9 p.m., March 22
In wake of scandal, Mayor Filner to propose new Weak Mayor guidelines
The power of Strong Mayor is simply too much for some men.
Yesterday, Emperor, er, Mayor Filner issued a video apology to the City of San Diego for his "inappropriate and wrong" behavior towards women who work both for him and with him. "I have diminished the office to which you elected me," said Filner. "If my behavior doesn't change, I cannot succeed in leading our city. In the next few days, I will be announcing fundamental changes within the mayor's office, designed to promote a new spirit of cooperation, respect, and effectiveness."
Today, SD on the QT obtained a draft proposal from the Mayor's office regarding the precise nature of those changes. Termed the Weak and Inoffensive Mayor Program (WIMP), it should go a long way toward curbing Filner's more abrasive mannerisms. Below are a few of WIMP's more notable changes
The Mayor must, at all times when serving in an official capacity, wear a Kick Me sign on his back. Any city employee may take advantage of the offer, after which, the Mayor must say, "Thank you very much."
Unless he is actually signing documents, the Mayor must wear mittens at all times.
Between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m., the Mayor must speak in a whisper.
When flogging the City Attorney, the Mayor may use nothing stiffer than a pool noodle.
The Mayor must buy the first round of pina coladas at the City Council's weekly 10 a.m. Friday Fun Time meetup at the Tilted Kilt in the Gaslamp. At said meetup, he must refrain from commenting on or leering at the waitstaff, no matter how high Belinda's kilt rides up as she serves the drinks or how many buttons bartender Cindy leaves undone on her blouse.
When the Mayor tells a greedy, corrupt bastard, "Get out of my office before I stick your head in the same shithole where you keep your sense of civic responsibility," he must also say "please."
Finally, once a year, the Mayor must meet with the City Fathers, i.e., the developers who run things around here. The Mayor will don a Speedo, slather himself with bacon grease, and run around the conference room for no less than five minutes. If during that time any of the developers are able to catch the greased Mayor and hold onto him for ten seconds, that developer will be allowed one project free of government oversight.
More like this:
- In wake of Hooters ban on Filner, Tilted Kilt extends invitation to embattled Mayor — Aug. 14, 2013
- Dinosaur rampages through downtown San Diego, killing dozens — July 29, 2013
- Democratic Party has NO right to demand Filner resign. Only WE the people hold that right — July 25, 2013
- Lincoln Club accuses Mayor Filner of ruining City's reputation. — June 21, 2013
- Maxed out? — June 12, 2013