Don Bauder 5:30 p.m., March 14
Star Wars Fan Jailed, Must Undergo Mental Health Evaluation for Lightsaber Attack in Toy Store
It took this long for officials to realize the root word of "fanatic" is "fan?" Has it not occurred to them that a certain sector of the movie-going population has forever been irreparably harmed by George Lucas' Star Wars series, particularly Parts 1 - 3 and the one with the Ewoks?
The amount of in-jokes it would take to make this column the gold mine of giggles it deserves to be is simply not in me, and would take far too much research on a subject that holds little interest. Let us take a neutral point-of-view and allow the facts to speak for themselves: An Oregon judge sentenced David Allen Canterbury, 33, to 45-days in jail after he attacked customers at a Toy 'R Us with a pair of replica Star Wars lightsabers.
The Force is with you, young David Allen Canterbury, but you are not a Jedi yet.
At least this meshugana showed some restraint by limiting his mania to the internet. According to The Oregonian, Canterbury held a toy lightsaber in each hand as he did battle against three customers from the Dark Star last Dec. 14 at a Toys R Us store. Instead of solving the problem with a dissolve, a favored tactic of Mr. Lucas, Canterbury carried the lightsabers outside the store and swung at stormtroopers masquerading as Oregon police. Attempts to bring Canterbury down with a taser were thwarted by The Force. He later apologized to his victims,which shows a good spirit.
Canterbury's tale also involves a court-ordered mental health evaluation. He informed Judge Kenneth Walker that he is already seeking mental health treatment. After looking at his mug shot, I'm shocked to hear this. I mean no offense, but this guy has Claude Akins (pre-B.J. and the Bear) written all over his face and may need house arrest.
May the dross be with you!