David Dodd 2:33 a.m., May 19
Kevin Smith Is an Evil Wizard
Your first hint is that his hockey jersey looks much more like a wizard's robe than an actual hockey jersey. Your second hint is body language. Sure, it sounds like he's talking about his upcoming movie-chat show Spoilers, but let's take a closer look, shall we?
"May The Wall Street Journal's Joe Morgenstern feel like his testes are being crushed for his girly complaints against Zack and Miri Make a Porno! Porn is hilarious, dude!"
"May The New York Times' A.O. Scott see his head literally swell to match the size of his gargantuan ego in light of his hack-job on Cop-Out! 'Not altogether incompetent,' my ass!"
"Seriously, this is how big I want The Washington Post's Michael O'Sullivan's prostate to get after what he said about Jersey Girl. Dude is going to wish for a 'gravy of glutinous bathos,' gnome sayin'?"
"Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a thousand grand pianos, falling directly on top of every critic who called my Red State self-distribution ploy a piece bullshit self-propaganda!"
"And now for my greatest trick...I will make you, the audience, believe that it could somehow be enjoyable to watch me and a bunch of regular schmoes yak about Snow White & The Huntsman on Hulu!
My favorite part is where he talks about the audience getting in on the conversation like it's a revolutionary move. Has Kevin Smith ever seen a blog?