Don Bauder 7:30 p.m., Oct. 24
I found an 8mm film labeled MURDERS in my garage attic
Day late and a dollar short - story of my life. Just months after Ethan Hawke found some 8mm films belonging to the previous owners of his house that wound up depicting a series of horrific crimes in Sinister...
Ha ha - family hanging out, get it?
...I have to go clean out a makeshift cubby in my garage, an exercise that leads me to discover a box left over from the previous owners. A box that contains this:
Let's just imagine, shall we?
A. Setting the mood with a home version of the Dean Martin spy spoof The Silencers, just the trailer of which features an astonishing amount of sex and violence, sometimes in combination:
It's okay, she was about to stab him in the back.
B. Kodak M28 Instamatic 8mm movie camera, to record the fun.
C. Panasonic audio cassette recorder plus two microphones, to add the miracle of sound to the proceedings.
D. Choke-chain collar. 'Nuff said.
E. Stethoscope, in case you start having too much fun with the choke-chain collar and need to check on your "patient's" contidion.
F. The 8mm fruits of your labors.
G. Pair of small speakers, to add that surround sound effect during playback.
H. Petri dish. I don't wanna know.
I. Alcohol lamp. Alcohol lamps are usually found in biology labs where they do inoculations of bacteria cultures. I still don't wanna know.
What's that you say? I have no business subjecting the detritus of people I don't even know to my lurid, modern imagination? Fine, fine. Let's just zoom in on that top roll of 8mm, shall we?
Ah, yes, the Money Murders.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm renting me an 8mm projector.
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