The concoction has less to do with pigskins or gridirons than with making a cocktail using coconut water.
Joseph O'Brien 4 p.m., March 29
Comeback kid Darlene Cates recently threw a deck chair off the Titanic by shedding 240 lbs. and the star of What's Eating Gilbert Grape wants to get back into acting.
Cates told The Dallas News, "I'm not opposed to doing science fiction or comedy, but there has to be respect. I refuse to be the joke, the fat woman joke, in any movie. I've turned down roles."
Don't think for one second that if Spielbug dangled a job offer that I wouldn't spread my legs faster and wider than a Tijuana hooker hooked on Spanish Fly. Let Hollywood call you all the names they want. There's gold in them thar hills of flab just waiting to be mined and it wouldn't take much to turn your unsightly rolls into mirth-filled roles!
"Four surgeries and three near-death experiences" prohibit her from walking. Do you know how many operations those studio paychecks would finance? How much more humiliating or exploitative can a few fat jokes be when compared to using a recent weight loss to get your name back in the newspapers?
Currently tipping the scales at 331 lbs., Cates is around the same size Edith Massey was when she appeared in John Waters' Pink Flamingos. Is there a playpen, a crate of eggies, and a musical remake in Cates' future? How about the voice of a purple water bed with a head for one of those DreamWorks cartoons?