Clayton Truscott 11:53 a.m., April 19
A Closer Look at the Trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn
I know you guys have totally been making fun of this, but trust me, you're looking at it all wrong. This trailer is a totally awesome tool for mothers everywhere to use when it comes time for that difficult conversation with your tween about, well, you-know-what. Call it "The Facts of (Undead) Life."
Honey, you're growing up, and I know there may be some things you have questions about...
Okay, so the first thing, of course, is that you get married.
That night, it will be dark, because it's night, and because it's best to keep these things hidden so that they don't wind up online someday. Hopefully, there will be some kissing at the outset.
Soon after that, however, your husband will turn into a kind of headless beast, seemingly bereft of reason or any other recognizably human trait.
Of course, by morning, his humanity will have returned with the sunlight, and he will give you a sweet little kiss before heading off to his steady job and promising career.
You, meanwhile, will begin to have funny feelings in your tummy. Nothing to worry about - this is just the first sign that you are about to become a mother, which was always the point of all that kissing and such. Soon, you'll be having this chat with a daughter of your very own!
But mother, there are still some things I don't understand. What about that brief glimpse of Edward snapping the headboard with his bare hand? What is that all about?
Ah - I'm glad you asked that, dear. "Breaking the headboard" is what is known as a euphemism. You see, darling, there's this little thing called the hymen...
Twilight - not just an abstinence parable. A symbolic journey into womanhood.
More like this:
- A Closer Look at the Trailer for The Avengers — Oct. 13, 2011
- Never Mind The Muppets, Here's Starship! — Aug. 8, 2011
- Never mind the Killer Elite, here's the Scorpions! — Aug. 4, 2011
- Comic-Con Days 1 - 4 Photo Funnies — July 25, 2011
- Cinepolis: the Bar & Menu — July 21, 2011