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"Okay, for about 96% of the world, Depp is Captain Jack Sparrow, end of story. Apparently, the other 4% think he's Tim Burton. Sad, but understandable, given their rate of collaboration."

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"Moving on, then. The main thing is that we keep all those positive Jack Sparrow vibes flowing from Pirates to our film. Because without 'em, Depp is not exactly a sure draw."

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"Okay, so, what's the first thing about Sparrow? Right, the eyeliner. But Indians didn't wear eyeliner. So, who's got a solution? Johnson? What's that? Indians did wear warpaint? Good call! Eyeliner as warpaint! Like Brandon Lee in The Crow!"

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"Good, but we can do better. That's a little too controlled for braves smearing their faces before battle. Gimme the full-on Beyonce, you know?"

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"Bingo. And if we steal the whiteface while we're at it, we can avoid the whole "Rock Hudson is not an Indian" effect."

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"Now, moving on to the hair. Long is good, and we can keep the beads, of course - Indians love beads, right? Traded Manhattan for beads and all that? But lose the coins and leather straps and dreadlocks - think noble black mane, flowing free in the wind. And gimme a couple of feathers. Just braid 'em right in, the way the kids and Steven Tyler do it."

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"What kind of feathers? I dunno, do I have to tell you people everything? How about crow feathers? You know, as long as we're jacking the look? Hell, why not put a whole damn crow on his head? Like his spirit animal or some shit!"

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"Perfect. Okay people, good work. Let's shoot it."

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Comments

dwbat March 8, 2012 @ 3:02 p.m.

Throw in some Edward Tomahawkhands, and we have a winner!

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Joaquin_de_la_Mesa March 8, 2012 @ 3:15 p.m.

Please tell me they're not making a lone ranger movie?

(yes, I'm out of touch.)

CURSE YOU PETER JACKSON.

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dwbat March 8, 2012 @ 5:17 p.m.

Director Gore Verbinski has stated emphatically that this movie will not be a "straight" version. Obviously that approach WOULD bomb. Trust Depp on this one; he KNOWS what he's doing, just like he did with Jack Sparrow (which Disney originally hated until the movie became a giant hit).

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