There were a few interesting stories I couldn’t decide between blogging on.

There was that idiotic, 86-year-old owner of the Tennesse Titans. As his team beat the Bills, he decided to flip off the crowd. And it cost him $250,000.

I love the fine. Players have been fined $10,000 for such gestures. But those guys just put their bodies on the line in a game, and have some obnoxious fans yelling vulgarities at them. It’s almost understandable when they snap. An owner, eating caviar in the box seats, should chill out and act more professional.

Another fun story was 50 Cent, who appeared on The Tonight Show. I gained a lot of respect for him in how he handed a situation.

The nerdiest kid around…posted some online message about how he lost respect for 50 Cent because he is selling out. He called him a “media whore,” and said that he has a few good songs but because of all this, he loses street cred and he wouldn’t be a fan anymore. I think all this stems from him having a cologne come out.

The Canadian kid had braces, and a gap in his two front teeth that puts Letterman to shame. He’s got these goofy, squinty eyes, and talks like he might be a bit slow.

50 Cent thought the best course of action would be to….wanna guess?

Put a hit on him? Nah…that’s what some teacher did on a student the other day, but that’s another story for another time. 50 Cent is hardcore. He wouldn’t hire someone. He’d take care of matters himself.

He called the boy and talked with him. He then flew him and his family out. He joked to Conan, “I then said ‘What the Hell did you say that stuff for?!!” He laughed and then said they talked about the situation, and now the kid talks smack about other people and not him. It was funny, and a great way to handle something negative.

But the story that takes the cake, comes out of jolly old England.

A woman had to quit her job at a biscuit factory. Wanna guess why?

No, she didn’t gain a hundred pounds her first week.

She has been having 300 orgasms a day, and the machines set this off (not sure why she couldn’t just invest in some ear plugs; maybe putting ear plugs in would cause orgasms, too). When I hear the Blues Brothers song “Rubber Biscuits,” I’m going to be laughing now for a whole different reason.

KOGO comedian/newsman Chip Franklin joked that the woman smokes a cigarette after each one, and now has lung cancer.

I said that there are probably plenty of guys in England that have 300 orgasms a day. They’re unemployed, sitting in front of their computers, and developing a bad case of tennis elbow.

One weird quote from the woman is that she said she finally found a boyfriend that could keep up with her. Well, I’m wondering…why does a boyfriend have to keep up with her? She suffers from what’s called Sexual Arousal Syndrome. And, if this is causing her to have all these orgasms each day, a man doesn’t have to keep up, does he? And using that logic…are woman going to have to keep up every time their boyfriends/husbands get aroused? If so, nobody is going to ever leave the house.

Her boyfriend of six months is having sex with her 10 times a day. If I was dating her, I’d say, “Can’t you do what men have done for a 100 years? Think of baseball. Or Larry King. That would drop your number down significantly.”

And how does she know she has 300, anyway? Did she count them all one day? And, I’m not going to do the math, but…I’m guessing that’s over two orgasms an hour, right?

Anyway, this story reminded me of a girlfriend I had in college. She had a disorder that caused her to have an orgasm every time she sneezed.

For Christmas I gave her salt and pepper shakers.

More like this:

Comments

redsoxfan Nov. 18, 2009 @ 2:25 a.m.

Okay, so I was laughing through the entire post....well done...salt and pepper shakers...clever! I also DID do the math...300/24 = 12.5/hr...I think that's pretty hard to believe...maybe she needs to learn to butter her own muffin? Bad pun, I know, but I couldn't resist....

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RobertScorpio Nov. 18, 2009 @ 7:34 a.m.

That woman needs to find her male soulmate. BILL CLINTON!!

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KarenBP Nov. 18, 2009 @ 9 a.m.

i laughed at this whole post, too. Didn't give me an orgasm, but felt pretty damn good. And i needed that this morning.

That 50 Cent is one smart dude.

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magicsfive Nov. 18, 2009 @ 9:11 a.m.

i laughed as well. but please give me a MF break....300 orgasms? come on.

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RobertScorpio Nov. 18, 2009 @ 9:48 a.m.

I read the story to my wife and then she had 50 of her own. Thanks Josh!!!

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Josh Board Nov. 18, 2009 @ 10:31 a.m.

Robert, next time try a photo of me, for an added two or three!

Redsox, that was a funny post.

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PistolPete Nov. 18, 2009 @ 10:50 a.m.

Sorry Josh. I must disagree with you on Bud Adams. First off, He's the owner of a team. Second, he's a millionairre ten times over. Third, there is a HUGE rivalry between the Titans and the Bills from a long, long time ago. I wrote the following "comment"(read e-mail) at nfl.com yesterday after reading the story on ESPN:

Dear NFL and Roger Goodell in particular,

On behalf of American NFL fans, I would just like to say: F off and die you miserable piece of s!!!!

Sincerely Yours, Peter D. Nadreau

Roger Goodell has brought his brand of Naziism to the NFL. He ruining a great sport. NASCAR used to have me as a fan until they too, sold their souls for the almighty dollar. I think it's time Americans stood for something and boycott the NFL until this fining-for-everything bulls*** stops. Unfortunetely, Americans are very weaked minded and nobody has the balls to boycott them.

I was thinking about this the other day. Supposedly, all the money that players, coaches, and owners get fined goes to charity. I'm thinking that these charities are kicking back some of that money to Roger Goodell. Since congress holds hearings now and then on anti-trust infractions, I hope they have Goodell investigated.

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arinoman Nov. 18, 2009 @ 10:55 a.m.

I read once that being raped is the fantasy that most white women think of when they be masturbating. Having sex with a well endowed blackman is #2. So I think if you split that 300 number in two you will get the more likely fantasy that the woman is having that is causing all that shakin' and bakin'. Dont need no plastic baggie for that meat.

Rino Democracy in America? Its called apartheid.

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KarenBP Nov. 18, 2009 @ 10:57 a.m.

Fining Ochocinco for the $1 bill thing was really over the top. i understand not wanting NFLers to keep doing this sort of thing on a regular basis but that was really ridiculous. $20,000 for being funny?

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PistolPete Nov. 18, 2009 @ 11:07 a.m.

Same thing happened with a Charger player this past sunday. He was flagged for getting down on one knee and "proposing" to a cheerleader with the football. I'm sure he'll get fined for that as well.

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arinoman Nov. 18, 2009 @ 11:07 a.m.

KarenBP, even you can see why they are doing it. Most of the time its done against the black players and their 'gansta' like moves and all the here how. What do they think we're watching, the Lawrence Welk show? I guess so. Dont wanna see any black folk whuppnig it all up on national TV. Isn't that why they created "Soul Train" in the first place?

Rino Flipping the bird at Pistolepete. How much you gonna fine me Josh?

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PistolPete Nov. 18, 2009 @ 12:41 p.m.

This ain't about me, rino. It's about you. Like I said before, the more you blabber on about how superior your race is, the tight that nosse gets that I handed you the other day. Your words will hang you faster than a slave owner ever would.

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Duhbya Nov. 18, 2009 @ 2:53 p.m.

"For Christmas I gave her salt and pepper shakers".

What?? No cumin??

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Josh Board Nov. 18, 2009 @ 3:04 p.m.

Good point, D.

I agree that the dollar bill and fining Chad Johnson (sorry, I can't call that dope Ochocinco. Unless he puts out a rap album and uses that as his handle)...maybe be a bit excessive. But ya know what? Chad has a history of doing stupid stuff. When you have that history, you get fined for EVERY little thing. Remember that big dope Bill Laimbeer for the Pistons? Same thing with him. He played dirty, so...even when he set a regular pick, sometimes refs blew the whistle.

Also, though...as cute as that gimmick was, handing a dollar bill to a ref, when the NBA just came out of a big scandal involving a ref that was paid off, I'm guessing they're trying to make a point that that isn't even a joking matter. So, a fine was definitely in order.

Pete, you are completely wrong. For the owner of a sports team to flip off a crowd (and multiple times) is waaaaay out of line. He should not only receive a fine, but be told that if anything like that happens again, he'll be fined $500,000.

Flipping off fans? And, when your team is winning? A writer in the Union Tribune this morning said it best. "What would he have done if they lost?"

There are children at games. Sports is supposed to be something a family can enjoy together. And you have 85 year old owners shooting the bird at fans? No. That's just insane, and I don't know how you don't see that PP.

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KarenBP Nov. 18, 2009 @ 3:04 p.m.

Legedu Naanee... yeah, i wonder what he'll be fined for his fake proposal to "Nicole" the cheerleader...

Bring back Morganna!!!

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KarenBP Nov. 18, 2009 @ 3:05 p.m.

For all you young'ns who don't know Morganna, read up:

At least MLB has (had?) a sense of humor!

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PistolPete Nov. 18, 2009 @ 3:10 p.m.

LMAO! @ Josh's fake sypathy for all the poor children. Give me a break Josh! In today's world, flipping off a child is par for the course and G-rated as well.

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Josh Board Nov. 18, 2009 @ 4:32 p.m.

Karen, I had completely forgotten about Morganna. I'll never forget her running to the sidelines to kiss Frank Laden, that heavy coach of the Utah Jazz. And an announcer said "It looks like she smuggled a few basketballs in her shirt." I'm guessing HE got fined for saying that.

PP, that's one thing I'm hardcore about. The children (said in my best Michael Jackson voice). Seriously, though...it's not that I think a kid will be scarred by seeing the middle finger. It's just the point of it.

Do you want to be at Disneyland, and Walt Disney is flipping off someone? (back when he was alive). It's just not a very smart way to run a business.

Regarding the Charger, handing the woman the football as if it were a diamond ring...that's not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, but really...don't these players want to act like they've been there before? When I play basketball, I don't jump up and down and throw my hands in the air when I score a basket. I just run back down the court, ready to play defense (well...I never really "play" defense, as my friends would complain...)

You actually look cooler when you score a touchdown, and move on to the next play. Without the goofy ball celebrations.

I mean, if Tela Tequilla wins her civil lawsuit against Shawn Merriman, are the attorneys going to do the "ligths out" dance in the court room? And if so, will the judge find them in contempt. Or will he spike is gavel to the ground, as if it's a pigskin.

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redsoxfan Nov. 18, 2009 @ 11:26 p.m.

Prime example of that, Josh, is Ladanian Tomlinson....the man's a pro...every time he scores, he just hands the ball back to the ref and heads to the sidelines...like he's been there before. And it's not just restricted to the offense...the same goes for defenders like defensive lineman when they sack the QB and go into some dance or routine. I mean c'mon, isn't that your job? Isn't that what you get paid to do?

Oh, and KarenBP, I miss Morganna and MLB doen't have a sense of humor anymore. Have you seen Bud Selig's face? Does that look like a man with a sense of humor? :-)

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Josh Board Nov. 19, 2009 @ 1:07 a.m.

Well, LT has gotten a little different over the years (maybe as it becomes increasingly difficult for him to get into the end zone). I see him yell and stick his arms out. Not that that's a crazy celebration, but it's a lot different than the old LT of just handing the ball to the ref or whatever.

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KarenBP Nov. 19, 2009 @ 1:33 a.m.

redsoxfan, laughs yeah, you're right about Selig. Bowie Kuhn was worse though - talk about a guy who looked like death warmed over... i think ol' Bowie was in charge during the time Morganna was in her heyday, circa mid 1970s... and early '80s...

Maybe that was before your time...

Anyway, i think we need to find someone to become the new Morganna, the Morganna of the 2000s...

Madonna? She shares some of the same letters in her one-name first name there. Pam Anderson would be good... but probably not bright enough to do the deeds necessary.

i'd take the job but truthfully... i'd just want to go kissing on Barry Zito all the time... oh yeah, well never mind...

MLB really needs a good kick in the proverbial arse. It's SO boring.

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kjginsandiego Nov. 19, 2009 @ 3:47 p.m.

Back to the 300 orgasms! Did the sound of the machine cause these orgasms as you have implyed? Or is it possible that she may have been straddling the machine?

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Josh Board Nov. 19, 2009 @ 4:01 p.m.

Good point. I wonder what OSHA would say about women straddling the machines.

And if it were the sound of the machines, what happens at home when it's garbage day? Look out!!

Ya know, I heard the Proclaimers song "500 Miles" today (by the way, that band has a few really, really good CDs). And, I thought of Weird Al and how he could work this story into that song.

(chorus) Now I would walk 500 miles/For a woman that has 300 orgasms/And I would fall down, at her bedroom door.

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kjginsandiego Nov. 19, 2009 @ 4:22 p.m.

I'm a bit interested in the sneezing problem. Or is that really a problem?

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Josh Board Nov. 19, 2009 @ 4:22 p.m.

I just thought about something, KJG. Are you a woman or a man? I'm asking for purely scientific reasons....hehehehhe. Because, if you are a woman, I'm wondering if you ask because your follow up question will be "what kind of machines are these, and are there any biscuit factors in the immediate area."

I also wonder...if she quit her job because of this, and in the future fills out a job application. They always have that question "why did you quit your last job?" if she answers, she's either going to get the job immediately. Or not even be considered (depending on the sex of the boss). And who knows how she'll answer the question "What position would you prefer?"

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Josh Board Nov. 19, 2009 @ 7:06 p.m.

It doesn't disappoint. I see where you're headed.

You want to know JUST WHAT MACHINES will drive women to this point. It's great planning, really.

Some people use candles in their bedroom, incents for others. You want the sounds of machines!

Since I get migraines once in a while, my luck would be getting the woman there, and the machines turning her on, and giving me a headache.

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PistolPete Nov. 19, 2009 @ 8:25 p.m.

Sorry Josh but that was f*in' hilarious!sings Incents and Peppermints

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Josh Board Nov. 20, 2009 @ 12:59 a.m.

Hey...I was thinking about this woman tonight. Not for any perverted reason, but a thought just occured to me. I would NEVER recommend any woman get into the porn industry. And, I'd tell Carrie Prejean (or whatever her name is), to get out of it! But, this woman might be a good candidate to go into that industry. If she's so concerned with a man keeping up with her...I'm guessing she wouldn't have to worry about that with a career choice like that.

Of course, she's British. Not sure what her teeth look like.

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RobertScorpio Nov. 20, 2009 @ 1:08 a.m.

Some guys are into women with no teeth. Not sure why that is, but I have heard of it. Makes my mind spin thinking of the possibilities!

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Josh Board Nov. 20, 2009 @ 1:27 a.m.

Well, I guess then...a woman with no teeth would get the same recommendation regarding a career in that field, as the 300 woman.

And hey...don't porn films like to use titles from real movies, changed slightly? Well, "300" wouldn't need to be changed.

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PistolPete Nov. 20, 2009 @ 8:34 a.m.

It's statted that there are over 5,000 sexual fetishes for men and women. Have a chick give you a gumjob is just one. :-D

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Josh Board Nov. 20, 2009 @ 9:59 a.m.

That sounds rather....delicious.

Or perhaps, like some cheesy Burt Reynolds movie from the 70s.

Gumjob Rally.

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