• Almost Factual News alerts

Yesterday, Emperor, er, Mayor Filner issued a video apology to the City of San Diego for his "inappropriate and wrong" behavior towards women who work both for him and with him. "I have diminished the office to which you elected me," said Filner. "If my behavior doesn't change, I cannot succeed in leading our city. In the next few days, I will be announcing fundamental changes within the mayor's office, designed to promote a new spirit of cooperation, respect, and effectiveness."

Today, SD on the QT obtained a draft proposal from the Mayor's office regarding the precise nature of those changes. Termed the Weak and Inoffensive Mayor Program (WIMP), it should go a long way toward curbing Filner's more abrasive mannerisms. Below are a few of WIMP's more notable changes

The Mayor must, at all times when serving in an official capacity, wear a Kick Me sign on his back. Any city employee may take advantage of the offer, after which, the Mayor must say, "Thank you very much."

Unless he is actually signing documents, the Mayor must wear mittens at all times.

Between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m., the Mayor must speak in a whisper.

When flogging the City Attorney, the Mayor may use nothing stiffer than a pool noodle.

The Mayor must buy the first round of pina coladas at the City Council's weekly 10 a.m. Friday Fun Time meetup at the Tilted Kilt in the Gaslamp. At said meetup, he must refrain from commenting on or leering at the waitstaff, no matter how high Belinda's kilt rides up as she serves the drinks or how many buttons bartender Cindy leaves undone on her blouse.

When the Mayor tells a greedy, corrupt bastard, "Get out of my office before I stick your head in the same shithole where you keep your sense of civic responsibility," he must also say "please."

Finally, once a year, the Mayor must meet with the City Fathers, i.e., the developers who run things around here. The Mayor will don a Speedo, slather himself with bacon grease, and run around the conference room for no less than five minutes. If during that time any of the developers are able to catch the greased Mayor and hold onto him for ten seconds, that developer will be allowed one project free of government oversight.

  • Almost Factual News alerts

Comments

Scott Marks July 12, 2013 @ 11:29 a.m.

Where is the Committee of 100 when we need them?

0

Matthew Lickona July 12, 2013 @ 11:55 a.m.

Apparently, they're busy preserving Balboa Park's Spanish Colonial Architecture: http://www.c100.org/

0

viewer July 12, 2013 @ 12:20 p.m.

(tourists to your above, Matt). Obviously, that's because the gov. is more interested in revenue than ethic$. Ethics, politcian, and taxpayers don't mix. As anyone shall have already known by now.

0

Fred Williams July 12, 2013 @ 12:15 p.m.

The new Weak And Inoffensive Mayor Program (WIMP) is the model for future leadership for our country.

Just imagine if we had a Congress that would allow big banks and speculators to write financial laws. What WIMPs!

Or if the Supreme Court were to say Corporations are People, while whittling down the 4th amendment to a twig...that would be WIMPish.

But nobody could imagine an Executive Branch that would spy on its own citizens, execute without trial those it deems "enemies", and continue to militarize the police...such a situation would be totally WIMPy.

So starting it out in San Diego is a great start. By emasculating and humiliating any office holder who dares to transgress against accepted corporate norms, and the best interests of the Chamber of Commerce, we can finally have the bright happy future we all deserve.

Thank you, Mr. Mencken, for reporting this welcome news.

0

HonestGovernment July 12, 2013 @ 8:06 p.m.

I can't see any humor in this. it's too sad and serious, not funny.

0

monaghan July 14, 2013 @ 12:23 a.m.

On the contrary, Honest Gov, more Swiftian satire! Describe the present theater at San Diego City Hall! And let's have a Neal Obermeyer cartoon of Saint Donna Frye and her trolling-for-bidness so-non-pro-bono "progressive" lawyers Marco Gonzale$ and Cory Brigg$. And a sidebar of Democ - rats jumping off Mayor Bob Filner's leaky ship of state. It's how to counteract the "sad and serious" righteous bullshit that's actually a bipartisan coup d'etat.

0

Sign in to comment