Eva Knott 6:29 a.m., May 23
"Okay, people, listen up. Our star here is Tom Cruise, a man who has long long been dogged by gay rumors and accusations that he suffers from delusions of grandeur connected to his faith in Scientology. Plus, he's...not tall. And on top of all that, his wife just filed for divorce. This trailer is where we rehabilitate the man. Let's get to work.
"NO IT IS NOT A SECRET SCIENTOLOGY BRAND BURNED INTO HIS FLESH. It's a scar, dumb guy. Because he's a badass. Come on, work with me here. If anything, it's the all-seeing eye of the Illuminati - totally different."
"Yes, he's cut. Yes, he shaves his chest. Yes, he wears pants slung down to his pubic bone. But he's clearly straight - just look at that shirt. Short sleeve, button down, Hawaiian print, blue, white, and orange? A gay man wouldn't wear that to a costume contest."
"Good, good, opening shot establishes sympathy. His wife left him and took everything; now he has to pawn stuff just to keep going."
"Okay, Tom, now grip the shaft - shift! Shift! Grip the shift! Good, good. Squeeze it. Good. Hm. Are we sure we want to use this?"
"It's a metaphor! A man without his wife is like a car with one headlight! That's how integral she was to his happiness, the witch! Perfect."
"MEMO TO AMERICA: TOM CRUISE LOVES THE LADIES."
"Here's where we get conceptual. When we see this shot of Tom, his voiceover is saying, 'You think I'm a hero? I am not a hero.' But that shot is a hard echo of Tom's rather unfortunate Scientology video:
"Being a Scientologist...when you drive past an accident it’s not like anyone else, as you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one that can really help."
"See, that's a hero talking. So when we have Tom disavow his heroism with the shot that echoes this one, it works against the viewer's bad impression of Tom Cruise, Super-Scientologist. It's perfect!"
"This is perfect. Even when Tom Cruise takes on six dudes, there's a lady in the background to take the gay off of it."
"Okay, this I don't love so much. Seriously, it looks like he's yanking that guy's pants off. Are those bumcheeks? Those better not be bumcheeks."
"Aaaaaaand...tall. That's a wrap, people."