Matthew Craig Burke 11:30 a.m., Feb. 12
- Community Blog
- Gabacho in TJ
November Blog Winners Announced Amid a Flurry of Controversy
I can't believe that You picked Border Patrol jokes over "But I'm Not Ready For A New Cat". Did you see the photos of the cute kitten. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING sells papers like photos of a cute kitten and that was a cute kitten.
I put that blog in front of four different focus groups. I asked them a few questions after they read the article. Not a single person in any of the groups was able to answer even one question about the contents of the article, not one. Every single person was able to give detailed descriptions of the kitten photos: the pose, lighting, facial expressions. Every single person, 100%, also remembered the fake newspaper name that we put in the header of the blog. In fact by the fourth group I changed the font to MS wingdings. Fruitin A. we got the exact same results.
That could have been the name of your paper in the header.
So we went out and bought an eye tracker to find out exactly what was happening. We set up four more focus groups. Craigslist Moscow got us an eye tracking suit in less than a week. Only half the people in the focus groups were able to support the weight of the suit, even while sitting. But that was enough.
Not a single person was able to read more than one sentence of text before returning for a full scan of the kitten photo. But an interesting thing happened on the way to the kitten photo. The eyes went all the way up to the top of the page and scanned the header before moving on to the main course, the kitten photo. Every time, after every sentence.
That could have been the name of your paper getting scanned after every sentence. That is one cute kitten.
Wew, wow. Yeah thats the stuff. YES YES
Oh oh another one. yew wow. wait my left arm just went numb. Chest pains. wow.
That is OK. I'll just power through one handed. yeah yeah. And then,
And then I'll finish the letter. WOW
Ok, where was I. Right. I spent over ten hours on each of those kitten photos. With nothing more that a single boar hair, a thin oil paint the viscosity of a watercolor and strong magnifying glasses I embedded shapes and designs into the photos: the floor, cat hair, the walls, anwhere I thought that I could hide them in plain site. Turns out that I am quite clever and was able to hide them almost everywhere. These designs and shapes will bring a rosy blush to your grandmother's face. These designs and shapes will return the word tumescent to your grandfather's vocabulary and I don't care how long ago you buried him. I just can't believe that you passed on the kitten photos. Don't tell me that you don't play for that team. There is stuff there for everyone. And if you still weren't moved, there was the kitten. And that is one cute kitten.
Anyway, its probably too late to submit photos with the border patrol jokes. They won't let me take any photos near the border anyway.
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