Don Bauder 5:30 p.m., Jan. 29
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Ersatz News Source: Manson Wins Parole; Spanish Becomes National Language
Manson Wins Parole (10/25/12)
Following his latest parole review board at Corcoran State Prison, authorities finally announced the approved parole status of mass murder Charles Manson. This means his release may come in as soon as in the next two weeks. The parole board had no explanation for their decision other than to say, “He indicated quite a few improvements during the last three-months.” A lawyer for Manson said the felon plans to move to the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego, where he intends to run for the next vacant city council or school board seat.
Spanish Becomes National Language (10/25/12)
Congress returned early from their fall vacation to pass a bill which unanimously approved a landmark change of the national language for all U.S. citizens. Beginning immediately, all television shows, newspapers, and business transactions will be in Spanish. The bill was introduced by one-time vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and championed by the Republican Party. Ryan said, “This is the best thing for the country, no doubt. Next, we might consider a change to using Pesos.”