Blogs | Daily Crasher
Take Me Out to the Dentist
By Josh Board | Posted November 3, 2009, 1:49 a.m.
My friend Heather told a story about taking the extra candy her kid got trick-or-treating, and how some Halloween fairy visited her child in the night and left her a toy. I think it was My Favorite Pony or something.
That’s a great scam. The adult gets some candy and can feel good about it, since really…does a child need all those goodies?
If my parents would’ve told me as a youngster about a Halloween fairy, I would’ve just pictured some ugly witch. I would’ve never been able to fall asleep, knowing her wart-filled hand was reaching under my pillow.
I have no shame when I go over to friends houses after Halloween. If I see a big bowl of their kids candy, I’ll camp out near it. They’ll always offer me a piece, which I immediately refuse. They insist, saying they don’t want their kid having that much. And, if the child is anywhere insight, I refuse. I’m not stupid. I don’t want that kid hating me, or keying my car. If the child isn’t around, he/she is going to return home to find less Kit Kats and Sweettarts.
And I can justify the candy theft, as both the parents offering it up and helping prevent cavities.
Apparently, this country doesn’t care about the teeth of our military folks. I saw there was a Candy Buy Back program involving local dentists. Children could sell their candy for $1 a pound to them, and they’d ship it overseas to the soldiers.
If I was a kid that walked two blocks to get a few Bit O Honeys and stale lollipops, I’m gonna be asking for more than a buck a pound.
And speaking of how much you’d spend for various things…as I watched a great Monday Night Football game with the Drew Brees and the Saints, I saw that the Phillies pulled out another game against the Yanks. And it reminded me of a story from a few days ago.
A woman in Philadelphia was charged with offering sex for World Series tickets. Her lawyer issued a statement that she was “a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.” Well, it might be more than just a fever she catches, if she keeps putting ads like that on Craigslist.
She merely dropped double entendres (are there single entendres?) in her ad, but the police tried a sting on this 43-year-old buxom blonde. And sure enough, she offered up sexual favors.
People might ask why this is illegal. Well, it's prostitution.
I’m more curious as to her logic. She said her husband is a huge fan and she wanted to surprise him. Yeah, I’m guessing you could be the biggest fan of a sports team. The last thing you want is to come home and see your wife cheating on you with the Philly Phanatic.
In the unfunny Will Ferrel movie Semi-Pro had a bizarre scene in which Woody Harrelson had an affair with a woman whose husband was such a big fan of the team, he didn’t mind.
It’s 2:00 a.m., but in my best Harry Carey/Weird Al style, here’s a song just for this blog:
Take me to the World Series/ Take me to get rid of this disease.
Buy me some peanuts and you know what I’ll jack.... My husband won’t want me to ever come back!
I’ll rub your foot, foot, foot and more – Please. If you have tickets, I’ll feel no shame.
For it’s one, two, three times tonight/ From this old, blonde dame.
I've heard of a player being traded in the old days for a bat and a couple balls - seems like she was just offering to take the same trade for a ticket.
By rickeysays 2:10 a.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
Kevin Towers once traded minor league back-up cather Sean Mulligan to the Cleveland Indians organization for a used treadmill.
By refriedgringo 2:18 a.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
I've heard of minor league players being traded for equipment. That's gotta hurt.
As a kid, I remember reading about the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar trade with the Bucks. They traded 9 players for him, and the Lakers still got the better end of things.
Anyway, I'm not saying prostitution should be illegal (heck, since it is, probably makes Petes love life a lot more difficult). But as long as it is, you can't post ads like this or the cops will try and bust ya.
By JoshBoard 8:47 a.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
Funny Josh! I've never used a prostitute. The law is very vague in relation to the defined term:prostitution. 99.99% of the time, it's for money. We need to just legalize whoring anyhow. It's not like anyone going to or becoming a prostitute really cares about the law.
By PistolPete 11:40 a.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
i'm singin' that tune now.
Perfect.
And i <3 candy, just to be fair.
What are you faves?
My top 5 are:
Whatchamacallit
Twix (caramel, not peanut butter)
Rolos
Milky Way
Reese's Fast Break
and i really miss the old Marathon bars...
do you remember them?
They were long braids of chocolate-covered caramel.
i once had an online fling with a guy masquerading as the Phillie Phanatic. But that's another story.
i love the 43-year-old ... being one myself... tho not particularly buxom nor blonde... she did have a "Jewish" name though... something similar to John Moores' ex-wife's gyno's name...
Dang, giving Jewish women a bad name. As if Monica Lewinsky didn't cause us enough trouble!!!!!
By KarenBP 6:59 p.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
How did Monica Lewinsky give the Jews a bad name? Wouldn't it have been Clinton and Linda Tripp that did that? She was young, and an intern.
Re: the candy.
Your top 5 are:
Whatchamacallit (DO THEY STILL MAKE THOSE? haven't seen one in 20 years)
Twix (caramel, not peanut butter). IN MY TOP 5, easily.
Rolos ...THESE TASTE OKAY, but stick to your teeth. Not worth the trouble to pick them out.
Milky Way. THEY AREN'T HORRIBLE...but probably my top 50, they make it. Maybe.
Reese's Fast Break. TO ME, a fast break is something done in basketball. Never heard of this. But yeah, the Reese Peanut Butter Cups rule.
and i really miss the old Marathon bars...NO CLUE what this is.
My Top 5:
Twix, Snickers, Mr. Goodbar, Kit Kat, Nestle Crunch.
Worst candy: Bit O Honey, Hot Tamales, and...what is the name of that candy bar that starts with an "R". Something like "regal" but I know that isn't it. They are toffee flavored and just disgusting.
By JoshBoard 10:02 p.m., Nov 3, 2009 > Report it
Ew, Bit o Honey. So with you. Riesen is what you're talkin' about. Ugh. MARATHON bars were freakin' ridiculous if you love caramel. And you can tell i do. i'm a Kit Kat fan also. Good taste. And yes, they still make Whatchamacallit. Hell yeah.
By KarenBP 12:15 a.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
I love the dark chocolate (and the double entendre).
By rickeysays 12:45 a.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
Skor bars FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By PistolPete 1:14 a.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
http://www.oldtimecandy.com/curly-wurly.htm
http://www.victoryseeds.com/candystore/confectioners/news/news_marathon_bar.htm
http://www.typetive.com/candyblog/item/i_miss_marathon/
I wish I could find Charleston Chews out here. I miss those the most.
By PistolPete 1:21 a.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
No, not Reisen. Isn't that a poison or somethin'? Skor, that's the one. I took a bite into one, and swear, I almost barfed.
Adam Carolla once said on his radio show, that he could never find Charleston Chews either. I'm not big into that taffy stuff.
By JoshBoard 1:43 a.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
Candy update: Someone today had a bowl of these things called Reese Sticks. These were amazing. They were waffer things, so they were like Kit Kats, but with the Reese peanut butter flavor. So part of me loves these. But it confused my palate. I want to taste chocolate, or vanilla (like those waffer cookies). But as confused as my palate was...it didn't stop me from eating 6 of them.
By JoshBoard 6:05 p.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
Charlston Chews are still out there!!!!!! i freeze 'em!
By KarenBP 8:43 p.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
I LOVED freezing mine as a kid. :-D Especially the strawberry ones.
By PistolPete 9:06 p.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
Freezing them? You guys are really trying to tick off your dentist, aren't you?
What about Abba zabbas? I never tried one, but loved the design/logo.
By JoshBoard 9:39 p.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
I only see the dentist if a tooth needs to be pulled and Abba Zabbas are ok. Not bad, not good.
By PistolPete 9:50 p.m., Nov 4, 2009 > Report it
Pistol...them teeth need to go in for cleanings twice a year.
DENTIST UPDATE: The San Diego County Dental Society, according to a report in the U-T, got 80 pounds from one dental office alone (Dr. Sabine Purps in Mission Hills).
Until 6 p.m. tonight, some dentist offices are collecting candy (although, they are apparently limiting this, or should I say "putting a cap on it"... when one kid almost broke his back bringing in 14 pounds).
By JoshBoard 4:56 p.m., Nov 5, 2009 > Report it
Cleanings? I don't even brush my teeth. My breath either smells like Marlboros,cheap beer or just plain bed breath. :-D
By PistolPete 9:13 p.m., Nov 5, 2009 > Report it
A little birdie whispered this in my ear:
There is a place called The Candy Shoppe on El Cajon Blvd, which sells all kinds of cool retro candy-European chocolate bars like Violet Crumbles (Irish, I think?), etc.-but also retro American candy. Fun stuff, though some of it is understandably stale.
By PistolPete 9:14 a.m., Nov 6, 2009 > Report it