Bart Mendoza 5 a.m., Dec. 8
Dear Alex (Spanos),
After almost 34 years together I’m starting to think this relationship isn’t working. I’ve given you my unconditional support, my precious time, and my hard-earned money and in return you’ve given me nothing but unrealized expectations (2006), sheer heartache (2009), and colossal disappointment (most recently last Monday night). In the beginning our relationship was such a rush. It was all fireworks and passion. Granted we never reached climax, but it was exciting all the same. Then the passion kind of fizzled out for awhile. But it was okay because as everyone knows that’s a natural occurrence in the course of most relationships. You were down in the dumps for about a decade there but I supported you anyway, always believing you’d find a way to recapture past glory. In 1994 you really surprised me. At a time when I didn’t expect much from you, we went farther than we ever had before. Even though we came up just short of ringing the bell, it was a truly memorable time in our relationship. Unfortunately it was just a blip on the radar as you promptly went back into the tank for another decade. But it was okay because that small taste of glory carried us through the tough times. In 2004 we turned the corner (or at least I thought we did). The year ended on a low note but our future never looked brighter. At that time I was more certain than ever that we were meant to be together. Then, inexplicably, you turned into a miserable tease. It was almost as though you enjoyed getting me all hot and bothered only to slam the door in my face. Driving back from your house, emotionally crushed and physically unfulfilled, it was all I could do to not drive my car off the road (no disrespect to Junior Seau). I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about what could have been. Recently you keep threatening to leave and go be with someone else. Maybe it’s time you made due on this threat. Perhaps we should start seeing other people so we know what else is out there. I think it’s time to face the fact that this relationship is dysfunctional and it’s no longer good for either one of us. I never thought it was possible to love and hate someone at the very same time but that’s exactly how I feel about you. This relationship may be beyond salvation but we have been together for 34 years and I hate to just throw it all away without making one last ditch effort. If you really love me it’s time to make some wholesale changes in your life. First off you need a serious attitude adjustment (fire A.J. Smith). Secondly you need to stop acting so damn stupid all the time (fire Norv). And lastly (gulp), I never thought I’d say this but it might be time to try a new look (explore alternatives to Rivers). Until you’re ready to make these changes please don’t attempt to call or contact me. I’m not in a good place right now and I need some time alone.
John Q. (Life-long Chargers fan)