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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v9mtaMotF4

"Okay, people, listen up. Our star here is Tom Cruise, a man who has long long been dogged by gay rumors and accusations that he suffers from delusions of grandeur connected to his faith in Scientology. Plus, he's...not tall. And on top of all that, his wife just filed for divorce. This trailer is where we rehabilitate the man. Let's get to work.

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"NO IT IS NOT A SECRET SCIENTOLOGY BRAND BURNED INTO HIS FLESH. It's a scar, dumb guy. Because he's a badass. Come on, work with me here. If anything, it's the all-seeing eye of the Illuminati - totally different."

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"Yes, he's cut. Yes, he shaves his chest. Yes, he wears pants slung down to his pubic bone. But he's clearly straight - just look at that shirt. Short sleeve, button down, Hawaiian print, blue, white, and orange? A gay man wouldn't wear that to a costume contest."

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"Good, good, opening shot establishes sympathy. His wife left him and took everything; now he has to pawn stuff just to keep going."

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"Okay, Tom, now grip the shaft - shift! Shift! Grip the shift! Good, good. Squeeze it. Good. Hm. Are we sure we want to use this?"

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"It's a metaphor! A man without his wife is like a car with one headlight! That's how integral she was to his happiness, the witch! Perfect."

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"MEMO TO AMERICA: TOM CRUISE LOVES THE LADIES."

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"Here's where we get conceptual. When we see this shot of Tom, his voiceover is saying, 'You think I'm a hero? I am not a hero.' But that shot is a hard echo of Tom's rather unfortunate Scientology video:

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"Being a Scientologist...when you drive past an accident it’s not like anyone else, as you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one that can really help."

"See, that's a hero talking. So when we have Tom disavow his heroism with the shot that echoes this one, it works against the viewer's bad impression of Tom Cruise, Super-Scientologist. It's perfect!"

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"This is perfect. Even when Tom Cruise takes on six dudes, there's a lady in the background to take the gay off of it."

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"Okay, this I don't love so much. Seriously, it looks like he's yanking that guy's pants off. Are those bumcheeks? Those better not be bumcheeks."

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"Aaaaaaand...tall. That's a wrap, people."

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Comments

gregperry July 6, 2012 @ 4:17 p.m.

The force-feeding continues.

After the audience and I who saw the trailer for Jack Reacher stopped laughing, I realized a few things. One: HE IS NO STEVE MCQUEEN. Then, I realized I had seen someone trying hard to sell their "star" as someone so tough, it would make Dirty Harry die of laughter--HE IS NO CLINT EASTWOOD. Then, I recalled another cringe-worthy piece of "reporting" from a few weeks ago, that he was planning on remaking The Magnificent Seven, with himself in the lead role, and realized--HE IS NO YUL BRYNNER.

But whatever his camp wishes to force-feed us, there are still plenty of cinema-goers who are not going to spend a dime on this "comedy." BTW, another spin piece on him being the "highest paid" last year--is that salary or earnings (makes a difference considering others were paid higher salaries)?

Lessons learned: Do not be afraid to question these stories, and do not be afraid to laugh out loud in the theater.

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madmadrasi Dec. 23, 2012 @ 7:18 p.m.

As long as Tom Cruise doesn't dare to act as Puller too. That would be the height of absurdity. Reacher Creatures vs Puller Prowlers http://www.madmadrasi.net/2011/11/heads-up-reacher-creatures-puller.html

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SurfPuppy619 Dec. 23, 2012 @ 8:55 p.m.

Jack Reacher flopped...........like all of Cruises movies the last 5 years.........

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Radical Uterus Dec. 25, 2012 @ 1:33 p.m.

Lee Childs created the Jack Reacher character and has written many books about his adventures. Jack Reacher is a man who holds no fear in his heart. Jack Reacher's one concern is justice for victims, usually women and children with the occasional old man thrown in to spice things up.

When I heard that Cruise would play Jack Reacher I laughed out loud. Then I was sad that Lee Child would sell out his own vision. I hope Lee got a boat load of money for the rights to this character's future.

Tom Cruise in his wildest delusions will never be Jack Reacher.

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SurfPuppy619 Dec. 25, 2012 @ 7:36 p.m.

BTW this video spoof is a direct copy of the pic posted in the article-4th from bottom!

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