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How to Make a PG-13 Horror Film Checklist:

  • ✓ Spooky house
  • ✓ Pre-credit flashback to Super8 footage
  • ✓ Two attractive teenage-ish leads
  • ✓ A Kristen Stewart replica
  • ✓ Paranormal security-cam footage
  • ✓ A first-time director manning the till
  • ✓ A plot that crumbles faster than a piece of bleu cheese in Gordon Ramsay's fist
  • ✓ A young Asian-looking ghost with long, filthy black hair covering her face
  • ✓ Dead neighbor dog
  • ✓ Short running-time
  • ✓ A snippet of originality -- this time it's the houseguest, not the house that's haunted

Here's something else a contemporary PG-13 horror film has on it's agenda:

None

Fanboy's pants are bound to tighten when they get a gander at Ashley Greene's scantily-clad keester. All I see is a center-scan image ensnared in an anamorphic frame and enough side-room to park two 4x3 Val Lewton features. I must be getting old.

Reader Rating: You were expecting maybe five-stars? Wait for it to come to a Red Box near you and then don't rent this colossal waste of 81 minutes!

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