Why is it okay to make fun of certain races, but others are off-limits?

I was at House of Blues tonight watching Louis XIV and Transfer (two great local bands). Between sets, a DJ was playing old skool hip-hop. You know the tunes...Tone Loc, down with OPP, cars that go boom, etc. Tina said …

How clerks greet customers, and if it's always necessary.

I went into a Hallmark. The second I walked in, a lady in her 40s, from the other end of the store, yells "Hello sir, how are you?" I didn't look up for a few seconds, until it dawned on …

From a handlebar mustache, to a short one that looks like Hitler. What will people think?

I shaved off my beard, but kept this long, insane mustache for some Halloween parties. I was going as Sonny Bono, with my date going as Cher. I decided after having this handlebar mustache from hell, that I would try …

With the recent fires, will kids be trick or treating this year?

About a year ago, I moved into this house in San Marcos. It's up on a really steep hill in a cul-de-sac. I bought a few bags of candy for the kids. I'm never home on Halloween, but like to …

When football players like Tom Brady resort to trick plays and cheating, to win games.

I always hate when a great sports team gives you reasons to hate them. As a kid in the 70s, you could watch the Steelers, or Lakers, and like every player on that squad. Same with the Cowboys. But in …

A monkey attack in India; and the best monkey joke you'll ever hear.

My friend Judy is fascinated by funny newspaper headlines. She emails me a bunch each day from the L.A. Times. I think tonights was "Rockies Horror Show" or something to that affect. I'm more fascinated by funny news stories. Well, …

Some of my observations on the fires and how they're reported.

Well, it used to be when I would forget and leave my sunroof open on my car, it always rained. Murphy's Law. I washed my car the day before the fires, and the next day it was covered in ash. …

The new documentary on a child artist, and other thoughts on abstract paintings.

I've argued with friends over abstract art. I have no problem if that's your thing and you like it. But don't try to analyze it. And don't tell me it takes talent to create. If I'm sitting in Carl's Jr …

Fires in the city bring out the best...and worst...in people.

So, I'm looking at the home I just moved into less than a year ago. It's in San Marcos, where one of the fires is. The pool looks safe. The back deck is old wood, that looks like it's just …

Making bets with friends, and how it turns out.

I have a friend that's a weasle. Well, a few that are. One is a lawyer in L.A. 'Nuff said. The other guy always tries to make bets with us, when he knows the outcome. I remember the first time …

A recent list of the worst songwriters of all-time, and why lists can never get it right.

Why are lists so poorly done? Always. The top 100 boxers of all-time, when it came out recently, was perhaps the only list that got it right. Movie lists can generally do a decent job. When AFI does the best …

Britney Spears latest news item...running over a photographers foot. And why, for once, she was right.

I witnessed the paparazzi following Britney Spears around (you can read about it if you search the older Crashers). But, when I see it on shows like TMZ last night, it makes me realize just how ridiculous it all is. …

A shooting in Chula Vista. The guy wasn't hurt by gunfire, but by killing his diet.

So, I'm watching Letterman, and trying to finish the Thursday Union-Tribune. I get to the section with short crime stories. They're usually the same ol' thing. Someone got carjacked. A 7-11 was robbed, etc. But this news story seemed so …

The most recent shark attack in Hawaii, and other attacks that have occured while kayaking.

More shark stuff. On the news, a woman was kayaking. I believe in Australia. A great white circled her, before going right at her and knocking her out of the thing. She ended up smacking it on the mouth (women …

The latest George Clooney, older classics, and other film stuff.

I saw the movie Michael Clayton tonight. The latest George Clooney flick. It's strange, the person that wrote the screenplay apparently wrote Dolores Claiborne (an amazing movie, adapted from a Stephen King book). It makes me wonder...when this cat writes …

My fear of sharks.

When I have CNN on, and hear the word "shark" I run to the TV. I'm always expecting to see someone that's half eaten, or at least missing a knee cap. But the story yesterday was six dudes in Florida …

Watching sporting events at restaurants, and dealing with drunken idiots.

I've noticed when I meet friends at sports bars and restaurants for the Sunday games, it's sometimes fun. Other times, disasterous. My buddy had to wear his Cowboys jersey. Which means we had to deal with hecklers at the other …

Why scenes are deleted in movies and DVDs.

Someone needs to explain some things about movie making to me. I happened to drive by Hollywood Video on Sports Arena, when going to a party. They were selling everything, so I went in and bought 10 DVDs. Now, I …

What you should do during a fender bender, and listening to someone that tries to correct your bad driving habits.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of dealing with it. But more so, I'm tired of being in the car with somebody that's a bad driver. And, I simply try to point out the error of their ways, and they …

Auctions that have unusual items from Elvis and Ozzy.

Well, as a collector of music memorabilia, I'm always interested when stuff comes on the market. I laughed, though, when I heard about Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne selling furniture and art from their homes in Beverly Hills, Malibu, and England …

Fear of heights and dangerous hobbies discussed.

My friend and I have had a debate for years. Since we're both afraid of heights, he likes to say we have an "unreasonable fear". I say...it's very reasonable. I mean, I can go into a skyscraper and look out …

The concluding drama of life with my beard.

In the final series on my beard, I'm not going to talk about people like Osama, Hemmingway, and Lincoln -- that all had beards. I'm going to talk instead, about my heightened senses. My night vision increased dramatically. I could …

The beard saga continues....

I walked over to grab a sandwich at Subway. And, unlike that Jared who lost weight walking there, my facial hair stayed put. I didn't lose a single strand. As I was walking in, a person handed me their change. …

I talk about what it's like growing a beard.

Since I've lost some weight, a few people have asked if I would write a story like the one that recently graced the cover of the Reader. Well, I told them I had a better idea. We've already seen the …

People that have normal names, with weird spellings.

I sent an email to my moms cousin Karyn. She was surprised I spelled her name correctly. It then reminded me of a party I wrote about years ago. The woman was dating a guy from MTVs Jackass. And, when …

Cops in the news using pepper spray and tasers.

So, the last few weeks, I've seen lots of cops tasering people and hitting them with pepper spray. And ya know what? I love it. I can't get enough of it. The most recent was yesterday. A 15-year-old girl. And, …

Review of Michelle Shocked CD and concert.

...at folky punk Michelle Shocked concert the other night. Other fans will be shocked that she released a gospel CD. Aside from a few popular covers (Billie Holiday, the Band), there’s a few covers of Sister Rosetta Tharpe. I went …

Tipping waitresses

Why is tipping such a weird thing for everyone? When I'm with a large group of friends and the bill comes, everyone chips in for what they bought. But not the tip or tax, and the bill is always short. …

Using quotes and other punctuation

There's a grad student I read about that has a website devoted to people that use "unnecessary question marks" in writing. She has photos of things like a restaurant that has "lunch" and "dinner" with quotes like that. Not only …

Competitiveness in sports, and heart attacks.

Someone needs to explain to me, human nature in regard to competitiveness. I just don't get it. I've been playing racquetball with a guy for 20 years. He has this subtle way of being competitive. For example, if he hits …

The Carls Jr. commercial, Wendy's problems, and advertising.

Well, someone posted that the Carls Jr. commercial is still running. It is. But, if you notice carefully, the teacher has been edited out, which was the source of the complaints. Carls scored big. They got all kinds of press …