidden in the west laundry room, where it showed signs of being taped somewhere before being taken to the bulletin board by a Good Samaritan grammarian. One more thought: If you understand that dogs sometimes poop without their owners' knowledge and spend a minute picking it up, you will save the ten minutes it took to make the sign, post it and slaughter our language. Thank you.

From Village Woods Fun Party

Speaking of English, the next sign was not written in that tongue. Here is the direct text: "NO SKATEBOARDS ROLLERSKATES BIKES RIDDEN ON-SITE" Had it been so, it would read, "No skateboards, roller skates or bikes may be ridden on site." Proper English is the least of this sign's worries. It's rude; it blocks a nice view of the pond that no one may look at because they should "proceed directly to resident's unit" (see the red sign, also not printed in English, above) and it's written IN ALL CAPS, which sounds like yelling. Don't yell at me! Write a nice sign that says "There's a great park about two blocks from here, where you can ride bikes, skateboards and roller skates. For safety's sake, please don't ride those things here. Instead, why not look at the cool pond over this low-hanging sign."

This is my all-time favorite crazy sign.

From Village Woods Fun Party
First off, it's right on the clubhouse door, where you couldn't get in with blowtorch and a search warrant; second, it's printed on official someone's yellow stationary; and third, it extols us to rat on our neighbors. It reads: "Attention Village Woods Residents As of August 1, 2010 some residents will be deactivated. If you are approached and asked to let someone in that doesn't have a working key, please do not allow them access. Keys are deactivated for various reasons and allowing these residents access to the recreation facilities poses a liability issue to the homeowners association. Thank you in advance for your cooperation in regards to this matter."

It almost sounds like the tactics used by the Nazis, Communists and Fascists to foment fear and distrust of your neighbors. You never knew if your neighbor was going to turn you in to the Nazis, Communists or the Fascisti. Thankfully history has taught all but this sign-maker that those tactics only serve to topple your regime.

What is the liability to the Homeowners' (note the apostrophe?) Association? People who have had their access denied are still members of the Association, they still need to exercise... Note to Association Facists: your neighbors are talking about you. We will turn you in to the grammar police; suggest you get counseling; and re-write your signs. Although, I wouldn't rewrite this one, I think people who owe money to the association should still be able to use the pool.

Oh, and here's the sign on the pool:

From Village Woods Fun Party

Comments

OBDave Jan. 1, 2011 @ 10:23 p.m.

Good stuff! Especially the gambling part - do you really have problems with roving bands of hoodlums shooting craps by the carports? After extensive experience, I've developed this definition of a HOA: a collection of the complex's retirees who gather regularly to plot new restrictions that will keep kids off the lawn and away from the pool area.

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nan shartel Jan. 2, 2011 @ 4:09 a.m.

HMMOG!!!

...r u living in a post Russian gulag??

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MsGrant Jan. 3, 2011 @ 9:17 a.m.

"some residents will be deactivated" - LOL!! It's like something out of "Logan's Run"!! I remember seeing a tee-shirt with an electric guitar with a circle/slash around it. Below it said "No Fun Allowed". Post a couple of those around and maybe they will ease up? I doubt it. These people love the micro-power of the HOA.

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Kevin Six Jan. 5, 2011 @ 11:15 a.m.

Thanks for all the love! Wanna buy a condo in my complex? No, really.

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Robert Johnston Jan. 5, 2011 @ 2:16 p.m.

HOA=Folks with too much time on their hands on the mother of all power trips.

With but a word, you too can become homeless over some piddly-diddly issue. They care not that you pay your rent on time, keep to yourself, and don't play "The Rolling Stones On PCP" at 20 decibels above the point of pain.

No, they look for issues to see you fined and/or evicted. Unless you play brown-nose with them, they hold you in contempt...after all, you can be replaced at any time by someone "more grateful" to be living in a place that makes The Gulag look like a den of libertines!

--RKJ

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