Blogs | Beyond The Big Metal Fence
My Entirely Fictional Affair With Liza Minnelli - Part One
By refriedgringo | Posted September 26, 2009, 7:43 p.m.
The convertible didn’t suit her, I could tell right away out of the corner of my eye, but I had to drive on. Her hands were in her hair for almost the entire ride from Del Mar into Hollywood, protecting those delicate curls, until she broke out a scarf from a small handbag and tied it on tightly once we reached Long Beach. The ride was otherwise uneventful. Liza was occupied, on purpose, after all I was only beefcake boy. That’s how she referred to me in the brief time that we initially spoke.
“Hey, beefcake boy, nice ride,” she said sarcastically when I picked her up.
My ride was an immaculate 1967 Pontiac GTO with the top down, and it was a nice ride unless one was used to limousines with a full bar in the back seat. We didn’t speak at all once I fired up the goat and took off, the wind (oh that wonderful Pacific Ocean smell!) prevented conversation. We parked in a pay lot a block away from the Whisky A Go-Go. She then took off her scarf and broke out a mirror and did herself up.
“You know I was born here, beefcake? Right here in Hollywood.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said.
She stopped and looked at me, her eyes full of rage. “You call me ‘ma’am’ again, and I’ll kick you in the balls. You may call me Ms. Minnelli.”
“Yes, Ms. Minnelli,” I said.
She sighed. “Liza. Just call me Liza, okay? I’m sorry, but I’m having a bad day. I dropped three grand on the horses and the Goddamned track waters down the gin, and now I have to go to this, this… thing. This isn’t what I wanted to do tonight.”
“I understand,” I told her. I offered her my arm but she refused. We walked east on Hollywood Boulevard underneath the giant billboards, with people staring at her and no one daring to approach. At the door of the Whiskey, we were greeted warmly. They knew. Others couldn’t be so sure.
“Terry’s backstage,” an employee informed her. “They’ll be on next, Ms. Minnelli. We have a table for you and your escort…”
That’s when Liza looked into my eyes. I instantly dismissed two hours of thinking her to be a bitch, those eyes held something vastly different than our arranged commute had seemed to promise. She smiled. I couldn’t not smile back. She turned to the employee of the Whiskey.
“I think that David and me are fine right here,” she said.
She grabbed my arm and hung on. The Penetrators opened with a loud and rather annoying set. She pretended to be interested. I admired that. The Penetrators were horrible that evening, really bad. But Liza knew my name. That was one hell of a start.
The connection was nothing short of bizarre. From my relationship with Delaney Bramlett (the man who discovered Eric Clapton, according to the text books), passed down to Terry Bozzio (of Frank Zappa and then Missing Persons fame), to a stint he had recording with Herbie Hancock, down to Herbie’s wife Gigi. Gigi called me, thick German accent and all. We met previously in San Francisco. I was shocked that she remembered me.
“David, I don’t want to make you put out,” she began.
Typical Gigi, mixing it up, but she was difficult to deny; she had a way with people. Pick up Liza Minnelli? At Del Mar? Drive her to Los Angeles? I had to. The Terry Bozzio connection? His wife, Dale. Gigi didn’t explain that part very well. Hell, she didn’t explain anything very well. But, you couldn’t say no to Gigi. She was a princess.
The problem now, was with Liza. I was so charmed. She excused herself and went to the bathroom and I waited, wondering if she would reappear. The Penetrators, thankfully, were winding down. The Whiskey, small stage intimately inviting all of us closer, began to pack in. After a couple of minutes, I worried about Liza, until she reappeared and grabbed my arm and held on hard.
“You wouldn’t believe what I just saw in that bathroom!” she said, horrified, as though we were all in big trouble. The only thing that crossed my mind is that it couldn't have been any worse than the Penetrators were that evening. I gave her time to collect her thoughts.
(To be continued…)
You just CAN'T write a bad one, refried. I can hear Liza's voice and see her face while reading. Upping the (re)bar for all of us! :)
By SDaniels 8:08 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
It gets more interesting, SD. And, believe it or not, there are aspects (and actual events, even) of this story that are true. I reckon I'm out to prove a point. Hope it works ;)
By refriedgringo 8:17 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
I just hope there aren't more Penetrators in that bathroom than onstage, Beefcake Boy.
(Sorry, I just watched this movie on Netflix yesterday, and can't get that potty scene out of my, um, head):
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Sex_Driv...
It's actually kinda cute. I laughed pretty hard at some spots. Best moment: "I gotta go to church." :)
Speaking of cute, I'm betting you must've been, BB, for Ms. M to have been holding on like that.
Any glory-days pics you wanna share? Could BB also have stood for bell bottoms, I wonder? Could the beefcake have been adorned with cheeky mutton chops?
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_yAAaCNPFAlc...
By antigeekess 10:10 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
Actually, Ms. AG, I wasn't so horrible-looking in my youth. I had a fairly rad bod (as they are prone to say these days), and a sort-of cute face. And the same razor-sharp wit, quick intellectual reflexes, and a nice car.
Obviously, it all went to hell in a handbasket some years later, but I did have a huge crush on Liza Minnelli, and a smaller one on Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh, Lord, what I wanted to do with Jamie Lee...
By refriedgringo 10:17 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
NONE of us were horrible-looking in our youth, Gringo! I would guess none of us are that even now. I'm definitely old enough to be somebody's granny at this point, and STILL got so exasperated with some cholo staring today I finally just looked at him and said, "WHAT?!?!?"
Gaaaaaaahhh. I'm betting you still got it, too. :)
And was it really all that much "smaller" for Jamie Lee? I'm betting not.
;)
By antigeekess 10:45 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
refried lusted:
"Oh, Lord, what I wanted to do with Jamie Lee..."
...and there isn't much you couldn't have done, until the surgery :)
By SDaniels 10:49 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
Soigery? Quoi?
By antigeekess 10:53 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
Jamie Lee in "Perfect" made me sweat, too.
By rickeysays 10:56 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/jami...
"The only document that has ever been offered as "proof" was a 1996 op-ed piece in the Baltimore Sun written by William O. Beeman, associate professor of anthropology at Brown University, entitled "What Are You: Male, Merm, Herm, Ferm or Female?" The relevant passage reads as follows:
As a result, there are perhaps millions of XX males and XY females living in the United States today. These are cultural males with male genitalia who are genetically female, and cultural females with female genitalia who are genetically male. The film star Jamie Lee Curtis is one well-known individual who is genetically male, but phenotypically female.
And there we have it in black and white, it would seem, except for two tiny caveats. First, according to Professor Beeman the pertinent sentence was deleted from the published article. Second, the reason it was deleted was that Beeman's attempts to track down the plastic surgeons to whom intermediate sources had attributed the statement were "totally unsuccessful." In other words, Professor Beeman had simply repeated an item of scurrilous gossip."
By SDaniels 11:14 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
The things you learn on these blogs!
By CuddleFish 11:17 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
Holy crap, I'm a homosexual! ;)
By refriedgringo 11:22 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
...only according to urban legend, you are :)
By SDaniels 11:31 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
...and, perhaps the most romantic scene ever captured in cinema?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8olTfK...
I can't possibly express how much I totally love this movie.
By refriedgringo 11:33 p.m., Sep 26, 2009 > Report it
Heh heh. Interesting, via radio transmission. Unless you are referring to Costner's character's reaction to finding out about Sarandon's character's sleeping with Tim Robbins' character.
By SDaniels 12:01 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
You do realize that Sarandon is actually married to Robbins? (They married shortly after this flick.)
It is subtle. All women deserve to wear white (and oh my Lord, DO they!), and calling an umpire a CS to get thrown out of a game? Automatic, back when I played.
I could tell you some personal stories.
It is romantic in a classic notion, as all ex-ballplayers my age know, that's the magic words to get tossed out. That's why Crash was so romantic. He was classical. The movie was amazing.
By refriedgringo 12:15 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
Sarandon is actually married to Robbins. Ever'body knows that, refried; they are also bigtime activists, and have done quite a few plays together :) Did you know Jamie Lee Curtis is or was married to Christopher Guest?
I like the whole CS'er 'romance' bit. We should work it into "Condo."
By SDaniels 12:23 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
SD, I never know what other people know, I'm fairly uninformed when it comes to films and plays. I did hear about Curtis and Guest, I think they are still married.
I have stories about Bily Martin (concerning the phrase CS'er) that would make any ballplayer blush. I'll tell 'em someday.
By refriedgringo 12:34 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
Yeah, that's what I kinda thought regarding Jamie Lee. I just wondered if you could come up with anything more conclusive than what I'd already heard.
Considering that intersex conditions affect as many as 1:2000 live births in the U.S., it wouldn't be surprising, based on the way she looks and the fact that, from what I understand, she's never really denied it.
They're interesting folks. You should get to know some.
;)
By antigeekess 12:35 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
I have, AG. Hell, this is Tijuana, we have all kinds of stuff going on here. Other stories. Other times. But yeah, very interesting, and I'm more enlightened to have passed through them and their wonderful wisdom.
By refriedgringo 12:44 a.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
When I won the contest for "A Neighborhood Affair," you posted a comment that said now that you knew what the editor wanted, you'd post a story you hadn't had the courage to post before. Thus, "Lesbians Without Tacos" or whatever the editor changed the name to, won you $500. Now this. As they say, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." I am glad that you consider me an inspiration .
By thestoryteller 8:32 p.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
I'm alpha and you're beta. As Paris Hilton would say, "That's hot!"
By thestoryteller 8:44 p.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
AG: "They're interesting folks. You should get to know some."
I don't check people's peepees before getting to know them! :)
Sorry I didn't really look hard for the answer on JL Curtis--liked that the prof had to remove the reference, and the ultimate inconclusivity of it. :)
By SDaniels 8:55 p.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
Re imitation: Great writers get their inspiration from everywhere, even cheezy little dimestore novels. That don't mean they are dimestore novelists. Most assuredly not.
By CuddleFish 9:50 p.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
Mindy, the difference between your story and mine is that mine was real. This one, obviously, isn't, and I state so in the title. We're not Alpha-Beta, baby, I don't do this for the checks. I'll happily cash them, and thank the wonderful and quirky, and oh-so-San Diego Reader from the bottom of my heart, but I want to think that the John Rangels of the world are far more worthy than I am. Of the check, not the writing, not the platform, I deserve that platform as much as anyone.
I didn't imitate you, Mindy. I mocked you.
By refriedgringo 10:07 p.m., Sep 27, 2009 > Report it
:-0
Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....
Pop goes the weasel & Suh-NAP! goes the Gringo!!!
By antigeekess 8:30 p.m., Sep 28, 2009 > Report it
and just think...the only thing she said to my daughter when she yelled at her..."i really loved your mom" was..."i did too"
can't wait for part 2 refriend and your name always makes me hungry....hahahahahahaha
By nan 1:50 p.m., Oct 1, 2009 > Report it