Liz Swain 4:24 p.m., May 24
Furious George -- Chimps Gone Wild!
You know how you laugh at something you shouldn't? A person might walk into a glass door they didn't notice was shut, and they're visibly hurt. But you laugh.
I had one of those moments when I was heading home from basketball, and heard the 911 call from the lady with Travis the chimp, who attacked the neighbor. She had this Jersey accent as she was crying and screaming. And just the idea that a 911 operator is listening to someone say "a chimp just ate my friend."
It is obviously a horrible tragedy, but it's just hard for me to have sympathy for those involved.
I remember a few years back someone that had raised a gorilla or some kind of monkey...and he went to visit it at the place that was taking care of it. The animal promptly ripped his testicles out.
At that point, anyone that owned a monkey should've gotten rid of it. Except for maybe Michael Jackson. After all, he probably doesn't have to worry about anything like that being ripped from him.
One guy was making the shows today. He had his face eaten by a chimp. They made this nose that sticks to his face with magnets. Again, I thought of Michael Jackson.
And of all the fun things you could do with a detachable nose. Your grandmother makes an apple pie, and you can pull it off and move it over the pie and say how delicious it smells. The possibilities are endless.
So, this chimp Travis went and turned Travis Bickle on everyone, huh? And, the reports are all saying how surprised everyone is, because this chimp had done commercials. So what?
There was an actor that tried to kill a woman in San Marcos recently. It doesn't matter what someone does...especially animals. Even if they are potty trained, and eat at the table.
I heard that the woman was concerned with him acting weird, so she laced his tea with Xanax. Good move.
I also like the move where you call a neighbor for help with your surly chimp. I mean, asking a neighbor to help you move a couch is one thing, or to borrow sugar. Not for you to get your 200 pound animal in check.
Ya know...when I did my Oscar picks the other day, I was pleasantly surprised to see Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, didn't get a single nomination.
I'm now thinking about all those movies he did in the 70s, with Geoffrey Lewis (Juliette's dad), and that lovable chimp Clyde, who would punch cops and motorcycle gangs, without differentiating between the two.
He would also crack open a beer and down it with Clint. Not unlike Travis, who apparently sipped wine at the table.
I guess now he'll be sipping wine at that great big zoo in the sky...or, wait. The chimp murdered someone. Does that mean he goes to hell? Surely an animal going on instinct doesn't belong in hell.
Oh, it's all so confusing.