Don Bauder 4:30 p.m., Oct. 9
Anatomy of a Press Photo: First Look at Johnny Depp as Tonto
"Okay, for about 96% of the world, Depp is Captain Jack Sparrow, end of story. Apparently, the other 4% think he's Tim Burton. Sad, but understandable, given their rate of collaboration."
"Moving on, then. The main thing is that we keep all those positive Jack Sparrow vibes flowing from Pirates to our film. Because without 'em, Depp is not exactly a sure draw."
"Okay, so, what's the first thing about Sparrow? Right, the eyeliner. But Indians didn't wear eyeliner. So, who's got a solution? Johnson? What's that? Indians did wear warpaint? Good call! Eyeliner as warpaint! Like Brandon Lee in The Crow!"
"Good, but we can do better. That's a little too controlled for braves smearing their faces before battle. Gimme the full-on Beyonce, you know?"
"Bingo. And if we steal the whiteface while we're at it, we can avoid the whole "Rock Hudson is not an Indian" effect."
"Now, moving on to the hair. Long is good, and we can keep the beads, of course - Indians love beads, right? Traded Manhattan for beads and all that? But lose the coins and leather straps and dreadlocks - think noble black mane, flowing free in the wind. And gimme a couple of feathers. Just braid 'em right in, the way the kids and Steven Tyler do it."
"What kind of feathers? I dunno, do I have to tell you people everything? How about crow feathers? You know, as long as we're jacking the look? Hell, why not put a whole damn crow on his head? Like his spirit animal or some shit!"
"Perfect. Okay people, good work. Let's shoot it."
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