Don Bauder 6:30 p.m., May 22
- Community Blog
- Homeless San Diego
Tale That Wagged The World
It was May 3rd 2011 at seven a.m. when the phone ringed and Mitt said "hello" Hey Mitt did I wake you? No I was up - I know why ya calling - Don is it really true? Hell yeah it is, can you believe it?? Well I thought Bin Laden had a pass from the (3). He did; said Don. Well what the hell happened?asked Mitt. (Don) I guess the Boyscout didn't get the Memo.
(Mitt)-Well what does´W´have to say about all this? (Don)- I know for a fact that ´´W´could care less and give less than a damn about it, he´s got money comin in from so many places he had to hire a team to keep an account of what he has, ¨W¨ don´t care Mitt, trust me on that one. Ya know that was a real gutsy call the Boyscout made. (Mitt)- so are we still sticking to the plan?
(Don) Yeah according to Jerry he still feels that we can win this thing, But ya know Mitt I can't see it happening. It was bad enough before being Republican and walking in "W"s footsteps an now this. If we had an election today The Boyscout would win by a landslide .
Mitt- yeah I agree with ya, What I don't understand is why they don't have any dirt on him? Don- From what Jerry tells me, the (3) likes the guy and they are still making money with him. They like the fact that he's a real Boyscout an believe me when I tell ya they have so many camera's on him that they can give an accurate account of how many sheets of two ply he's used since he's been in office.
(Don) Ya know´´ I never met a politician that didn´t take money or screwed around, this guy is obviously not a team player.(Mitt) Hold it! Don are you insinuating that all Politicians screw around. God Damn it!!!! Mitt I thought this phone was secure!!!! It is Don, i´m just messin with ya.
(Don) The way I see it, the (3), dosen't really care if they win or lose, they made so much money with "W" they can afford to piss away a few billion. And with that in mind I don't think I'm going to stay on board with this election, Hell I'm a Realtor not a politician and even though the package I was offered was very tempting, as a matter of fact it's damn good money just to suck up votes and make you look good.
Mitt- Wait a minute Don don't sell yourself short, you are a lot more than just a Realtor and I wish you would stay on board- Don- I,ve been up most of the night and I'm just not comfortable with it, hell Mitt, I got T.V. deals, lectures, books and more. My plate is just too full for this. The reason I'm telling you first is because this Jerry is just so "gung ho" and I really don't want to get on his bad side if ya know what I mean - Mitt-Yeah Don I get ya, Don-So couldja give him a call and maybe soften things up for me- Gee Don I was really looking forward to kicking your ass - Don - I just bet you were, why doncha give Newt a call he could use the money .
Don - Ya know on second thought don't even tell Jerry we talked and definitely don't tell him that I;m not going to run against you. Mitt- No worries Don everything we say stays between us, but I do wish you would reconsider I could really use your help. Don - Oh I',m still onboard with the plan and ya got my total support, but I can't see putting myself out front after this Bin Laden thing, anyway just give me a call back after you talk to jerry and remember this conversation never happened - Don't worry about that Don "scouts honor" ( Mitt hung up and dialed Jerry)
Jerry speaking ( with a voice like George C. Scott in the movie Patton) Mitt - Hi Jerry I just got off the phone with Don and he`s dropping out of the race.
s doin what?? He said because of this Osama Bin Laden thing hes dosen
t feel comfortable about goin along anymore. Why that Pansy ass son of a B--ch, he aint fit to be a pimple on a real American`s ass. Well good riddance to him. Who needs him anyway.
Mitt- He says he´s still on board with the plan and he´ll deliver his rich friends, but he´s basically got too many things going on- personally I think he wants my job. Jerry- Ha´ that´s a laugh, anyway I kinda figured he would do something like this and we got Newt on standby. Ya know we didn´t see this Bin laden thing comin, But everythings still gonna be ok. Ya see Mitt ,I can´t over emphasize how important it is for us to win this thing. The nation is on it´s back with the soft side exposed and everybody is blamin Junior for everything that went wrong personally I think it was the best thing that could ever have happened because we now have a rare opportunity to put the nation back the way it should be. We gonna have to tear everything down and rebuild the nation from within. Mitt- Jerry you´re preachin to the choir .
Mitt- what does the (3) have to say about all of this? jerry - They don't give a damn, Junior put policies in place that's gonna guarrantee them record profits for the next ten years, an Iran will just be the icing on the cake. Ya know I love Junior like a son, an I never did agree with him letting Bin Laden go. But the way this guy handled it was brilliant, he actually televised the assasination of the world's number one terrorist, ya damn sure can't dispute it, but he screwed up by throwin him in the Ocean - Americans want closure and a chance to pick at his bones, it was great for national security but a political disaster. Especially since it's a year and a half before the election I got the best computer geeks and the best media people that money can buy. By voting time nobody will remember Junior or Bin Laden.
Mitt- You do realize I got this problem with the IRS, right?, Jerry- hell yeah' we're actually gonna leak it to the press - Mitt- what??? Jerry-that's right' so what' you cheated on your taxes, that's as american as apple pie. Ya see Mitt we're not promoting you, what you do or say dosen't mean anything to nobody. we figured out that it's a hell of a lot easier to sell fear and hate than it is to sell love and trust. Ya see Mitt nobody will even notice you or what you do or even what you say because all eyes will be on the president. And by voting time he will become a tree huggin,gay lovin, anti christian commie half breed that wants to ultimately destroy this great nation of ours.
So I have a question for you Mitt, have your feelings changed? No Jerry I'm still optimistic and very much onboard for sure. Jerry- Are you satisfied with your package? -Mitt -More than satisfied Jerry. Jerry- Mitt we gotta win this thing, it makes me sick to see what this great nation of ours has become, americans would rather take a hand-out rather than go to work, but now is our chance to right all the wrongs. Mitt, Historically Americans are at their best after over coming extreme adversity. And a very rare opportunity has presented itself and the time to strike is now. Only with purposeful and extreme suffering and regulated progressive struggle by the masses, compounded with a long bloody and hard fought, glorious and victorious war, will we achieve our ultimate goal.
Mitt- Jerry I've got to admit that I do have a few concerns, I,ve been going over the issues and I'm totally on board with Repealing Obamacare and it'll be an easy sell, especially with all the backing we'll get from the Drug and Insurance companies along with the medical community. Those guys are going to take the biggest hit and lose a lot of money. Also it'll be easy to justify it because of the expense and socialist overtones. But trying to sell the war with Iran with the economy the way it is, so soon after that Iraq fiasco and saying I'm going to balance the budget in the same breath at the same time is impossible.
I'm sure that Obama's campaign will jump all over it and show that it's a mathematical impossibilty. How am I suppose to respond, when I'm questioned about it.?
Jerry- Mitt I respect the fact that you pointed that out, but you have got to trust my people to handle all of that for ya. I can tell you now, that all you have to do is not respond at all. Mitt-What!!?? That,s right, You will not respond at all to any questions you do not want to answer.You will either ignore them or simply speak with complete confidence and conviction and say that you can not go into ''specific details''.
Mitt-I don,t know Jerry, I don't think the american people are that stupid. Jerry -never underestimate the stupidity of another individual. I also understand your concerns, but all you have to do is trust me and my people and follow our instructions to the letter. You know? do you remember that lewinsky-Clinton thing back in the nineties. Mitt- Of course! who dosen,t remember that. Jerry- That was us!!. (Jerry Laughing) You should,ve seen the poor guy walking around with a raging boner for days. hell me an the fellas mad bets on how long he would go before caving in. We needed him to be more cooperative so we sent lewinsky after him, she was spiking his coffee and tea with an undetectable vitamin supplement that worked like a mild form of viagra. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on anything with a constant hard-on?? it was hilarious, I,m amazed the guy lasted as long as he did. The first president ever to be impeached for getting a blow job. ( they both started laughing together)
The american people were all on board with the guy being impeached for getting a blow job. So Mitt again I say, you can never underestimate the stupidity of another individual.
So Mitt as far as Iran is concerned it's true we are going after the Oil, but you see Oil is power and they are now the third largest Oil producing country in the world. But there's more at stake here than just the Oil, Ya see it was just a few years ago ol Ahab, was out in the desert herding his Camels and then he spots a black pool of Oil in the sand. Then overnight they become billionaires with all this power. I gotta ask you mitt would you trust your son at the age of four to drive you and your family to church on sunday? Mitt- of course not !!! Jerry- Would you leave a dozen playful monkeys loose and allow them to run amuck in your home while you're away to do with as they please with all your fine valuables. Mitt-(laughing) No.!! Jerry- The Iranians are all just little " Monkey Children".
Hell Mitt' they just recently got indoor plumbing, and it's a known fact that with great power comes great responsibility. Thats where we come in, we are going to help them along the path and teach them the same way you would a child, until they become mature enough to handle the power that they have inherited. We will also show them how to become decent christians and change their heathan ways. The Oil is a small price to pay for democracy and christianity.
After we win this thing Mitt, it's gonna be a rough spell for awhile and it's all necessary and has to be done. This country needs to be placed back on the right track. We got women bossing men and putting good men out of a job doing man's work. And my beloved military that has always had men that were too shy to speak to women and were great soldiers but now they are outright recruiting Sissies, that has got to stop. We will invade Iran before June and Unemployment will more than double within a year (Mitt- Jerry I') Jerry- Mitt just hear me out first, then you can speak ok. it's necessary to tear everything down to the brink of total chaos then rebuild. There's going to be tent cities, riots, protesters, a 40% increase in crime, Banks closing, and millions of home foreclosures. there will be looting and fires all over the country and from the flames and rubble, true americans will emerge. It will be a glorious cleansing and purification process and leaning of the herd. Oh sure millions will fall to wayside, they will mostly be coloreds, whitetrash, near-do-wells and the Mex.
The people will be glad to work for wages that we give them just to be working and men will get first preference and become bread winners for their families again. We will also have war hero's to look up to again, America will again be "America land of the free and home of the brave"
Now Mitt I have one question for you, Will you be my president??
Mitt- Yes Sir, I will
VOTE FOR OBAMA THE ONE YOU CAN TRUST YOU GAVE BUSH 8 YEARS TO CREATE THIS MESS, GIVE OBAMA 8 TO FIX IT (This message was appoved by americans with plain old common sense) Flagman
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