Matthew Craig Burke 11 a.m., July 31
- Community Blog
- Daily Crasher
Spit Happens (and so do chimp attacks)
A few days ago I read a story in the paper about that chimp owner and how she wasn’t going to be charged in the attack that mauled her friend.
The “friend” appeared on Oprah. I didn’t see it, but heard it was hard to take. The woman is blind, and missing most of her face and hands (on a side note: How awkward would that have been if that was an episode where Oprah gives the audience cars or something?)
The authorities said that there wasn’t evidence that the chimp owner had been deliberately reckless in handling the animal. To which I said – huh??!!
She let the thing drink alcohol, and run around the house. The animal had shown signs of violence previously towards guests, and she did nothing. Instead, when the animal was out of control, she called her neighbor to come help her.
I have a few friends with pit bulls. The day they call me when the animal is running around the house attacking everything…well, it’ll probably end the friendship. Mostly because they won’t take kindly to me laughing before hanging up on ‘em.
It’s just one more reason the legal system is so bizarre. At least none of this will matter in the civil suit.
Here in California, I read about a few interesting cases; ones that will be prosecuted by authorities.
There was a man in San Fernando who stole a nun’s purse at a supermarket. He was caught on surveillance video. The man approached the nun (in full habit, by the way) as she was putting her groceries away. He asked where he could get food for his sister and children. As they talked, the guy grabbed the purse from the shopping cart and jumped into a minivan driven by someone else. I’m guessing he’s not religious.
My friend has a small nun with boxing gloves that throws punches. I’m guessing if this guy is caught, a real life version of that might take place.
In Thousand Oaks, a 39-year-old man had been arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor child annoyance. I never knew there was such a charge. If I did, I would’ve reported my older brother when I was 10.
And, how was this man “annoying” children?
He paid a teenager $31 to spit in his face. Geez…who wouldn’t do that for 30 bucks?
The best part is the police said they arrested Charles Hersel in a “sting operation” at a mall.
I picture a few scenarios here; both make me laugh.
One has Chris Hanson walking out with a plate of cookies. As the guy is eating one, and spitting, Hanson casually asks “What’s wrong with that cookie? Do you not like oatmeal raisin?”
Charles: No. I just like spitting.
Hanson: But you’re spitting out a cookie. A cookie that my segment producer spent hours making. But we’ll get to that in a minute. It says here, that you approached a mother in the mall, pushing her baby in a stroller. All because he was wearing a bib that said ‘Spit Happens’. Is this true?
Charles: No. That wasn’t me. I approached the woman wearing the shirt that said “These are real.”
The other scenario that pops into mind, involves what was needed in the sting. Did they send undercover agents into the mall that just spit continuously? Maybe they were wearing baseball uniforms instead of police uniforms. After all, a baseball player spitting (and grabbing his crotch) is certainly more believable.
Hersel also paid students to yell profanities at him. Others were paid to slap him the face.
I just wonder what will happen if he gets locked up. His cell mate Bubba would say, “What you in for?!”
Charles: Uh…well…I’m not gonna tell you.
Bubba: You’re gonna do anything I say!
Charles: And if I don’t? What would you do about it? Slap me? Spit on me. Ha! I bet you don’t have the guts!
(at this point, Charles slowly leans his chin forward, so Bubba gets a better shot)
More like this:
- Don't Box Me In -- Kids and Animals Do the Darndest Things — Oct. 7, 2009
- C is for Cookie — March 10, 2009
- Furious George -- Chimps Gone Wild! — Feb. 18, 2009
- Don't Ask, Just Pay — Aug. 20, 2008
- Good Job, Dog — April 19, 2007