Don Bauder 8:42 p.m., May 23
I'll start with the thing i can't get out of my head. A co-worker had apparently, partly witnessed that poor kid commit suicide on the 78 this week in Vista. We had all started work that day, Thursday morning getting our coffee and such, when I hear him talking about brains and guts and swirving and pulling over and vomiting. I thought it was cool in the way some road kills are cool. So i butted in and asked what kind of anmal it was. He replied,"It was some guy that fell out of a truck!"
Whoa. That changed the mood. Then I connected it with the news I had been hearing in the haze of all the background noise and DAMN! What would cause a young man, a boy to want to do that? Well, later i hear something about AIDS and runaways and it makes better but not complete sense. I feel bad for the kid that did that to himself and his family but I feel glad that I haven't had the gruesome displeasure of seeing something like that. My co-worker friend, Iraqi war vet and all, is still queasy about it.
Next, Work. Work sucks. It always has, but lately it just seems surreal. A strange, hellish slavery of sorts that I can't make go away by waking up. The economy has been tough for us. The company I work for has tightened its belt and those of us left are working our butts off. The "do more with less" thing has reached new levels with our squad of people. We've had a little rest lately, but everybody is tense and tired and very grumpy. These grown men are acting like little b_ _ ches. How long can this go on? Am i being ungrateful?
My family, on the other hand, causes me the most grief, but also the most pleasure. My wife, whom i love and have been married to for 14 years floats between realities, but i think my kids are sane. My son is a pretty good football player and is maturing well. He's going to be a big man and smart, I think. He's definitely a deeper thinker than average and that's good if he can stay occupied constructively. Otherwise he'll have fits of deep thinker depression like his old man.
My daughters are great, from our little 9 year daddy's girl to the mature responsible, formerly boy crazy older one that I really admire for being cool and social in ways I could never be.
My biggest wish is that I could do more for all them. Not just in a wordly, secure with things way (but that wouldn't hurt). I mean I look back on my life as a parent and I see all the quirks i've always known I had affect these kids and my relationship with them. The emotional part has always been the hardest. Connecting, you know? But they love me. Really. In spite of myself. Thank you Jesus.