Don Bauder 4:30 p.m., Dec. 9
Man Strips Naked at Matinee Showing of Chipwrecked in Exchange for Promise of Sex & Drugs
You know, some days I miss Chicago more than others, particularly when I read heart-worming stories like this.
In exchange for a promise of sex and drugs, Edward Brown, 34, agreed to get naked while taking in a 4 p.m. matinee of the 3D animated family "comedy," Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Brown's impromptu striptease gives new meaning to the old CinemaScope ad slogan, "See It Without Glasses!"
According to the Chicago Tribune, Brown was taken into custody by police at the North Riverside Park Mall's Classic Cinema. The cops found Brown seated in the front row wearing nothing more than his trademark "goalpost" grin.
He claims to have been lured into the theater by a woman who promised sex and drugs if film-buff Brown agreed to watch the film in the buff. Who needs drugs? Isn't Chipwrecked a big enough opiate for the masses as is? Even the promise of guaranteed sex wouldn't get me in the mood, especially after having to endure this tune-filled overdose of computer-generated salt-peter.
The closest I came to being "Chipwrecked." (Photo credit Carmen Preciado)
The quick-thinking management cleared the house and offered refund vouchers to the 96 clothed patrons in attendance. Brown was ordered to dress and later charged with sexual exploitation of a child and misdemeanor disorderly conduct. They should throw the book at him for disrupting a movie. If this happened during a screening of Hugo, I'd have personally put in a call to a connection in Cicero and Brown would currently be a mile-and-a-half of new asphalt on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
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