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At a retreat in Ramona recently, I met two new friends. At the top of a nearby mountain stood a large white cross, so we decided to hike up the path to it. All three of us are women in long-term recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction, and we told each other some of our “war stories” as we ascended.

One of the women, I’ll call her Carole, was yakking on and on about her repeated attempts to get clean and sober. She claimed she had been in more than 20 different facilities, rehabs, sober livings, recovery homes and detoxes. Carole described her former attitude and unwillingness to apply suggested avenues for change. She related her tales about a number of failed dysfunctional relationships with various men. We listened and walked as the trail wound around the back of the mountain, up a rocky path past grasses and low shrubs.

As we reached the top of the trail, the view was spectacular. I was used to seeing Ramona from the 67 to the 78/79, keeping an eye out for speed traps, and not much else. But Ramona has lakes and ranches and communities and wilderness which stretched for miles in every direction. I was snapping photographs when our other hiker, I’ll call her Ellen, spoke up. After listening to Carole’s tragic stories, I was glad to hear from someone else.

“Well, you think that’s something, let me tell you my experience. In early recovery I was standing outside an NA meeting when this gorgeous man rode up on his Harley. I was immediately interested, and as he got off that bike I thought to myself: ‘Man! He is fine! The only thing that would make this better is if he has long hair!’ And as he undid the strap from under his chin and grabbed that helmet off his head...”

“He UNFURLED his hair!” Carole interrupted.

Ellen looked at us and laughed. “You betcha! Of course I got to know him and we romped around together until he left town. We wrote letters to each other for a while. One day he told me that he lost his job. In order to find another he decided to CUT HIS HAIR.”

She was quiet then, pausing for effect. I took a deep breath and waited. I noticed the wind was picking up, cooling the air around us.

“So what’d ya do?” Carole took the bait.

“I wrote back to him and told him since he sold out to the establishment I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. I had fallen in love with him because of his hair and then he went and CUT IT OFF!”

Thinking of my own history with men, I kept quiet.

Ellen continued. “Years later, when I was writing my personal inventory, I realized what I had done. I was being judgmental, superficial and narrow-minded. And I had faulted him for conforming to society’s standards at the time! I think I threw away the best man I ever met, all because of a haircut.”

This time, Carole was quiet.

“Come on, let’s go. We’ll be late for lunch.” We took one last look around and headed back down the trail.

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Comments

Tallsharon July 29, 2011 @ 3:07 p.m.

I think we've all fallen for 1. Hair 2. musicians and artists 3. The p word (guys with potential) 4. Handsome boys with earrings 5. Good dancers 6. Men who open doors and 6. The nice ones after we've left them behind :)

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SurfPuppy619 July 29, 2011 @ 4:30 p.m.

. She related her tales about a number of failed dysfunctional relationships with various [wo]men

No one can top me or my relationshsips for disfunction.

I put the FUN in disFUNction.

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Laurin July 30, 2011 @ 6:04 p.m.

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Laurin Aug. 1, 2011 @ 9:34 a.m.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 1, 2011 @ 4:37 p.m.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 1, 2011 @ 7:11 p.m.

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Twister July 29, 2011 @ 6:29 p.m.

Women's instincts are good; they run into trouble when they get fooled by IMAGES.

STRENGTH and COURAGE are good qualities in evaluating a potential mate, and even DOMINANCE is a good quality, but when a woman confuses the superficial advertising that emphasizes ONLY the image while ignoring the SUBSTANCE, and confuses BRUTALITY with courage, strength, and dominance, she is simply falling for an elaborate act--put on by insecure, frustrated, desperate, clinging mama's boys with hogs and pick-up lines who will abuse you rather than infuse you. You want a man who will DIE for you, not a boy who will CRY for you--he will just move on when you dump him. And you shouldn't be bemoaning the "loss" of some metrosexual "hunk" who dropped you either. You dodged a bullet!

If women fell back upon their core instincts and opened themselves up to their real selves, they would no longer find superficial symbolism attractive--in men, OR in themselves.

Now, I'll grant you this--real men are in short supply. The superficial culture that has grown up around the worship of the symbolism itself, leaving most women incapable of knowing a real man when they see one, and, most important, knowing how to be a REAL WOMAN rather than some Barbie-Doll imitation means that real men are unlikely to be interested.

. . . continued . . .

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Twister July 29, 2011 @ 6:38 p.m.

. . . continued . . .

And let's get rid of another old wives' tale: Men who don't "take" you on the first "date" (real men don't actually like "dates") aren't necessarily "queer," they many just be giving you some space--and they may be giving themselves some space--they may be horny, but they may not be ready to get sucked into yet another vortex. Experienced men are different from insecure boys. But you CAN expect them to level with you--and they like women who will level with them. They tend to like their women plain but enthusiastic about life, not merely careless, eager, dependent opportunists.

STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE AND BE YOUR OWN TRUE SELF. Off with the pretenses, and stop finding yet another thing to whine about. BE a REAL woman! THEN you'll start attracting men of substance. Your PHYSICAL appearance doesn't matter nearly as much as you think it does. You can be "ugly," you can be fat (well, somewhat fat), you can be flat--but as long as you are healthy and honest (mentally healthy), real men will find you attractive. And no, age doesn't matter either, if you have the other qualities.

Women are often offended when REAL men are not interested right away. There may be a thousand reasons for that that have nothing to do with you. Isn't that the way you are? So get over it. Stop faking, and start f^@#!ng--but ONLY when you're truly ready. That might be right away, or it might be much later. But when it happens, throw yourself into it. And you will then have to literally start turning real men down--beating them off with a stick.

But stop trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and stop worrying about how much you resemble some brainless boob. There's a lot of them out there, and just keep shuckin' 'em off when they don't measure up--in ANY sense of the word.

Don't walk away, RUN away--from phony, manipulative boob-worshipers and that kind of male trash (there may be something to not getting enough titty as a baby, but hell, I don't know and I don't care).

But most of all, gawd-DAMN the soap operas--may I never hear of soap operas again! In Val-speak: "Gag me with a spoon!!!" Or, if that's your preference, spend the rest of your life drenched in empty fantasy.

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nan shartel July 30, 2011 @ 6:57 p.m.

i have to admit i love a long haired lad

~~swooning just thinking about it~~

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 1, 2011 @ 7:14 p.m.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 1, 2011 @ 7:12 p.m.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 1, 2011 @ 7:34 p.m.

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SurfPuppy619 Aug. 2, 2011 @ 8:36 a.m.

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Twister Aug. 2, 2011 @ 3:37 p.m.

Those who had any comments relating to my posts which were removed by the administrators should feel free to send them to me directly.

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