Don Bauder 7:49 p.m., May 22
As a life-long Chargers fan I can’t help but feel like I’ve turned into this guy (see photo below). Not literally (my wife is hot) but metaphorically speaking. It’s like everything was cool until one day I woke up and realized I’m stuck with a fat chick. On the surface my words may sound cruel and insensitive (I know - fat people need love too) but bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this.
Let’s start at the beginning. There was clearly a reason I fell in love with her in the first place. Granted it was a long time ago but I’m fairly certain she didn’t always look this way. I realize time has a way of romanticizing things and making them seem better than they actually are (so does alcohol), but I’m not kidding myself. I know she’s never been the best looking girl at the dance, but she was readily accessible and we’ve had some good times. But recently an inexplicable chain of events (giving complete control to AJ Smith) has sent things spiraling out of control. Perhaps I should have seen this coming. When she chose to hit the fast food drive-through this past off-season (for the fat-laden contracts of Gaither, Meachem, and Royal) instead of sticking with the carrots we already had in the fridge (Jackson, Tolbert, etc.) what was I supposed to expect? She’s made multiple questionable dietary choices in the past, but this most recent binge / purge tipped the scales in the entirely wrong direction. For a while now she’s been packing on the pounds. I’ve looked the other way, turned the lights off, and told myself things will get better. After all she’s always struggled with her weight but she’s had this uncanny ability to shed off the pounds when it counts, and make herself presentable. Unfortunately she’s now gotten to the point of no return (3 straight years of missing the playoffs). I can no longer stand the sight of her and spending time together literally makes me sick to my stomach. I see my friends out with their hot girlfriends having a great time, and I’m embarrassed to be seen with her. In conclusion she’s hideous and I’m done.
Until she gets a new dietitian and a complete makeover, I’ve decided to start playing the field. I hear the dating scene is nice in Houston this season. Or maybe San Fran? Just please keep me away from the fat chicks.