Robert Lang 11 a.m., July 25
Emperor Tibobius in exile
Debauched monarch vows to return "a better man, a better ruler, and most importantly, a better lover. When I come back, I'll be so smooth that they won't even know they were harassed."
Pictured: Tibobius in his island retreat, preparing to receive instruction that will improve his game.
Neil Strauss, noted author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists flown to Capri for intensive therapy sessions. "Everything with Tibobius's is full-steam ahead, full-frontal assault - at least in the sexual arena. But here's the thing: Tibobius understands subtlety and political maneuvering. He's done it all his life. It's just a matter of helping him transfer those skills from his professional life to his personal one."
Retired porn star Sasha Grey agrees to provide assessment. "During my working days, I had some pretty violent and aggro things done to me. But nothing on the scale of Tibobius's assaults. Still, I think I can take it, and it's all in the name of helping him learn to tone it down a notch."
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