White Trash food, canning, pies, beets, turkey, bread pudding, asparagus, potlucks, sweet potatoes, rhubarb, spinach, Easter bunnies, jellybeans, ice cream, apricots, and dog food served as paté
3:58 p.m., Feb. 19
So it's been a long time, entirely too long if I do say so myself, since I've last sat down and wrote my thoughts. Well to be honest, there is a journal out there that I'll never get to read again that holds some of my most precious and saddest memories. Those are things that I cannot rewrite down, I've already let them leave my mind although I'm learning everyday they may never leave the depths of my heart.
On that very matter is what I want to write about. The wretched little creature that I consider my heart. The thing that won't let go of matters that my brain so desperately tries to forget. I was reading some of the old ramblings that I've left buried in the darkest regions of the internet and the dusty old notes that are crumpled in the mess that I've let them survive in and I think for once I can admit one thing, that I haven't learned. I don't think that I necessarily believe that I haven't learned from the falls, but I don't think that my heart will ever learn. I seem, through the years, to follow the same pattern of ecstasy followed by depression. I can't understand when this all happened. When did I become the dreamer who wakes up to the nightmare? When did I decide to wear this mask of smiles and only allow the pain to show through soul in my eyes? There are so many things I still do not understand. Things I relive everyday.
I still think about having dinners and holidays with a family that so easily brought me in. How much I've always wanted that for my own family. To be open and in love. Since then I haven't gone back to my own home. To pretend to feel comfortable in a situation I suffered through privately in the darkness of my bedroom I cannot do again. I still think everyday the excitement of our adventure together. How wrong it was yet how much we relished in it having you to show the world what I thought was true love. I loved not caring about the remarks of people while you cuddle me dry by the pool because for those moments in my youth you were my world and since then I hate pools. It makes me laugh inside to think that someone cared about me so much that they would sleep in a car just to see me for a few hours and I can never make someone make that sacrifice again. I for sure think everyday of the one who gave me his all, who I wanted everything with, to love, to hold, to go see the world with. The one who I made my world that I now cannot escape. The one I would have married if given the chance. To the one who showed me that a sunset could look so beautiful and that a moonlit sky could be so endless. To the ones who taught me how to love beyond reason and feel the pain of death in our separation.
Dear lord how I miss reaching out and feeling your hand in mine. How I miss my smile in the reflection of your eyes. You lips against my lips, my body against yours. Our passion and warmth embracing me I miss at night. My brain wishes it never met you. That I never saw you. That our paths never crossed. My heart however knows that they did as it bares the scars of our distance. I miss our laughs and inside jokes that only you and I will understand. I miss our late night conversations and knowing you would always be there.
But that's the lie that I believed. That you would always be there. You weren't there when you snuck behind my back to be with another just to feel better about yourself. You weren't there when we fought over nonsense just because you were too afraid to loss control. You weren't there when I tried to leave and you just let me go then treated me like I was worthless. You weren't there when I was suffering in our room surrounded by the silence of your memory when you stated you still loved me. You weren't there when I poured out my heart because all I got was the cold of your shoulder. You weren't there maybe from the beginning, maybe that's why I always felt second best. You made me believe that I would never be good enough...that I fight for a lost cause.
You are the reasons why I lay shattered in my bed. The reason why I notice that every night is so dark. The reason why a tear finds its way to my cheek. The reason why I stare at a phone that will never receive a call I so long to get. You are the reason why a dream, so many dreams of mine will never be more than that. The reason why I take a deep breath before everything I do. The reason why I run in hopes to find an exit to this pain.
I want to say I've learned so much, which I do believe I have. I want to say that I've learned how to smile in the face of sadness. I've learned the bitter truth of life, not all last forever; not every dream comes true. I want to say that I learned to never give up. To love relentlessly. To fight for a lost cause because my heart has faith that all will turn out the way it should. That the more it hurts the more potential it has to feel good. My heart foolishly leads itself into where it shouldn't go and I have learned all too well how to pick up the pieces by myself. I've learned that no matter how many times I fall, I'll get back up.
I'm a foolish romantic who never comes up with an exit strategy. If you think I've moved on... I haven't. Behind the smile, the laughs and the jokes lies a person who never really got over you. One who will dream a dream even though that dream is gone for me.
To whoever is reading, I hope you are happy because through all my pain and suffering all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I hope you are