Dave Rice 12:38 p.m., May 21
Count Floyd Terrified by Katy Perry in 3-D
Count Floyd here, kids, telling you that next week on Monster Chiller Horror Theatre we have a film so scary that pus will fall in buckets from your eyes! No, not Blood Sucking Monkeys from West Mifflin, PA or 3-D House of Blues, but a genuine bone-chiller: Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3-D!
Oh boy, kids, you don't think Katy Perry is scary? You try lactating fireworks or carting around what amounts to the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station on your chest. And have you seen her terrifying hair color? You don't think getting a dye-job by sticking your head up a Smurf's butt is scary?
The only thing scarier than divorcing Russell Brand is agreeing to marry him in the first place. And if you really want to throw up from fear, check out Katy's lyrics:
"'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth."
You don't think being possessed with an inability to rhyme is scary? This chick actually thinks "boom" rhymes with "moon!"
If you like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus in 3-D just wait until you see Scary Perry! Better yet, strike a blow for independence and see a real movie instead when this opens on the 4th of July.